Sex In-Depth: A Guide for the Ladies

I’ve been asked to give some advice for women regarding sex and sexual frustrations. In my counseling career, sex has come up a lot, and I have found that both men and women are pretty desperate for accurate and in-depth information on this subject. So sex education is a passion of mine, and when I do sex ed, I get into some rather graphic anatomical detail, since it’s impossible not to do so and teach this topic correctly. What this means for you is that this might not be a good post to read while you’re having a snack, especially if you already feel a bit squeamish about words like vagina and masturbate. We’re going to talk about it all in this post, so buckle up ladies, and let’s get ready to learn. (Guys, if you want an in-depth sex guide for yourselves as well, just send in a request and I’ll be happy to write one up.)

What Is “Normal” Sex?

Let’s start with a little known yet vital piece of information. Your mind controls your sex drive. While your sex drive is technically a biological thing, and therefore part of your body’s domain, your mind–specifically your subconscious–has so much power over your body’s functions that it can drastically change your body’s sexual interests.

Now in these modern times, it’s considered very politically incorrect to say that straight is the only normal for humans and all other “orientations”–such as homosexuality, bisexuality, and pedophilia–are unhealthy deviations.

Political correctness is for people who want to be popular. As a counselor who is more interested in helping people than being liked by them, I don’t give a hoot about staying trendy. The reality is that there are many truths about the human design which we humans feel very threatened by. When humans feel threatened by something, they try to comfort themselves by inventing false realities for themselves. One very popular false reality that’s being rammed down everyone’s throats today is that humans are naturally born with a variety of sexual orientations. Some of us are born straight, some are born gay, some are born bi, etc., etc..

Well, no, that’s utter hooey.

Anyone who’s been my client knows that I have immense compassion for all humans, and that you’d be hard pressed to find anyone who is less judgmental towards non-straights than I am. I’ve worked with heterosexuals, transsexuals, bisexuals, pedophiles and homosexuals. In every case I’ve seen a human with great potential and wonderful inner beauty. But if you’re going to help someone, you don’t lie to them about why they are they way they are. Instead, you educate them about their own internal mechanics so that they can understand why they feel and act the way that they do. We have to gain understanding before we can start making wise decisions about how we want to pursue our own development, and pursuing personal maturity is the most important goal you can focus on as a human being.

So then, despite what you’re being told on all sides, humans are born as heterosexual beings. While there are cases of humans being born with both sets of sexual organs, such cases are quite rare. The vast majority of us are born with bodies that have been programmed with a heterosexual drive, meaning that your preferred sexual partner is someone of the opposite gender than you. But that said, focusing on gender is not good enough when we’re trying to understand what a normal, healthy sex drive looks like. Since so many of us have developed unhealthy, abnormal sex drives, it’s not at all clear to us what a healthy sex drive looks like because we’ve never experienced it. Here’s where a nifty chart could really come in handy…

Now if you’re personally identifying with some of the qualities in the “Abnormal” column of this chart, don’t start getting all stressed out. Remember that the goal is to understand, not criticize. You can’t possibly aim for healthy sexual interactions when you don’t even know what they look or feel like, so we have to start with clearly defining what “normal” means. But improving your approach to sex is like starting on a journey to a destination that is far away from where you are right now. Sitting down in a depressed funk won’t do you any good, nor will constantly harping on how much farther you still have to go. When it comes to self-improvement, the focus needs to be on celebrating progress, no matter how small that progress might be.

In real life, the stronger you identify with qualities that I’ve listed as “Abnormal,” the more difficult it will be for you to transition to the “Normal” version of those things. Many of us who are firmly in the “Abnormal” camp will never be able to completely convert to a “Normal” way of thinking and feeling about sex. In other words, the theory that homosexuality is something that can be easily “fixed” is a bunch of rubbish. While it is absolutely possible for your sexual orientation to undergo drastic changes as you progress in life, you can’t force those kinds of changes to occur. The most you can do is gain a deeper understanding of why your sexual preferences developed the way that they have, and then try to address any problems that you unearth. In practice, this usually means working on your own psychological baggage because…

Your Subconscious Controls Your Sex Drive

While sex is typically thought of as a body thing, the subconscious department of your mind is far more involved in your sexual activities than you realize. You see, sex means very different things to the different elements of your being. Surprisingly, your subconscious is far more invested in sex than your body is. Your subconscious is a multi-tasking genius whose top priority is protecting you. But your subconscious is also a very complex personality with a bizarre way of going about things. Because your subconscious is so complicated, it tends to complicate anything it gets involved in, and its strong interest in sex is the main reason why sex has always been such a complicated, messy, and confusing affair for human beings.

Sex triggers a lot of conflicting emotions in people, and this is largely due to the fact that you have four different elements to your being which each have their opinions about sexual topics. Having a basic understanding of how your elements view sex is very helpful, so here’s a quick breakdown:

Your Body’s View of Sex

Your body is designed with some strong reproductive instincts. Not only does it spend a large part of your life manufacturing baby making materials, but whenever it ships another egg down to that incredible nesting ground known as your uterus, it also makes you feel a lot more randy than usual so that you’ll be more likely to do the sort of activity that will result in about 100 million sperm eagerly charging towards said egg.

The fact that God designed humans with biological instincts that make them very likely to procreate should be seen as a positive vote from Him that He likes us enough to keep wanting to make more of us. It’s very strategic on God’s part that we ladies experience an extra interest in sex right when we’re egg-ready. But while God’s clever timing helps procreation happen, from the perspective of your body, sex is primarily a way to feel good and relieve stress.

All four of your elements are highly complex entities and they can each become stressed for a variety of reasons. To help them deal with this problem, God has designed your being with many tools for bringing stress levels down. For your body, experiencing sexual climax has some very practical benefits, as it is a very effective way of relieving certain kinds of biological tension. Healthy sex practices also feel good, and your body is a very big fan of feeling good. In fact, feeling good and staying safe are your body’s top two priorities, which is why it really doesn’t like being forced or hurt during sexual interactions. If your body had its own way, sex would always be a feel good experience, and you’d be able to climax anytime your body felt a build up of certain kinds of internal pressures. But of course things aren’t as simple as this because your body has three other partner elements who each have their own ideas about what is most important.

Your Subconscious’ View of Sex

While your body sees sex as a way to experience sensual pleasure and release some of its own tensions, your subconscious views sex as a tantalizing opportunity to get some of its own needs met, such as its need for emotional affirmation from another human. But while intimate relations have some unique benefits, they also come with some high risks. Your subconscious’ top priority is protecting you from harm. Anything that inhibits your ability to function well is considered a threat, and once a threat is identified, your subconscious starts working on eliminating it.

Now threats to your system come in many forms. There are physical threats, psychological threats, social threats, spiritual threats…the list goes on and on. Because your subconscious has so many essential tasks to stay on top of just to keep you functioning at bare minimum, it can’t spend all of its energy on problem solving. So it prioritizes. It compiles a list of your current problems, then analyzes which of your elements is being most negatively impacted by each issue. Maybe you currently have some virus attacking your immune system. That’s a body problem. While your subconscious certainly cares about your body’s well-being, your body is not your top ranking element. Your body depends quite a bit on your subconscious to help it operate, and that makes the health of your subconscious more important than the health of your body. Your conscious is also incapable of functioning without constant assistance from your subconscious. As for your soul, well, it’s basically useless at running your body or your conscious, and that means your subconscious is quite literally holding your whole system together. Well aware of what a critical role it plays in keeping your complex system operational, your subconscious feels quite justified in prioritizing its own problems over the problems that your other elements are having. What this means in practice is that your subconscious is quite willing to compromise the well-being of one of your other elements in order to get its own needs met.

To your subconscious, sex is loaded with symbolism. Another human can’t put their hands on your body without your subconscious reading all kinds of meaning into that behavior. You can’t physically uncover your privates without your subconscious going on alert and becoming hyper vigilant about potential threats in your environment. Because sex involves physical interactions with highly sensitive regions of your body, your subconscious is highly sensitive about WHO is touching you, HOW they are touching you, and WHY they are interacting with you the way that they are.

When humans design a new city, they map out zones that determine what kinds of buildings will be put where. Residential zones are for houses, industrial zones are for manufacturing, commercial zones are for shops. Each zone type has its own set of rules about what kinds of activities can and can’t be done in it. Creating special zones helps cities run more efficiently while avoiding expensive problems.

Your mind has a similar kind of zoning map that it has formed regarding your physical body. According to that map, your body is divided up into different zones, with each zone having specific rules about the kinds of interactions that should and shouldn’t take place in it. For example, your mind is probably fine with a stranger shaking your hand as a form of greeting during a casual conversation. But your mind is not okay with that stranger shaking your breast instead. Every zone on your mind’s body map has specific rules about touch that involve the three important principles of WHO, HOW and WHY.

Your mind might feel it is a very good thing for your father (WHO) to kiss you on the cheek (HOW) as a means of communicating fatherly affection (WHY). But the same WHO doing the same HOW for the purpose of preparing to rape you (WHY) is an extreme violation of your mind’s zoning rules. To your body, a gentle kiss on the cheek feels the same regardless of the kisser’s motivation. Your body cares most about the HOW, and doesn’t bother much with the WHY or the WHO. As long as the touch you’re receiving is pleasant, your body will like it. Understanding this principle is especially helpful for victims of sexual assault who experienced some degree of physical pleasure during their assault. A very common stress for assault victims is, “Something must be horribly wrong with me that I enjoyed being groped like that.” Well, no, you are not some disgusting pervert just because your body had a normal body response to pleasurable touch. A lot of sexual touch is pleasurable from the body’s point of view. Your body doesn’t look beyond the HOW. This isn’t a flaw, it’s the way bodies were designed to operate.

It is your subconscious that helps you recognize when a sexual interaction is inappropriate. While your body is solely focused on the HOW, your subconscious considers WHO and WHY to be the more important factors. If your subconscious’ analysis of a situation causes it to feel that you have been mistreated, it will become very upset and defensive because what does your mind care most about? Protecting you.

Now when it comes to making threat assessments, past experience provides vital insights. The reason children are so notorious for doing dangerous things–like sticking their fingers into electrical sockets or touching hot stove burners–is because they haven’t yet had the chance to amass much life experience. But once little Becky does touch that hot burner and gets a proper scalding, her subconscious makes some important notes for itself so that it can steer Becky away from hot burners in the future.


Understanding how much your mind relies on your past experiences to analyze your present circumstances is very helpful when you’re dealing with sex related stresses. The more negative sexual interactions you’ve had in the past, the more nervous and stressed your mind will feel when you attempt sex with someone new. Many of you are probably aware of how much mockery is aimed at frigid women. There is immense pressure on women to act like they are enjoying sexual interactions even when they aren’t, and to hide any discomfort that they feel. Well, no, that whole attitude is a bunch of rubbish that you need to reject. Any partner who mocks your distress is acting like a jerk and is not someone you should be getting into bed with. If you find yourself tensing up whenever your partner starts making moves on you, or if you find sexual intercourse to be a physically uncomfortable experience, don’t try to stuff down your feelings or ignore your internal stress signals. Instead, remember that your mind always has valid reasons for reacting the way that it does. If it feels threatened by sex, it has logical reasons for feeling that way, and those reasons need to be discussed and respected. Just as you aren’t going to help a frightened child by yelling at her, you aren’t going to calm your mind by trying to ignore its distress.

Frigid women are women who feel threatened by the idea of sexual interactions. They need their feelings to be respected not mocked. Frigidity can absolutely be overcome, but the fastest way to go from hating sex to enjoying it is to experience your feelings being respected and your partner being extra gentle with you. Going slow is also a very important element, as moving at a slower pace makes your mind feel more confident that it can track what’s happening and see trouble coming a ways off. Rushing through sex when your mind is already tense only causes it to become more upset because it feels like it doesn’t have enough time to do thorough threat assessments. So going slow, being gentle, and talking about your fears are important keys to getting comfortable with sex.

It is your subconscious that is tirelessly trying to keep you safe by looking for clues about other people’s motivations so that it can intervene before disaster happens. It is your subconscious that causes one kiss to feel comforting while another turns your stomach with fear and repulsion. In the second scenario, that nauseous feeling in your gut is caused by your body responding to your mind’s assessment of what is happening. By itself, your body doesn’t have the ability to make complex threat assessments because it doesn’t have the ability maintain large amounts of data regarding what’s happened to you in the past. Your body has some incredible skills, but remembering its past mistakes isn’t one of them.

Mind Over Body

While there are some common physical challenges that women run into during intercourse (more on that later), a lot of issues that appear physical are really psychological. When you are struggling to get physically comfortable with sex, it’s vital to understand how much power your subconscious has over your body. When needed, your subconscious can completely override your bodily functions and cause it to do things that you couldn’t normally do or don’t want to do. A classic example here is your vagina suddenly clamping shut when you’re trying to have intercourse. This is a very awkward situation to find yourself in, yet it is a common self-defense for female minds that feel very threatened by vaginal interactions.

The vagina is an amazing organ: it is essentially a tunnel that has muscles for walls. When those powerful muscles clamp down, nothing is getting into that tunnel, not even a tampon. When a man is trying to insert his penis into you and your body goes into this kind of lock down, what should you do? Women often feel embarrassed in these moments, and desperately try to will their bodies to relax. But remember, your body likes the idea of sex, because it likes to feel good. Trying to order your body to relax is not going to get you anywhere because you’ll be yelling at the wrong element. It is your mind that causes these kinds of lock downs, and because your mind is so fiercely loyal to you, it’s not likely to drop its protective guard just because you’re fussing at it. Instead, it’s probably going to take a “mother knows best” stand and refuse to allow your vagina to relax until the threat of intercourse has passed.

Now freezing up on a date is embarrassing, but let’s be honest: a lot of the guys we’re sleeping with shouldn’t be allowed in our vaginas anyway because (ahem) they’re hardly good spouse material. While there is a lot of pressure on women to make their bodies available to anyone who expresses an interest, no, your body isn’t a public train platform, it’s your personal, private domain and you should be extremely particular about who gets intimate access to it. So before you start giving your mind a bunch of guff about embarrassing you in front of some guy who is just using you, consider that your mind might be making better judgment calls than you are when it comes to who should be allowed inside of you.

Nothing good comes out of one night stands. The whole idea of sleeping with a virtual stranger is an immense violation of so many of the vital rules for how to form healthy relationships. But since we’re talking about sex and not how to form functional relationships, let’s move on. What happens if you’re with the one, and it’s on your wedding night that your mind does its panicked lock down? Now you’re in a real pickle, because this is a relationship you’re committed to, and you know that he’s a great guy, so why can’t your mind see that and stop freaking out?

The key to overcoming fears like this is to remember that your mind relies on your past experiences to form its threat assessments. When your wonderful new hubby starts trying to romance you in the bedroom, your subconscious doesn’t suddenly decide to give him the benefit of the doubt. Once it realizes that someone is going to try to have sex with you, your mind will pull up its memory files of your previous experiences of people interacting with that region of your body. If those files are filled with a bunch of terrifying data, then of course your mind is going to rush to your defense, even against Mr. Wonderful. It doesn’t matter how nice he treats you in other aspects of the relationship–he’s moving in on territory that has been violated in the past, and your mind currently has no basis for assuming that this round of interaction will be any better than what happened in the past. Can you see how logical this kind of thinking is?

So what’s the solution here? Well, if you want your mind to change its threat assessment, you need to give it reason to do so, and that means providing it with positive experiences that can dilute the intensity of all those upsetting memory files. Your subconscious is very smart. It knows the difference between “always bad” and “sometimes bad, sometimes good.” The more experiences you collect of your hubby treating your body nicely and respecting your mind’s distress, the more your mind will develop doubt in its current threat assessment and feel a need to revise its theory that all intercourse is evil. But as long as your mind is freaking out about the idea of a man inserting his penis into you, you need to avoid attempting that particular activity. Instead, the healing process can move forward by you experiencing other forms of positive touch: cuddling naked, gentle caresses, that sort of thing. Easing in is the key in these situations. The goal is to find forms of touch that your mind is willing to put up with, then keep showing it how nice those kinds of touch can be. As your mind slowly moves its boundaries back, you slowly step up the degree of touch until you finally feel ready to try full on intercourse. Does this method take time? Yes. But this slow, gentle approach is the fastest way to fix the problem at its core, which comes down to changing your mind’s beliefs.

Your subconscious wants its threat assessments to be accurate, so when it is presented with enough evidence to realize that its current assessments are wrong, it will want to change them. Protecting you from harm is a 24/7 job that takes immense resources. Your mind isn’t interested in wasting resources fighting off threats that don’t really exist. But when you have been severely traumatized in the past, it’s going to take time for your mind to risk lowering its guard.

Because sexual trauma can result in some extreme fears about engaging in sex, if you know that you are very distressed by the whole sex package, that is an important piece of information that you should be sharing with your man before those wedding bells ring. A lot of classy men simply don’t have the resources to help women recover from severe sexual trauma. Such a complex problem requires special equipping, and often the men who are best suited to the task are ones who have been sexually traumatized themselves and so they instinctively understand the kinds of fears you are grappling with. It’s not fair to fault a man for not wanting to marry a woman who he can’t have sex with right off. It’s far better for everyone to be honest about the limits of their resources upfront instead of lying and then ending up in a royal mess. Sex is much more of a biological need for men than it is for women, so even when you have reasonable grounds for refusing sex, it’s just as reasonable for your guy to feel unable to stay with you when you are unable to provide him with one of his core needs. It’s important to realize that this is an area in which the two genders are very different, so more effort is required on both sides to make things work.

Your Soul’s View of Sex

We’ve talked about your body and your subconscious, but how does your soul view sex? It honestly doesn’t get why this is such a big flaming deal to your other two elements. Your soul has no sex drive, and it isn’t dialed into your body the way that your subconscious is, so it really doesn’t understand about biological tensions or why the whole orgasm thing is so great. From where your soul is sitting, orgasms are bizarre events in which your body becomes distracted to the point of useless and your subconscious obsesses over a bunch of imagery that doesn’t seem very morally upright.

Your soul cares about things like morality, character, and life after death. Your soul has no nerves or skin so while it can appreciate the idea of your body enjoying being physically pleasured, it’s not like your soul personally feels a need for such things because it is a non-physical entity. Of course just because your soul has no nerves doesn’t mean it has no feelings. On the contrary, your soul has a wide range of emotions which can become quite intense at times. Spiritual joy is a different thing than psychological or physical joy. There are plenty of things that make your soul feel wonderfully ecstatic, but none of those things are sexual. So when it comes to sex, your soul just doesn’t get it. Unlike the activity of eating, which your soul has an easier time seeing the practical value of, sexual activities seem entirely superfluous–something that your system should easily be able to do without. Because your soul views sex this way, it tends to be quite condescending towards your body when it starts hankering for sexual release. And when your subconscious starts producing a bunch of “dirty thoughts”, well that really irks your soul, because now it feels that its partner elements are dragging you down.

Every soul has its own beliefs, some of which make up its moral code. Your personal moral code is an ever-changing thing. Like your mind, your soul continuously adjusts its beliefs in response to new experiences that you collect. Typically your childhood guardians have a strong influence on what your soul’s first moral beliefs are. Because your guardians control vital resources, your soul often feels a strong need to please them, and one of the ways it tries to do that is by copying their moral codes. As you grow up and become more independent, your soul finds new models of morality to imitate, such as the pastor of your church or your religious friends. If you choose to get involved in a religious community, your soul will often make major changes to its beliefs to better align with that community. It is usually from religious communities that souls learn to view sex in a very negative light. Suddenly sexual arousal is turned into a carnal lust which offends your Creator and tempts you into all sorts of sinful debauchery. Once your soul forms such a grim view of sex, it starts reacting very negatively to your body or mind expressing desires for sexual release. Bizarrely, masturbation (which is when you sexually arouse yourself by touching your own sex organs) is often labeled a particularly loathsome thing–even more so than having sex with a partner. But hold on–why is it okay for your husband to touch your privates, but it’s totally disgusting if you touch them yourself? Who made up that ridiculous rule? According to many religious communities, God did, and if your soul really cares about pleasing God, it naturally panics at the idea of you offending Him in some way.

God’s View of Sex

So is it really true that God thinks sex is all icky yuck? Of course not. Talking to God about sex is like talking to a brilliant architect about an impressive building that he designed. God heartily approves of all of His inventions, and He is the One who invented sex. So if you feel awkward about talking to God about sex, it’s important to realize that all of the awkwardness is on your side, not His. God is entirely comfortable with the subject of sex, and He understands how your elements function far better than you do. So while you think your body is acting like a lusty pervert when your pulse quickens at the sight of some gorgeous guy, God sees what’s really going on: your body and mind are having totally normal, logical responses to the sight of a stranger who symbolizes all kinds of things to you (see Why Do I Keep Falling In Love With Jerks?). Morals have nothing to do with it. When we feel turned on from afar by strangers, it is a psychological thing, and your mind doesn’t give a toss about morality.

By now you’ve formed a lot of false beliefs about how God views you, your urges, and your activities. Understanding that a lot of your beliefs about God are just plain wrong is the first step towards fixing them. When we stubbornly decide that we know God better than He knows Himself, our souls fall into a bad habit of talking at God instead of talking to Him. We stop listening, and therefore we stop learning. But while our souls stubbornly cling to their wrong beliefs, our bodies and minds continue to consider sex an important subject. The result is a whole lot of warring between the elements as the soul becomes hostile whenever the body or mind start talking about sex. Because your subconscious knows what an important role it plays in keeping your system functional, it resents the soul trying to shut it down whenever it starts musing about sex. So what if your subconscious is cranking out a bunch of perverse sexual fantasies? It has logical reasons for doing so which your soul doesn’t begin to appreciate or respect, so why should your mind cater to what your soul wants when your soul is being such a jerk? These are the kinds of internal arguments that result in you feeling stressed, depressed, and conflicted whenever your sex drive goes into high gear. It’s an awkward mess, isn’t it?

Your Conscious’ View of Sex

Finally we come to the last of your elements: your conscious. This is the department of your mind that you are using when you form verbal thoughts in your head, but why are those thoughts so contradictory? First you think “That actor is so hot” but then you think, “It’s a sin to lust.” One minute you think, “I wouldn’t mind trying a sex toy,” and the next minute you feel all embarrassed and think, “What is wrong with me?”

Like your soul, your conscious doesn’t care about sex. But unlike your soul, your conscious cares immensely about what your subconscious thinks. This is because your conscious is extremely dependent on your subconscious to help it function. Your conscious is much more limited and delicate than your subconscious is, and that means it can become easily frazzled and overwhelmed. It’s your subconscious that carefully meters out how much information your conscious has access to at any given time, and it is your subconscious that helps your conscious prioritize its tasks as you go throughout the day. Should you make lunch or finish balancing your budget? Your conscious has no clue how to make a good decision here, so it looks to your subconscious for help. Your subconscious runs a quick assessment of your current resources, contemplates what other goals you might want to accomplish today, then tells your conscious what to do.

Your conscious is your most responsive element, meaning that it spends a lot more time listening and repeating than it does coming up with its own thoughts. When you converse with another human, most of the things you say are a result of your conscious simply passing on comments that were made by your soul, body, and subconscious. This is not to say that your conscious doesn’t have its own opinions on things, because it does. Your conscious’ top desire is to see all of your elements calm and getting along with each other. So when your soul and subconscious start arguing about sex, your conscious becomes very stressed.

When you feel conflicted, that is due to you experiencing two of your elements (usually your soul and subconscious) expressing opposing opinions about something. When you hear a rapid verbal argument taking place inside your head, that is your conscious translating bits and pieces of the things your warring elements are saying to each other. Supernatural elements also get involved in these affairs, but I won’t get into that here. The point is that your conscious is the part of you that translates the various feelings of your different elements into verbal thoughts. But by itself, your conscious doesn’t care about sex–it just cares about keeping the peace by pleasing its partner elements. When your subconscious really wants you to pick up that guy at the bar, your conscious will cooperate with your subconscious’ scheme. The next morning when you wake up in a stranger’s bed feeling like an immoral yuck, your conscious will feel stressed that your soul is so angry about what you did. Your conscious acts very subservient to your other elements, and it just wants to avoid stress as much as possible.

Getting Practical

The reason I spent so much time explaining how your various elements view sex is because I want you to start getting a proper appreciation of what a complex little thing you are. Sex is not a simple affair. Sex is an extremely complicated issue because three of your critical elements attach all kinds of meaning to your sexual activities. Your soul can easily reach a point of thinking that your sexual behaviors and desires will play a major role in determining where you end up in the next life. Many souls believe that certain kinds of sexual sins or sexual thoughts will automatically land them in some version of Hell. Meanwhile, your subconscious could consider sex to be an important means of getting certain needs met, in which case it’s going to be very frustrated by any obstacles that stand between you and the kind of sex it’s craving. It’s useful to realize that your subconscious not only determines who you want to have sex with, but also what kinds of sexual interactions you want. In many cases, minds have very specific preferences when it comes to the style of sexual interactions they want, and when those styles happen to be very dark and twisted, naturally this causes their partner souls a lot of anguish.

We’ve already discussed frigidity, which occurs when minds feel threatened by sex and intentionally try to sabotage any sexual interactions that they don’t like. Of course there are healthy aversions to sex, such as when you feel repulsed by your partner being forceful or ignoring your request for him to slow down or pause. There are also physical problems which cause sex to be uncomfortable, and so your body naturally wants to avoid it. How do we strike a healthy balance here?

To find a practical solution to your sexual problems, you first need to identify which element is having the issue. For example, your partner gets on top of you and you find yourself tensing up. What’s happening in your mind in that moment? If you’re thinking, “This is going to be painful,” you might be dealing with a physical problem that can be easily fixed. If you’re seeing the face of your past rapist flash into your mind, then you’re dealing with psychological distress. If you’re thinking, “I’m such a slut,” you’re dealing with soul stress. Paying more attention to your thoughts whenever you feel stressed can really help you start pinpointing what the actual problem is.

Let’s now talk about some of the more common struggles women have with sex, and what some practical solutions could be.

The Rubbing Hurts!

Lubrication is vital to you having a comfortable experience with sex. In other words, things need to be plenty wet down there. If you are dry to slightly moist, then any rubbing by hands, penises, or objects is going to get painful very fast.

Now to deal with this problem, God has designed your body with the ability to self-lubricate. When you feel sexually aroused, your body will begin to produce some very handy, thick secretions through your vagina. Let’s face it: the whole female reproductive set up is amazing. Your vagina is not only incredibly strong and able to expand wide enough to squeeze an entire baby through, but it also comes equipped with an array of immune defenses that rush to assassinate unwanted microscopic invaders. Yes, STDs are real and quite nasty. But while a lot of fuss is made about diseases that take hold, there’s not nearly enough credit given to how many threats your body successful fends off thanks to its ingenious array of chemical compounds and friendly microscopic critters.

So God is a Genius and your reproductive organs were designed with amazing capabilities. But that said, the self-lubricating process I mentioned is very sensitive to your mental state, meaning it can automatically turn off the minute your mood shifts. It also takes time for your body to secrete enough lubrication to protect you from the level of friction involved in normal intercourse. For many women, it’s far more practical to speed things along by adding some store bought lubrication.

Now if you’re new to sex lubricants, here’s a quick lesson. There are two basic kinds: water based, and oil based. Oil based are thicker, and less absorbent, and that means they provide way more comfort. But most condoms are also oil based and when oil meets oil, things can start corroding. If you’re trying to avoid pregnancy, you should make sure to read the info on the products being used and avoid combining oil based lubes with condoms.

Water based lubricants tend to be thinner, runnier, and quick to absorb into your skin, at which point they cease to give you any help against rubbing. Imagine the difference between washing your hands with water or spreading hand cream on them. The cream is oily, which is why it sits on the surface of your skin, but the water absorbs into your skin and soon your hands are dry again. That’s the kind of dilemma you run into with lubricants, and usually the solution is to keep your tube of lube close by in case you need to add more at some point.

Lubrication is vital, so don’t be afraid to use it. Also take your time to explore the many products out there. When it comes to using products on privates, I always recommend getting the ones with the least additives, and ensuring that any product you buy for the purpose of aiding with sex is intended for genital use. Your privates are special organs with their own sensitivities, so don’t just go putting anything on them.

You need to respect the fact that your body is composed of a series of specialized areas, each of which have their own unique balance of critters and immune defenses. Generally speaking, God has designed bodies to function best when we match regions with our partners: mouths to mouths for kissing, privates to privates for sex. When we start mixing things up by combining mouths with privates, we start introducing pathogens from one area into another area that isn’t set up to deal with that kind of critter, and the result can be some pretty distressing health problems. If you want to avoid a lot of problems, keep your regions matched. Mouth to mouth, privates to privates, butts to butts. Don’t mix mouths and privates or privates and butts or butts and mouths. I realize some of you feel a strong need to do these kinds of mismatches for psychological reasons. But if you aren’t already obsessed with the idea of mixing regions, then do yourself a favor and avoid experimenting in that way.

I Feel Like He’s Ramming Me!

Unlike men, who can easily see their privates, women’s parts are completely hidden from view. You’re not going to see anything without the aid of a mirror, and that seems seriously awkward to many of us. However, a big part of getting comfortable with sex is understanding your own set up. For that, it’s well worth reading an article or two on how the female reproductive system is set up just so you understand what’s happening when a man inserts his penis inside of you. And yes, the mirror should come out at some point.

Now a very helpful thing to understand is that every woman’s set up is a wee bit different. That amazing muscular tunnel that is your vagina varies in length from woman to woman. Men’s penises also vary in length. In some cases, a man’s penis is long enough to bump up against your cervix during intercourse. Your cervix is another mighty muscle which is like a round doorway at the end of your vagina. Like your vagina, your cervix can clamp shut or stretch wide open. Your cervix is the gate between your vagina and uterus. Normally it stands open, which is what allows blood from your uterus to flow down through your vagina during your period. Your period (aka menstruation) occurs when your uterus breaks down an egg nest that it prepared for a baby, just in case. After a short period of time, when the waiting egg remains unfertilized, your uterus “cleans house” by breaking down the nest it built and flushing it all out. If instead you do get pregnant, then your cervix gate clamps closed super tight and remains closed for nine months, despite being pressed down on 24/7 by an ever growing baby and a whole bunch of heavy liquid. Wow! What an amazing design.

Now the cervix is an amazing bit of anatomy, but it’s also very sensitive to touch and it does not like being bumped at all. Should the end of a penis give your cervix a firm bump, you can easily feel an uncomfortable jolt of pain, which is your cervix saying, “Hey, back off!” The solution here is for your partner to go less deep into you. Often shifting about your positions a bit can help prevent him from going too deep. Another solution is for you to move on top so you can better control the angle and depth. Communication is the key here. Don’t just grit your teeth and stay silent. Tell him that you need him to go less deep. Sex is a something a man does with you, not something he does to you.

So then, understanding your own anatomy helps you understand the problem. A general burning sensation often means you’re too dry, so bring on the lube. A sudden jolt of pain when he’s coming down probably means he’s hitting your cervix, so help him work out a way to go less deep. A lot of surface pain when he’s trying to enter you probably means your vagina is too tightly constricted for him to get into, so he’s bouncing around a lot on its doorway. Adding a dash more lube and taking more time to get you in the right mood will be helpful here.

Using Fingering To Open The Vagina

I mentioned earlier that slowing the pace is often important when you’re trying to coax a tense body into having intercourse. If your vagina is acting very guarded by remaining rather tight, one thing to try is to help it adjust to the idea of being inserted into by having either you or your partner run your finger around the edge of it’s opening. Like your cervix, your vagina has a rather round doorway which can clamp shut or expand open. The sensation of a finger gently running around the rim of that muscular valve can help your vagina relax and begin to contract. Once it starts to relax, you can move your fingers a little deeper in and continue that gentle swirling motion. Remember to be gentle. Your body doesn’t appreciate force.

The swirling fingers trick can be very helpful in getting your vagina to open surprisingly wide, which in turn will make it far more comfortable for everyone when your partner tries to insert his penis into you. Now you’ll soon discover that you can’t just go straight in with your fingers. Instead, your vaginal tunnel has a significant angle to it. You’ll also probably feel a thin yet very strong membrane getting in your way when you’re trying to put your fingers in. So what is that thing? That’s the dreaded hymen.

Taking the Fear Out of the Hymen

Women are fed a lot of horror stories about some bizarre thing called the hymen getting torn apart by the violence of intercourse and then bleeding and hurting quite a bit. Let’s just flush that whole horror story and start fresh.

Instead of viewing your hymen like some evil addition to your anatomy that’s just waiting to punish you when you lose your virginity, see it like a helpful little barrier that exists to give your vaginal tunnel a bit more shielding. Because we’re not all clones, hymens come in different styles and not all women have them.

Contrary to what you might have heard, the hymen doesn’t really rip apart painfully during sex, nor are you destined to bleed. Yes, the hymen is rather thin, and therefore not nearly as tough as your vaginal walls, and yes it could bleed a bit if it was rudely chaffed. But if you’re properly lubricated, you’re not going to chaff. And if you take the time to relax your vagina so it’s nice and open, you’re not going have troubles with your hymen. You see, the hymen is quite a stretchy little thing, and it will gently stretch out to accommodate your partner’s penis. If you’re nice and lubricated and your partner is gentle about easing his penis into you, you aren’t going to have any rude surprises. You might feel a wee bit of chafing as your hymen realizes it is feeling a bit crowded and needs to stretch back a bit to accommodate this new visitor. But your hymen is a quick learner, and once it has a bit of practice, it will be quick to move out of the way when needed.

If you’re a virgin and you have trouble inserting tampons because they seem to bump into a sensitive wall of nerves unless you get the angle just right, you’re probably bumping into your hymen, which is just doing its job by standing guard over the entrance to your vagina. One of the handy side effects of getting that puppy stretched out a bit is tampons become a lot easier to get in and out. The important lesson to learn here is this: don’t listen to people who try to make you afraid of sex. The theory that “true virgins will bleed the first time they have sex” is utter rubbish. Women who are bleeding from chafing need to get smart and add lube, not boast about their sexual purity.

Setting Realistic Expectations

God designed sex to work, and that’s an important principle to bear in mind when you’re dealing with first time jitters. Also realize that communication is key. A man can’t read your mind or feel what you feel inside your body. If you want to have a positive experience, you need to communicate with your partner. Sex is a group activity, with two partners working together to sort out what everyone feels comfortable with. Every human is different in what they like and don’t like, so don’t think that sleeping with one man gives you an accurate picture of what sex with any man will be like. Men approach sex in a variety of ways, just as women do. Remember that you get to have different preferences than your girlfriends. Maybe all the gals you know say they just love such-and-such in the bedroom, but to you that whole idea sounds repulsive. Don’t force yourself to do things that you’re not comfortable doing. Remember that sex is a very loaded issue for your subconscious, and forcing yourself to give or receive kinds of sexual stimulation that you don’t like is only going to put your mind on the defensive and leave you with a bad feeling.

It’s helpful to remember that sex gets much easier as you keep practicing with the same partner. In the beginning, it’s guaranteed that you’re both going to be bumbling around quite a bit. The way sex is portrayed in the movies is utterly absurd. In real life, men don’t hoist you halfway up a wall and hold you there while having intercourse. No matter how much you diet, you’re not some flea weight, you weigh a ton, and he’s not Superman. In real life, people don’t make out on the tops of kitchen tables or roll around on freezing tiles without their bones grinding painfully. In real life, orgasms don’t drag on for five minutes, and they hardly ever occur simultaneously. In real life, two people who have never had sex with each other don’t leap on each other, instantly find the perfect angle, and go for it. In real life, couples don’t fall out of bed and slam onto the floor without breaking their intercourse rhythm. In real life, many women feel no desire to scream, moan, or make other dramatic exclamations during sex. In real life, it takes a lot of time and fussing to find the condom, open the packet, put the thing on right, get the lube, not spill it all over the bed, arrange the blankets so no one’s freezing, and get everyone into a comfortable position. What you never see in the movies is hair getting caught in fingers, condoms tearing, lube spilling, and the doorbell ringing as soon as everyone gets naked. Real life is always more messy and complicated than humans make it out to be when they film their hokey romance scenes. But real life is real, and that’s something movies can never compete with.

Stimulation Points

When you’re trying to get more comfortable with sex or understand your own anatomy, it’s very helpful to have a general understanding of where your erogenous zones are. That’s a fancy term for areas on your body that cause you to feel sexually aroused. Both males and females have these zones, with some being stronger than others. The male penis, for example, is the main erogenous zone on guys, which means they naturally want to stimulate the penis in order to experience an orgasm. For ladies, our major “hot spot” is the clitoris. But the clitoris is a customer that needs special handling, so let’s talk a bit more about it.

Our first challenge is that, unlike men, we can’t just look down and see our main arousal organ. The clitoris is often described like a small ball or pearl of tissue that is located close to the teensy opening where you urinate. Well, great, but how do you find the thing? Starting at your navel, lightly trace a straight line down and slip the tip of your finger between those two soft pillows of skin that keep your delicate lady parts well protected. The clitoris is going to be the first thing you come to. It’s small, but extremely sensitive to touch. With a slight bit of pressure or gentle rubbing, you’ll find it. If you reach your vagina, you’ve passed it, so try again and make sure your finger is going between those two padded pillows.

Now when females are depicted as masturbating in the movies, they are often rubbing something (such as their own hand or the edge of a pillow) back and forth across their crotch. Remember that the movies are not a trustworthy source of information about sex.

Your clitoris is extremely sensitive to touch–so much so that overstimulating it can become very uncomfortable very quick. There’s a fine line between feeling pain and feeling good when directly rubbing the clitoris, which is why it’s usually far better to not stimulate it head on. Earlier I talked about the issue of dryness and how important it is to be well lubricated to avoid discomfort from the friction of being rubbed in your sensitive parts. This is true anytime you are engaging with that part of your body. Just using your hand to try to gently stimulate your sex organs might start off nice, but it will quickly become painful due to not enough moisture. Those two protective pillows–known as labia–are great at keeping things moist, but if you spread them apart and expose that region to air, you’ll find that things turn dry very quickly.

Now when there are no sperm around so you don’t have to worry about pregnancy, coconut oil makes a fantastic lubricant for genital areas. It’s natural, it’s thick, and it even has some convenient antiseptic properties. So if you’re having trouble with masturbating due to things feeling more painful than pleasant, eliminate dryness as an issue by adding some coconut oil onto the scene.

The very small nub of nerves we’ve been talking about is actually just the tip of a much larger erotic system which is surprisingly similar in design to the male penis, only our “penis” is hidden beneath the surface, which makes stimulating it a bit trickier. I don’t usually add links to other websites, but this article contains a fantastic description of how female anatomy is set up and you really should read through it once if you want to understand your body better: The Woman’s Erotic Zone.

As that article explains, simply having vaginal sex simply isn’t very arousing for many women due the fact that our main main arousal organ doesn’t get much stimulation from a penis rubbing in and out. That said, sex is a two way street, meaning that both partners should want to please each other. When it comes to giving a man’s penis pleasurable stimulation, the female vagina has the perfect design. Because enforcing the relational bond is a very important part of sex for women, it is a major advantage to have bodies that are so well-equipped to pleasure our men in such intimate ways. Don’t make the mistake of valuing sex only for how good it makes you feel. Healthy sex is a two way street, and helping your partner feel good is just as rewarding (and often even more rewarding) than having your own arousal experience. It’s rather like cooking a good meal for your friend. You can feed yourself anytime, but there’s something special about seeing your friend really get pleasure out of something you made for them. The hidden design of the female erotic organ often results in women having an easier time coming if they masturbate rather than trying to get their partners to understand how to navigate around their extremely sensitive parts. Does this mean that your guy can’t become skilled at arousing you? Of course not, but it does mean that you’ll probably need to be patient and give him a lot of coaching.

What’s With All the Vibrators?

By now you might have heard a lot of women talking about using vibrators to sexually stimulate themselves. What’s that about? If you go on Amazon, you’ll discover there are a lot of “sex toys” out there–many of which are designed to do very unpleasant things. (I caution you against just Googling “sex toys” or you could end up on being exposed to some very disturbing imagery.)

Sex toys fall into two categories: nice devices that are designed to help enhance physical pleasure, and nasty devices that are instruments of torture. Unfortunately, a lot of the “nice” toys can also be used to torture, so the user’s personal motivations and mentality play a huge role here.

Now because our arousal organ is hidden in our anatomy, using vibrators–which are devices which physically vibrate, often in a range of different patterns and intensities–can actually be very pleasant and far more effective at stimulating us than surface touch. The key here is to be gentle, which means losing lower vibration settings, not the kind that rattle your teeth.

For many ladies, using a vibrator near or next to the clitoris feels very nice, but using a vibrator directly on the clitoris is painful. Vibrators come in a variety of shapes and sizes. Small ones are designed to work with the clitoris, whereas larger ones (which are often shaped like male penises) are designed to insert into the vagina and provide vibration through the vaginal walls. Because every woman is unique, there are different preferences regarding what feels good. The only way to figure out what your own preferences are is to try different things. And if you do, remember to use some lubricant.

Now if you go to buy yourself a vibrator online, you’ll likely be shocked by the comments that reviewers make. Many women claim to be giving themselves “amazing” orgasms multiple times a day. Others claim to “love” using vibration settings that are so strong that they cause intense pain, not pleasure. When you’re trying to make sense out of some of the wild claims other women make, there are two facts to bear in mind. The first is that there is great pressure on both genders to grossly exaggerate how fantastic their sex lives are, and this means that a lot of the claims people make are just a bunch of made up guff. The second thing to bear in mind is that sexual preferences are controlled by the subconscious. There are many kinds of psychological trauma which result in the subconscious rewiring a woman’s sex drive so that she both wants and needs to experience physical pain in order to sexually climax. A lot of women (and men) with this kind of mentality will actively seek out torture devices to use on themselves. Vibrators can easily be used to inflict intense agony on female privates if that is your goal. As heartbreaking as it is to realize how much of this is going on, it does help you make sense out of the very disturbing user reviews that are commonly associated with sex toy products. The key takeaway here is that you shouldn’t rely on the comments of other product users to help you understand what “normal” arousal looks like. Instead of comparing yourself to other women, or trying to do what they do, remember that sex is an extremely personal thing. What feels good to your body? What doesn’t feel good?


While masturbation (self-arousal) is condemned in many religious communities, there is nothing immoral about stimulating your own neural system. If you have a knot in your shoulder, you massage it. If your knee itches, you scratch it. When you are feeling a need for sexual release, you masturbate. In each of these cases, you are physically interacting with your body to reduce stress. There’s nothing wrong with this. The theory that it’s fine to touch your foot but it’s super shameful to touch your privates is utterly ridiculous. God designed your entire body and He doesn’t have a problem with you touching any of its regions. Certainly God is going to steer you away from self-abuse, but He also understands that in many cases, self-abuse has become a very strong addiction which can’t be instantly overcome. God meets us where we are at, and He gives us guidance that is actually helpful in our current situations. He doesn’t just stand at a distance with a scowl on His face and say, “Stop acting like such a pervert.” By the time your mind is pushing you to act sexually perverse, it is grappling with some strong fears which you’re not going to overcome by being scolded, and God understands this.

Far from being some kind of crime, the fact that God designed humans with the ability to masturbate is a huge advantage that often provides critical help to both men and women who are feeling sexually frustrated. Because the subconscious controls the sex drive, it is very easy for you and your partner to develop very different degrees of interest in sex. When you feel desperate for sex, but your partner just can’t get in the mood, masturbation gives you a way to gain some biological and psychological relief. In many cases of sexual trauma, masturbation is often a vital tool in helping stressed out minds take a break from constantly thinking about sex. As I explained earlier, there are biological and psychological reasons why experiencing sexual release is important for women. How often your own system pushes you to climax will depend on what kinds of stresses your mind and body are currently dealing with.


Before this post turns into a book, I’m going to wrap things up. Remember that you can always send in a question if you’d like more detail on some aspect of this massive subject. In closing, the main principles I want you to learn from this post are that your mind controls your sex drive, and that every human has their own set of sexual preferences. As your mind’s stresses and beliefs change, your sexual preferences can change as well. Sex is a complex and important issue for humans, and a desire for sex should be respected as a legitimate need, not shunned as mere “lust.” Males and females have very different views of sex, and different anatomical set ups, so communication is vital if two partners are going to better understand each other’s desires. Since you can’t teach your partner what you want until you understand yourself, exploring your own body in positive, respectful ways is very helpful.

This post was written in response to Laura.

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