Why Am I So Addicted To Scat Porn?

I can’t achieve sexual climax without watching porn videos where a human is being crapped or pissed on. I don’t get why my mind is doing this, and it makes me feel completely f’ed up. I was molested a lot as a kid, and it makes sense to me how you say that the mind can get obsessed with child porn because it links it to traumatic memories. But when I try to look at child porn, I get a severe panic attack and can’t do it. The idea of having “normal” sex with a woman makes me so upset I need to vomit, so my dating life is non-existent. But this porn addiction is really owning me, and I’m getting desperate for a way to get this under control. I appreciate that you understand that men have a legit need for sex (a lot of women don’t seem to get that). But I also feel like my own sex drive is out of control, because I’m constantly thinking about it to the point that I have trouble focusing on anything else. The only time I get any relief is climaxing to that sick kind of porn, but then I feel like a piece of s*** afterwards, so it’s not like it’s a real help. Thanks for letting us ask questions anonymously because I don’t feel like I can talk to anyone about this and I’m really getting scared about where I’m headed.

First, I have a loads of sympathy for the hell you’re going through. Many kudos to you for having the courage to write in. While I certainly appreciate how upset it makes you to observe your own reaction to scat porn, this is actually a very reasonable addiction to have given your background.

Your soul is the part of you that is reacting with such horror about the stuff you are watching. Your subconscious mind is the part of you that’s insisting on the porn and causing your sex drive to run so high right now. The relief you experience after climaxing to porn is due to your subconscious feeling its stress levels drop down a bit, but the reason it’s relief is so short lasting is that your soul drives the stress levels back up again by expressing how morally appalled it is by what you just did.

So what we have here are two major concerns. First, your mind feels its stress levels have reached dangerous levels, which is making it desperate for opportunities to vent some of that stress. Second, your soul is making a difficult situation much worse by not showing any sympathy for your mind’s problems. In other words, your soul needs to learn some self-compassion as soon as possible. Since compassion is fueled by understanding, reading through this post should help your soul get started in the right direction because I’m now going to explain the logic that your mind is using. In a situation like yours, souls generally have no understanding of what their partner minds are trying to do, so they just focus on the morality of the mind’s actions and freak out. By educating your soul on why your mind is so upset, and why it feels that watching scat porn might help it find some relief, we can help your soul start viewing your mind’s actions in a kinder light.

Symbolic Themes

Now while it’s horrifying that you were sexually abused as a child, it’s good that you’re consciously aware of what happened to you. The conscious part of your mind can only access memories when the subconscious allows it to do so, and sometimes in cases like yours, the subconscious will try to keep the memories of assault completely blocked from the conscious. Maintaining this kind of memory suppression is very exhausting to the subconscious, and since yours clearly does not have a lot of reserve, it’s good to see that it’s not trying to maintain major blocks on top of everything else. Instead, it’s willing to talk about the reality of what was done to you, and that makes understanding this porn thing a lot easier.

Now to the mind, porn is about a lot more than the visual images. The emotions and power dynamics being portrayed are usually considered far more important. In the kind of porn you’re addicted to, there is a very strong theme of human degradation. The person who is being subjected to a shower of human (or animal) waste is clearly being treated as a subhuman lifeform–one that is unworthy of any kind of respect. Due to the strong repulsion that humans naturally feel towards their own bodily waste products, scat porn tends to do a very powerful job of depicting the idea of a figure with complete power utterly trampling on someone who has been thoroughly stripped of pride, power, and worth.

Whenever you’re trying to understand your own mind’s logic for attracting to a particular porn video, always ask yourself, “Who do I most identify with in this film?” The answer to this question will be revealed by which character in the film you find yourself mentally focusing on the most. While your eyes will no doubt dart around to take in all of the images, you will also find yourself paying particular attention to a certain character. Not only will there be a specific character that you feel especially drawn towards, but you will also find yourself focusing on specific aspects of that character, such as his/her face, privates, bindings, wounds, physical reactions to pain, etc.. Noting the specific details your mind is paying special attention to will give you important clues as to what real life fears and experiences your mind is trying to resolve by studying those images.

Now in a case like yours, I’d expect you to be feeling the strongest identity with the victims in the films you are watching–the ones who are being degraded. This is due to the fact that your own experience of being sexually molested as a child would have caused you to feel the same kind of humiliation and powerlessness that the victims in scat porn portray.

What is probably throwing you here is that bodily waste products are involved. You likely have not had any real life experiences in which people were smearing such products on you, so it’s natural to feel confused by your mind locking onto this theme in porn. And yet porn addicts often find themselves drawn to imagery that appears on the surface not to have any direct connection to their own lives.

The key to resolving this mystery is to understand how your subconscious thinks. Each of your elements (conscious, subconscious, body and soul) has its own “natural language” that it prefers to use when thinking its own thoughts and communicating with its partner elements. Your subconscious‘ native tongue is a highly visual, heavily symbolic language. In other words, your subconscious prefers to communicate through images and feelings rather than words. While it will use words when needed, it finds emotion-provoking images much more powerful and efficient. But because your subconscious uses images as a language, it doesn’t use those images in a straightforward manner. To your straightforward conscious mind, a picture of a tree simply means a tree. But to your very abstract subconscious, the image of a tree is a very versatile symbol which can communicate a whole variety of feelings, memories and concepts. Perhaps a tree represents your network of family relatives, or perhaps it stands for that tree house you had such fun in as a child, or perhaps it means the passing of time or the circle of life. While there is no limit to the kinds of concepts your subconscious might link to a tree, one thing is certain: a tree is never just a tree to your subconscious mind.

Your subconscious’ style of thinking is one of the things that makes your general existence feel so rich. A walk in the forest is so much more than you plodding your way over uneven ground while trying to look out for thorny underbrush and lumpy roots. A walk in the woods automatically stirs up certain emotions and memories for you as your subconscious reacts to all of the sensual data that your eyes and ears are collecting. It’s mainly your subconscious’ associations with the things you are seeing, hearing, and touching that determine whether you find walking in the woods to be an uplifting or depressing experience. The same is true when you’re walking down a public street, going to work, meeting a friend, watching a movie, or surfing the internet. Your subconscious is constantly reacting to the data your senses are collecting, and assessing that information for new and better ways to talk about the things that it feels are important.

Now this business of you being assaulted as a child is an extremely important and sensitive topic to your subconscious. At the time of the original assaults, your mind felt panicked, confused, and extremely distressed by it’s inability to protect you better. Such experiences trigger many urgent questions–questions that your mind often has no comfortable answer to. Questions without acceptable answers continue to agitate your mind, and whenever your mind is agitated, it instinctively assigns some of its resources to keep working on trying to solve those problems.

Now one of the key steps in solving a difficult problem is to look at that problem from multiple angles until you feel you have a really solid understanding of it. To your highly symbolic subconscious mind, rephrasing its current problems means trying to come up with new kinds of imagery that will communicate those complex distresses and concerns in a clear, powerful way.

The core shattering degradation that victims of molestation experience is impossible to put into words. Pronounceable words are simply incapable of conveying the complexity and intensity of what your mind feels about you being assaulted as a child. And yet your mind must speak about what is bothering it, because going over and over the problem is the only way it is going to find a solution. Here is where imagery comes into it. What more powerful way is there to convey utter humiliation than through a short film that is focused on some human being covered in bodily waste? Your subconscious loves moving imagery even more than static pictures. It is quite the talented film producer in its own right, and its creativity is shown every night through the dreams it produces while you sleep. But as much as your mind loves its own homemade films, it is always open to being inspired by other filmmakers. For a mind that is dealing with the kinds of stresses that yours is, the kinds of imagery and emotional themes being conveyed through scat porn films would easily feel like superb depictions of how completely demoralized you felt all of those times that other humans were forcing themselves on you. Why did they do that to you, anyway? And why were you singled out to be the victim over and over again? These are some of the questions your mind must be able to resolve in some bearable way. So far, it hasn’t come up with any good ideas, but instead of giving up, it is ramping up the intensity of its analytical process, which is why you are finding your addiction to this type of porn becoming so strong.

The strength of addictions and how often you need a “fix” directly reflects how pressured your mind feels about solving its current issues. Trauma related stresses always feel urgent to the mind, but when other areas of your life become stressful, your subconscious finds its workload suddenly increasing as it tries to keep your entire system functioning as well as possible. If your whole life was going smoothly, your mind would have more reserves. While it would still be enticed by scat porn, it probably wouldn’t be demanding that you watch it so often. But the fact that it’s demanding such frequent viewings (and no doubt manufacturing its own fantasies in between) indicates that it’s feeling like it’s barely keeping up with all of the demands on it right now, so it is trying to accelerate its search for a solution.

What all of this means is that your mind is simply trying to help you, protect you, and fix the negative fallout from some of the rotten things that have happened to you in the past. So, no, you’re really not some sick loser who is just “f’ed up.” Your behavior demonstrates that a very strategic mental process is at work. It also shows how determined your mind is to succeed in its search for answers. While your soul is trying to make this an issue about your moral character, morals really have nothing to do with it. Your mind has locked onto imagery which feels both validating and clarifying. To your mind, watching the porn actor being so degraded is like having another human accurately guess what you’re trying to say when you can’t find the right words. It is a relief to your mind to feel like its intense distress has been expressed in a satisfying way, and that is why you feel relieved after watching the porn.

Sex Mechanics

So why is the porn triggering a sexual climax? Well, being molested as a child causes your sex drive to get activated prematurely. It’s a partial activation, which you could think of like an app on your phone that gets partly downloaded, then stuck. Like apps on your phone, the human sex drive is programmed to start up and run with certain “factory settings.” What kinds of targets you feel sexually aroused by, and what kinds of sexual interactions you are attracted to are defined by those settings. Your subconscious has the master key to your sex drive’s settings, and it can choose to alter those settings if it wanted to. In general, your mind does not want to change your sex drive’s original programming because it knows that those factory settings are the best choices. But as your mind reels from the shock of you being assaulted, its reactions often result in temporary changes to those original settings.

For someone with your background, it is very reasonable for you to be incapable of experiencing sexual climax unless you are also focused on scat porn. Remember how I explained how symbolic your subconscious is, and that “a tree is never just a tree.” Well, sex is never just sex. All minds link sex to loads of concepts and experiences which have nothing to do with getting a physiological release. Sure, for men, sperm pressure is a very real issue that makes ejaculation an important part of physical health. In other words, your body needs you to have sexual climax for biological reasons. But your body cannot have sex without your subconscious monitoring the whole situation, and once your subconscious focuses on the topic of sex, it’s going to instantly bring up a bunch of traumatic memory files from you being assaulted as a kid.

Now ten kids could get molested the same way, yet their minds could end up focusing on ten different aspects of that experience. There is no way to predict what an individual mind will choose to emphasize about an assault experience, although there are some very common themes. In your case, this porn addiction makes it clear that to your mind, your lack of power at the time you were assaulted is one of the aspects it is hyper-focused on. Since the original assault was sexual in nature, today your mind can’t focus on sex without also focusing on feelings of degradation. But while your mind has merged the two ideas of sexual stimulation and degradation, your body still has a very real need to relieve its sperm pressure. Your mind is very protective over your body, and it wants to help your body get its physical needs handled, but the only way it can focus enough on sex to allow for a climax is to also focus on a subject which it finds extremely upsetting. This is why you currently can’t climax if you try to block out any “sick” fantasies that your mind automatically tries to form. By trying to just think “pure thoughts”, you will actually stress your mind more, because you’ll be trying to make it stuff down intense stress that is welling up like steam in a volcano. You might succeed in getting your penis to harden somewhat through physical rubbing because your body has certain automatic responses to be stimulated which can often be triggered regardless of what the mind is doing. But achieving actual climax requires the cooperation of the subconscious, and that’s where you can end up in a maddening bind of going erect-limp-erect-limp without being able to actually ejaculate. (I know we’re getting into graphic details here, but it’s worth it to give you a better understanding and I know how hard it is to find detailed explanations on these issues.)

Now since we’ve come this far, that automatic arousal issue I’ve just mentioned is a very important thing for you to understand as a molestation victim. Often in these cases, victims experience their body’s becoming physically aroused, then their souls misinterpret that behavior to mean that they actually wanted and/or enjoyed being violated. But, no, there are two important divisions here: physical arousal (which is just a matter of stimulating the right nerves), and psychological approval (which is a matter of your subconscious deciding to allow ejaculation). In other words, a molester can make your body do things that you don’t want your body to do. Just as a doctor can rap your knee with a hammer and cause your leg to involuntarily jerk, a molester can cause your penis to grow erect by handling it in certain ways. Your body’s physiological reaction to being physically stimulated in no way indicates what your soul’s response to the situation is. The theory that “some part of you must want this or you wouldn’t have gotten hard” is absolute rubbish.

Before we leave this tangent, there is one more important concept that I want to explain since it might be relevant to your situation. Minds have different automatic responses to being assaulted. The more terrifying the assault situation is, and the more powerless minds feel in the moment, the more desperate they will be to use any strategy that might reduce how much injury is sustained. To many minds, the smartest way to respond to sexual assault and guarantee the least amount of physical injury is to cooperate with the abuser. Now because your subconscious has the power to completely overrule your body when needed, and because the subconscious has so much influence over sexual climax, in the midst of being assaulted, your mind can force your body to climax in order to satisfy your molester. Once again, this kind of behavior tends to be misinterpreted by the soul, which sees the evidence of climax and says “What kind of sick animal are you to actually get turned on by this creep?!” But in these cases, the mind is not forcing climax because it likes what is happening–on the contrary, the mind hates what is happening and it is only overriding body mechanics in an attempt to manipulate your attacker. By giving a molester what he wants, your mind is hoping to get him (or her) away from you as soon as possible. The key point I want you to grasp here is that sexual climax can have many different psychological motivations driving it. The theory that sexual climax must always indicate pleasure and a psychological approval of what is happening is completely false. In your case, for example, the sexual climax you’re experiencing when watching porn is being primarily fueled by psychological distress, not psychological pleasure and not even biological need. The fact that you are craving sex all the time demonstrates that your mind is not seeking climax just to help your body relieve sperm pressure. Instead, your mind is trying to vent its own buildup of stress.

Now your mind doesn’t enjoy the porn images that you’re watching, because those images are talking about one of its greatest fears. But while your mind finds the imagery horrifying, it also finds it validating and helpful in expressing its distress over what happened to you in the past. In cases like this, it’s very common for minds not to feel that internal “sigh of relief” until you have physically climaxed. This is due to another complex issue: how the mind uses the body to vent psychological distress. I won’t delve into this too much, but there is a very fascinating link between physical exertion and mental debriefing which makes things like crying and laughing very effective mental stress relievers. Sexual climax is another very intense physiological process which can also be used to vent a measure of mental distress. Not all minds choose to use climax in this way, but for minds that do, there can be periods where they start pushing for the body to climax all the time. When minds do this, it is not only exhausting to the body, but it tends to make the conscious feel too frazzled to focus, which is what you’re experiencing. But again, despite how maddening this is, remember that your mind is actually trying to help you by engaging in these obsessive behaviors. Is this really the best way to resolve your situation? No, but it’s very common for minds to cling to lousy solutions until they are introduced to better ones.

Strategic Unraveling

Now if your obsession with scat porn is rooted in your childhood assault experiences, why do you get such a panic response when you try to watch child porn? Why doesn’t your mind use the same logic and also find child porn to be a symbolic and validating reenactment of what happened to you in the past? Given how extreme your response to child porn is, it sounds like the child porn is a bit too on the mark for your subconscious.

Severely traumatic memories are like large, complicated knots that your mind has to find a way to untangle. In real life, you’d tackle a large knot by carefully tugging at one strand at a time. You wouldn’t pull on all the strands at once or you’d make the thing even worse. In the same way, when unpacking traumatic memories, your subconscious will choose certain details to focus on first. In your case, we see your mind focused on the issue of how powerless and degraded you felt at the time you were being abused. By studying the scat porn, it’s trying to get those feelings a bit more under control before it moves on to other aspects of what happened to you. But when you take a run at child porn, it’s like you’re suddenly tugging on all of the strands of the knot at once. It’s too much to your mind to get faced with imagery that is likely far too much of a parallel of what happened to you in real life. As a general concept, child porn probably seems enticing to you because it’s discussing a subject that you are very focused on. So I’d expect there to be a certain attraction there, which is probably why you tried to watch it in the past. But your mind’s panicked reaction tells you that you need to stay away from that imagery right now, because it’s too much at once.

Now in a case like yours, it’s very normal for the mind to keep producing its own porn fantasies right inside your head as you’re trying to go about your normal business. Those self-produced fantasies will likely focus on the same kinds of themes you see in the scat porn. The advantage to self-produced images is that your mind can adjust the details of the film to be more relevant to it. For example, I’d expect your mind to sometimes insert you as the character who is being degraded when it’s running its own films.

In cases where the mind feels stripped of power, a common way that it tries to resolve that crisis is to play around with the idea of you symbolically reversing roles with your past abusers. If your mind is doing this kind of thing, then when you watch scat porn, you might sometimes find yourself identifying not with the victim, but with the bully who is doing the degrading. What your mind would be testing for here is how much relief it might get by trying to dish out the same kind of abuse that you’ve received. This kind of role reversal theme is most common in minds with an aggressive emergency response pattern, but extremely stressed out passives can find themselves attracted to it as well (see Freezing vs. Fighting: Two Strategic Responses to Assault). Again, the goal is the same: your mind is trying to help you by resolving its distress over what happened in the past.

Now beneath all of this trauma stress, you still have a sex drive that is capable of operating according to its “normal” settings, which means you being sexually attracted to a female peer and feeling turned on by positive and respectful kinds of sexual interactions. But because sexual activity is so strongly linked to unresolved fear right now, it’s no surprise that your mind panics at the idea of you attempting sex with a real life partner. Does this mean you are doomed to live a life of celibacy? No, because as awful as this feels now, it can be resolved. But while you’re working on resolving it, you do need to respect your mind’s boundaries by not trying to force yourself to sexually engage with another person.

Right now, you are not in the right mental place to experience a sexual climax for the right reasons. If you were to try to force yourself, one of two things would likely happen: either you’d remain impossibly limp, or your mind would completely panic and force you to have a terror-based erection–one in which you essentially try to get in and out fast before your sexual partner harms you further. Since we don’t want your mind to feel like it’s having yet another experience of being sexually violated, you definitely need to steer clear of sexual situations until your mind has a chance to feel calmer and not view your partner as a symbol of your past abusers. When you do eventually attempt sex with someone, you will probably need to ease into it slowly. This means first getting comfortable with having your body in general being physical handled, and remaining at that level for a while before you attempt actual intercourse. For ideas about how you might go about this, see How Can I Help My Partner Feel More Comfortable In Bed?).

Helping the Mind

This post should give your soul a lot to think about. As I’ve explained, your mind isn’t trying to wallow in perversity for its own sake. It is actually trying very hard to help you by finding a way to resolve it’s very legitimate stress. Right now it’s simply not realistic to expect your mind to stop focusing on scat porn. Whether it’s videos on the internet or videos being manufactured by your own mind, your mind needs to express how degraded, powerless, and upset it felt by people abusing you in the past. The next time you find your mind locking onto this kind of imagery, try to respond with compassion instead of criticism. Instead of saying, “Stop it, you pervert,” try saying, “It is totally reasonable for me to be so upset by the terrible things that were done to me. But I don’t have to stay this upset forever. While those experiences did make me feel like I was powerless, I do have power, and I can use it to help myself heal from the past.”

In cases like this, it’s best to try to add a new tool to the mind’s toolbox instead of ripping away the one it’s currently using. How urgently we should try to shutdown trauma coping methods depends on how much harm they are doing. Allowing your mind to focus on degrading imagery is not causing physical harm to your body, nor is it harming others. But it is helping your mind talk about something that it really needs to talk about. Often in cases of deviant porn addictions, there are ethical, practical, and legal reasons why people want to stop watching films online. The best way to get offline is to allow your mind to run its own fantasies in your head. If you start responding to those fantasies with compassion and understanding instead of scolding, your mind will get more relief out of running them, and therefore need to run them less often. To help maximize how much relief your mind experiences, try to talk to yourself sympathetically as much as possible during the fantasy. Validating comments like, “What happened to me was horrible, and it’s perfectly reasonable for me to be upset” are very healing to the mind. When you pair validation with hope by adding comments like, “I have been deeply wounded, but I can also recover from these wounds in time,” that will give your mind further relief.

It’s vital that you use the strategy I just described to help maximize how much relief your mind gets by dwelling on its own fantasies. What we don’t want is for you to start trying to act out the fantasies in real life, either by abusing yourself or inviting others to do so. Minds that are not receiving any relief will eventually cross over into physical reenactments of past traumas. To prevent that from happening (or get it to stop happening if it already is), it’s essential that your soul start putting intentional effort into giving your mind the sympathy it deserves for the struggle it is dealing with.

Now in all cases of trauma, the worst damage isn’t caused by physical circumstances, but by how we interpret those circumstances. Trauma is fueled by negative beliefs, assumptions, and theories about what certain experiences mean about ourselves, our place in the world, and our future. To effectively heal trauma, those specific negative beliefs need to be identified and adjusted. This is a stressful process which takes a lot of time and needs to be moved through gently, at a pace your mind is comfortable with. But while recovering from trauma is a many step process, each step forward brings a measure of relief, and as relief builds, the mind gets more of its resources freed up. So it’s absolutely worth it, and you can do it. Here is a post that will get you started: Practical Steps for Correcting Traumatic Beliefs.

This post was written in response to Z.

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