Despite the LGBT community’s best efforts to encourage all gays and lesbians to celebrate their homosexuality as a fabulous quality that they were born with, I know that there are many of you who feel confused and disturbed to realize that you’re not straight. With new laws making it a crime for licensed counselors to discuss homosexuality like it’s anything less than wonderful, where are you supposed go for answers? Religious communities are rather useless on this subject, because they tend to treat homosexuality like a moral issue, when in reality this is a psychological issue.
In my career, I’ve always made a point to discuss the awkward, embarrassing, and politically loaded topics, because I understand the misery that gets inflicted on people who are struggling with things that no one will address. Psychological mechanics and soul mechanics don’t change to align with social trends. It’s completely valid to feel alarmed by the discovery that your body is only feeling sexually aroused by your same sex peers; especially when all of your friends are straight, your parents are straight, and you’ve been told that God only approves of straights.
The God Issue
Let’s get the God issue sorted first. The theory that “God hates gays” has major problems with it. If this is what you’ve been taught, you need to give serious thought as to how you are defining a God. The God–the nonhuman Entity who created and sustains all that exists–is the very Being who came up with the concept of sex in the first place. It is God who designed humans with their multiple components of mind, soul, and body, and it is God who determined how those elements interact with each other.
I counsel people on spiritual matters as well as psychological ones, because these two areas often overlap. People come to me for help with issues like demon harassment and possession, fears of being cursed, fears that God is a sadistic ogre who doesn’t really give a darn about them…the list goes on and on. Your theology is what you currently believe about God (theo = God; logy = a subject of study). If you’re going to end up with correct theology, you need to learn to think for yourself, and that means daring to question all of the theories about God that other people and religions push on you.
If God created humans, then clearly He understands us inside and out. When you thoroughly understand humans, you don’t have a problem with unrealistic expectations. This is one of the well-kept secrets about the real God: He is much easier to succeed with than people realize. A key reason for this is that He doesn’t expect us to be able to do things that He knows we can’t do, such as instantly change ourselves from gay to straight.
When you reach puberty and discover that your sex drive is decidedly focused on your same gender peers, one of the first things you need to understand is that this is not something you chose. The second helpful thing to know is that God already knew this would happen to you, and He is not blaming you for it or viewing you like some dirty little pervert. So if you suddenly can’t picture God’s face without seeing Him glaring down at you in disgust, you need to realize that the image you’re picturing is not coming from God. God understands all of the psychological mechanics I’m about to describe, because He is the One who invented them, and once you understand these things as well, you can stop viewing your homosexuality like some despicable flaw that you ought to feel ashamed of.
It’s very important to get your theology straightened out on how God judges you. So much unnecessary soul angst occurs when we wrongly assume that God is disgusted with us or expecting us to do something that is humanly impossible. Because your soul’s well-being greatly affects your mind and body, it is very important to get help with distressing soul beliefs (and all beliefs about God are soul beliefs).
So now that we know that God doesn’t hate gays, let’s get educated on what God already knows about how homosexuality occurs. The human sex drive is not at all the fixed, unchangeable thing that people assume it is. Instead, your sex drive’s appetites are very influenced by your experiences in life.
Even though we tend to think of sex as a body thing, sex begins in your mind, specifically your subconscious. It is your subconscious that determines what kinds of stimuli or targets will cause your body to become sexually aroused. There are also biological factors which cause a spike in sexual arousal.
Every month, women move through a menstrual cycle that has the same predictable stages to it. In each stage, certain internal processes happen in the female body. In one of those stages, a woman’s reproductive organs release an egg which, if fertilized by a man’s sperm, will become a new human. As if He’s trying to encourage pregnancy, God has fixed it so that women naturally feel more sexually aroused right around the time that their eggs are ready to be fertilized.
While women are getting a biological push for sex once a month when their eggs drop, men are on a very different kind of cycle. Unlike women, whose conservative ovaries only release an egg once a month, men’s testicles are highly productive sperm factories that operate 24/7. As ready sperm piles up to the ceiling in the factory’s storage area, production still doesn’t slow down, and this creates a bit of a crisis. Soon there is a very urgent need to ship ready sperm out of the system so that storage space can be freed up for incoming product. Frequent ejaculation is a legitimate biological need for men. It is through ejaculation that sperm pressure is relieved in a man’s body. Because women have such a different experience with their egg production, women often view men as being lusty animals with an insatiable need for sex. This is a grossly unfair and derogatory view of men. Men’s biological need for frequent sexual release has nothing to do with a lack of character or self-control. God has intentionally designed males and females to differ from each other in certain ways, and these differences can greatly enrich male-female relationships when we respond to them correctly.
Mind Over Biology
While the biological factors I just described can certainly intensify an interest in sex, there are psychological factors which are far more influential in determining how often you crave sex, who you want to have sex with, and what style of intercourse you’re interested in. It is your subconscious that defines your sexual appetites, not your body. As your body goes through its natural biological cycles, it will cause spikes in sexual arousal. Those spikes will result in your mind thinking about sex, but it is your subconscious that will control the contents of your sexual fantasies.
If you’re a male, and your subconscious has decided that males are its preferred sex targets, then as your body experiences the natural push for sperm release, you will find sexual fantasies about you making out with other males surfacing in your mind. You won’t be consciously creating these fantasies: instead, they will be getting created by your subconscious and transferred into your conscious while your soul sits there watching. It is your soul which finds these things upsetting, because your soul is the part of you that cares about morality.
Gays who feel awful about being gay have soul beliefs which define homosexuality as being wrong, bad, or disgusting. Your subconscious does not give a hoot about morality. Your subconscious sees sexual activities as a strategic way to manage its own needs and problems, and as your needs and problems change, your subconscious adjusts your sexual appetites accordingly.
Fixating On Gender
Your body is born with certain preferences that it will default to if it doesn’t get any interference from your subconscious or soul. There are exceptions to every rule, but in general, the vast majority of humans are born with bodies that are pre-programmed to develop heterosexual appetites at puberty. And yet why wasn’t this the case for you? Why did your body turn towards homosexuality instead of sticking to its default programming?
Homosexuality is a result of the subconscious interfering and overriding the body’s default programming. And before you think this is just a gay thing, it’s not. This kind of overriding happens all the time among straights as well.
The gender of your sexual partner is not what defines a healthy sexual relationship. The tone of your sexual interactions is a far more important issue. A man with a healthy sex drive will want to treat his partner’s mind and body with respect. Forget about who is putting what where for a moment and think about attitudes and feelings. Is someone feeling coerced? Is someone using language that is insulting or derogatory? Is some form of pain being inflicted on a body? Is there an attitude of hostility, domination, or fear?
Many straights arrive at puberty with some very unhealthy or dysfunctional sexual appetites. Their minds want to engage in sexual activities which include someone abusing someone else. Some straights want to do the abusing, others want to receive the abuse. The point I want you to grasp is that this endless fussing over gender as the single most important factor in determining whether a sexual union is “healthy” or “perverse” is absurd. The fact that a man and a woman are rolling about in the sheets does not mean that they are treating each other in a way that is healthy or right. The fact that two men are getting it on does not mean they are being abusive towards each other. The reality is that some gays are treating each other far better in the bedroom than some straights are, and vice versa. If your goal is to learn how to have positive sexual interactions with your partner (and that is certainly a good goal to have), then there are far more important issues to focus on than gender.
The Attraction to Homosexuality
So now that we understand there’s nothing magical about being straight, let’s get into the deeper mechanics of why your mind has intentionally overridden your body’s default sexual programming. Despite what the LGBT community is saying, you were probably born straight, meaning that your body has the same default programming as most bodies. But as you grow up, you get bombarded with life experiences–some good, some bad. And as you’re moving through those experiences, your subconscious is constantly analyzing those experiences and revising its strategies for how to keep you safe, and how to get its own needs met.
Homosexuality begins with your subconscious deciding that gender is a very important factor in either keeping you safe or getting your needs met. Here is where I need to describe several different scenarios, because there are many ways for your subconscious to decide that the whole straight package is not going to be the best strategy for you personally. Any one of the scenarios I’m going to describe is enough to cause your subconscious to fixate on homosexuality. But in real life, your mind could have multiple reasons why it feels it is essential for you to seek out same sex partners. My purpose in giving these examples is to help you appreciate how logical and self-protective your mind is being when it revises your sex drive. These examples don’t come anywhere close to covering all possibilities, because in real life there are many kinds of experiences that can prompt a fixation with same sex partners.
#1. Avoiding Danger
In this first very common scenario, your subconscious feels it has gathered solid evidence that the opposite sex is dangerous. A classic situation here would be a boy who grows up in a home where mom is a dominating, violent figure. She verbally rips on her son a lot, which causes him intense emotional pain. This greatly alarms the boy’s subconscious because emotional affirmation is one of its core needs. By starving her son out in this area, mom comes across as a powerful, frightening figure.
Now the world is full of moms who are abusing their sons, and yet not all of those sons grow up to be homosexuals. This is because when minds go through upsetting experiences, they all fixate on different details of those situations. In the example I’m using here, the boy’s mind fixates on mom’s gender as being a significant factor in why she’s so mean. Remember that to a child with very limited life experience, this kind of logic sounds very rational.
Once the boy’s subconscious links the concept of female with the concept of intense emotional pain, the boy’s subconscious can easily decide that it is now essential to avoid getting intimate with females. When puberty hits and the boy’s sex drive is fully activated, a craving for intimate physical relations with another human comes online. And yet the subconscious is extremely invested in keeping the boy safe. Since females are obviously not safe, the boy’s subconscious reroutes the sex drive to focus on males instead. This is a very clever solution as far as the boy’s mind is concerned because now the boy has a chance to experience the physical intimacy he craves while not putting himself in danger of getting emotionally shredded.
#2. craving connection
There’s a second very common logic that leads to the subconscious latching onto the idea of same sex partners. In the first scenario, the focus was on avoiding danger. In this second scenario, the focus is on fulfilling unmet needs.
A classic situation here would be a boy who grows up in a home where mom is fine, but dad is emotionally distant. All children have a deep core need for affirmation from both a male and female parent. The fact that dad is such an emotional glacier causes this second boy to feel a desperate hunger for male affirmation. This desperate need to find some way to compensate for dad’s aloofness is carried into puberty and when the sex drive comes fully online, the subconscious logically decides that pursuing male sex partners makes a whole lot more sense than pursuing females. Females are fine as far as they go, but they aren’t capable of giving male affirmation. The physical packaging is vital to the subconscious in this second scenario. Once again, gender has become strongly linked to core needs.
#3. discomfort with your OWN gender
Remember I said that there are many ways for your subconscious to logically conclude that homosexuality is going to be far more beneficial to you than heterosexuality. In this third scenario, the subconscious once again latches onto gender as a critical issue, only this time it’s your own gender instead of the gender of someone else.
Let’s take the boy who grows up in a home where females are being favored over him. As he observes his parents giving his sisters the majority of their affection, time, and attention, the boy’s mind decides that his gender is the reason he’s being snubbed. Once this assumption is made, strong mental associations get formed between the concept of being male and the concepts of feeling inferior or unwanted. Meanwhile being female is being associated with being superior and worthy. When puberty hits, this boy’s subconscious is going to push him to begin acting very effeminate. The logic will be that the more feminine he acts, the better chance he will have at being accepted and valued, because females are more wanted than males. The pursuit of male sex partners will be very attractive because they will further affirm the boy in his attempts to role play a woman.
Defining your style
The specific logic that your subconscious is using will determine how you act as a homosexual and what kinds of behaviors you will seek out in a same sex partner. Often these logical strategies are firmly in place long before puberty hits, and this results in you never experiencing a sexual attraction to the opposite sex, which then causes you to assume you were born gay. And yet the truth is that many of the qualities and characteristics we observe in ourselves as adults were not things we were born with, but instead things we adopted as a means of trying to help ourselves.
So then, what is your personal style? Are you acting like the man or the woman in your relationships? If you’re a lesbian, are you comfortable with your femininity? Or are you very defensive about women being treated as weaker, inferior, or unequal to men? If you find yourself talking tough, dressing in men’s clothes, going for unisex haircuts, and trying to suppress your emotional reactions, then you are likely trying to be the “man” in your relationship. This kind of behavior indicates your subconscious has linked your own gender with some very negative concepts, which you are trying to distance yourself from by acting masculine.
If you’re a gay man, what kinds of partners attract you? Do you want your lover to act manly or do you want him to act effeminate? Being attracted to effeminate partners indicates you feel an intense need for female connection, yet females scare you, so you are trying to bond with a female in a safer package. A change of external packaging can make an enormous difference to a stressed out subconscious.
If you are the effeminate male in your gay relationship, there are two issues to consider. If your subconscious sees your own gender as a threat, you will notice yourself trying to downplay your masculinity in many areas. But this is not necessarily a factor in all cases. Sometimes you’re role playing a woman not to try to distance yourself from your own gender, but in order to attract a gender that you desperately need something from.
Because we are all born to go straight by default, a male-female dynamic tends to feel like something that we ought to strive to imitate. Because of this, a man who feels desperate for male affirmation (due to significant male figures from his past either abusing him or withholding from him) might instinctively role play a woman in order to attract another man towards him. The logic here is that all romantic relationships are supposed to have a male and female partner. If you act the part of a woman, you can attract a man, and still feel like you’re closely matching the way things “should” be. In these scenarios, the focus for you is on getting your male partner to give you verbal and physical forms of male affirmation.
If you’re a lesbian who prefers partners who will act masculine, then you’re in a similar situation to the one I just described. There are many ways that girls can end up feeling desperate for male affection while at the same time feeling that males are too dangerous to be vulnerable with. By finding a woman who will role play a man with you, your subconscious feels that it can get its need for male affirmation met in a much safer context.
How the Straights Do It
Straights grapple with all of the psychological crises that I’ve been describing, they just react a bit differently. Recognizing the same subconscious strategies playing out in different ways can help you feel less “queer”.
A girl with an abusive mother can easily grow up into a heterosexual woman who seeks out men who will abuse her the same way her mother did. In these scenarios, the woman is trying to get the motherly attention she is so desperate for by finding a man who will role play her mother for her. Instead of fixating on gender as a defining characteristic of mom, the girl’s mind fixates on her mother’s bullying style. Her mother often called her derogatory names, so she seeks out a man who will do the same. Her mother often threw things when she was angry, so she seeks out a man who will throw things as well. The subconscious’ longterm goal here is to try and resolve tension with the original mom by making peace with a symbolic mom. Marrying symbolic parents is an extremely common coping method among straights and gays, only with gays, gender is being added to the mind’s list of important traits to focus on.
A boy who grows up in a home where females are being favored over him can easily develop a hatred for females which can then cause him to seek out a female partner who he can dominate and abuse. From a distance, many would approve of his relationship because, after all, it’s a heterosexual couple, and straight is supposed to be better than gay. But having both genders represented in a relationship hardly makes it okay for one partner to abuse another.
Another boy who is treated as inferior in his home while females are exalted can grow up not to be abusive, but to be a doormat who is constantly getting kicked around by his female partners. In this second scenario, the straight man is likely trying to build up his tolerance for abuse by actively seeking it out. I call this kind of self-destructive behavior trauma rehearsal, and it is a common way of coping with the belief that “It’s my destiny to always be abused in life.” The goal being pursued in these cases is humanly impossible to attain: we really can’t teach our beings to thrive on abuse. Yet chasing after unattainable goals is very common in cases of trauma.
What I want you to learn from all of this is that the straights are in as big of a mess as the gays. Everyone’s hurting, and everyone’s trying to deal with the blows life gives them as best as they can. Your life experiences have an enormous impact on your subconscious, and your subconscious is constantly trying to work out the best way to help you get your needs met with minimal injury to your entire system. Behind every sexual craving, attitude, and behavior, there is a logical mind at work. The more we learn to appreciate the intricate workings of our inner beings, the more compassionate and kind we can be towards ourselves and others. After all, intimate relationships are very frightening and risky experiences for human beings. It’s quite understandable that we try to work out a winning strategy before we move in to attempt a close connection.
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