I’m Not A Lesbian, So Why Am I Watching Lesbian Pornography?

I feel sexual desires for women since I was very young, but they are only sexual, I never got involved and I did not feel passion for a woman until today, but I have been consuming lesbian pornography for many years. It is strange to say this because most people think that I should only assume that I am lesbian, but I don’t want to, I was born free of prejudice and I even questioned myself, but I have no prejudice, I’ve tried to assume that I’m lesbian, but I’m not lesbian, so what am I? Why do I feel excitement for women? I’m tired of trying to resolve this error inside of me, I feel that something is wrong, a key that is on the opposite side, but I can’t access it and fix it. Do you have any tips? P.S.: I tried to use your book on how to recover from pedophilia in order to solve the problem, but for some reason I couldn’t.

Great job listening to your instincts on this issue instead of letting other people pressure you into mislabeling yourself. You are absolutely correct that your sexual attraction/obsession with other women is not an indication that you were simply born a lesbian. No one is born gay. As is the case with transsexualism, pedophilia, and bisexuality, homosexuality is caused by the subconscious part of your mind intentionally overriding your natural heterosexual sex drive. The subconscious does this in an attempt to solve a problem which it feels very stressed by.

Now because people are used to thinking of sex as a body thing, when it is primarily a mind thing, people honestly don’t understand the power that the mind has over your sexual interests. A lack of understanding leads many straights to view homosexuality in the same way that they view alcoholism: as if both are caused by voluntary choices which people can simply learn to stop making if they just apply themselves. Of course in real life, this is not true at all. Drug addictions are another common stress fighting tool that stressed out minds use, and whenever your subconscious is highly agitated about something, you’re not going to get it to calm down just by giving yourself a bunch of moral lectures. To properly treat drug and porn addictions, you must first recognize what is really fueling them: your mind, not some biological flaw or case of spiritual rebellion. You must then put effort into respecting the fact that your mind is grappling with some major stresses. Even though you might not like how your mind is trying to solve its problems, its crisis is still legitimate and deserves sympathy and compassion, not insults and criticism.

Now from what you’ve shared, there is no doubt that you are dealing with trauma driven homosexuality. It sounds like you became very aware of your sex drive long before the teen years. Normally, your sex drive does not become fully activated until you go through the biological process of puberty, which typically occurs in the early teens. But remember: your mind controls your sex drive, and has the power to drastically override its normal functions. When young children start becoming focused on sex and sexual attractions, that always indicates that their minds have become highly stressed by something. Whatever that problem is, the mind has linked it to the concept of sex, and is now turning on the sex drive prematurely.

It’s important to realize that your mind can make this kind of association and begin obsessing over the concept of sex without anyone sexually assaulting you as a child. Certainly if someone does sexually violate you, it’s very likely your mind will partly respond by obsessing over the concept of sex. Many young victims of sexual assault become obsessed with masturbation as a result of their minds trying to make sense out of upsetting ways that their private parts were physically interacted with by others. Others become obsessed with trying to have sexual interactions with their child peers or adults. But in young children, a strong interest or obsession with sex is always an indication of severe mental distress which needs to be addressed.

It’s important to realize that any kind of interaction with your private parts can trigger this kind of mental obsession, including appropriate medical procedures or appropriate physical exams. As a general rule, your mind doesn’t want anyone else handling the private zone of your body. It is extra guarded over that region of your anatomy, and that includes the front privates and the back of the pelvic region (your bum). For females, the entire pelvic region and the chest (the breasts) are highly guarded zones. This means that any kind of interaction with those areas which your mind interprets as scary, intrusive, painful, sexual, or in any way inappropriate can trigger extreme mental distress. If not addressed quickly, the mind will often begin to obsess over what happened, and those obsessions will often be both sexual and disturbing in nature.

When you are a child, you don’t understand what sex is or what the purpose of sexual interactions are. Your mind forms theories about these things by observing how others behave around you and by analyzing ways that people directly interact with your body. Here is where things can get very complicated, because in many cases of homosexuality, what causes the mind to start obsessing over sexual interactions with partners of your same gender is not any kind of direct assault or upsetting physical interaction. Instead, many cases of homosexuality are triggered by social tensions in the home which result in a child forming strong mental links between gender and either staying out of danger or getting their core needs met. To put it simply, homosexuality is not as straightforward as pedophilia, and pedophilia is already complicated. So when trying to sort out the true cause of your own homosexuality, it’s very important to listen to the clues your mind is already giving you, even if you are surprised by the insights it shares.

The Mind’s Strategy

In pedophilia, the mind is obsessing over age as a key factor in it’s original traumatic experience. In homosexuality, the focus is on gender. The key question you need to ask now is: what important concepts has my mind linked to gender?

Now before we can really dig into this issue, we need to first ask another important question. Is your mind trying to pursue females or is it trying to drive you away from males? Both strategies can result in the same surface behavior of you obsessing over female sex partners. But while the surface behaviors can look similar, these are two very different mental strategies and it’s important that we diagnose you correctly.

One way to sort this out is to focus on the idea of you having sex with a male partner, then pay attention to your emotional response. When lesbians become lesbians due to a deep psychological fear of males, those women will feel a strong sense of repulsion at the idea of being intimate with male partners. There’s a difference between being repulsed by sleeping with men, and simply not feeling aroused by them. So what is going on in your mind?

Identifying A Fear of Men

If your mind is trying to protect you from males by pushing you towards female targets, then I would expect to see the following symptoms:

  • The idea of a man handling your body in sexual ways would trigger a strong, negative emotional response in you, either disgust or fear or both.
  • If you were to talk about the process of a man having sex, you would tend to use negative, derogatory terms.
  • In picturing a man having sex with you, you would probably assume his motivations towards you are negative. You would also likely focus on certain aspects of his anatomy (such as his penis), and view that part of his body in a very negative way.
  • You would likely view having sex with other women as being more safe and physically pleasing than having sex with men.
  • In your daily life, you would prefer the company of other women over other men, and would find it much easier to trust women.
  • The main themes in the lesbian porn you are watching would emphasize how much pleasure the women are causing each other to feel. There would not be themes of women being abusive towards each other, but there could be themes of females abusing males and enjoying causing males to suffer.

When your subconscious triggers homosexuality to protect you from harm, you will have a deep core fear of the opposite gender which will be affecting all areas of your life, not just your sexual fantasies. In your case, this kind of homosexuality would be triggered by you having very negative experiences as a young child with males who you viewed as very powerful. We know that something very stressful happened to you when you were very young, because that is when your mind first started using this defense strategy. Whenever you’re trying to identify root causes, first identify what age you were when you first noticed the negative symptom, then look for negative/upsetting experiences that happened to you around that time of your life. Remember that homosexuality is a reaction to something, so the something came first, and that’s what you want to identify.

Identifying a Fear of Being Female

Another version of homosexuality is caused by your mind deciding that your own gender (female) has been proven to attract trouble towards you. For example, if you grew up with a bunch of brothers who you felt your parents favored, then it would be easy to decide that being female is bad when your family members keep denying you things that you really want or forcing you to do things you don’t want to do just “because you’re a girl.” This kind of homosexuality can also be triggered by a single, highly upsetting event which your mind decides only happened to you because you were female. For example, suppose you had to have some kind of medical procedure on your vagina as a child due to some physical problem. Males don’t have vaginas, therefore they would never be chosen to endure that kind of procedure. In this kind of situation, your mind can easily decide that being female is a terrifying thing, because it sets you up to have horrible things happen to you.

In the examples I just gave, you can see how your mind can easily decide that “female is bad” by either having an upsetting physical experience, or an upsetting social/emotional experience. There are countless examples of situations that cause this kind of homosexuality, and in some cases, minds feel so desperate to get you to feel less female that they push you into transsexualism.

Transsexualism is also a very complicated, trauma driven condition in which the mind is not only focused on gender, but also on gender related anatomy, such as the breasts and privates. Many homosexuals are also dealing with a mild form of transsexualism, only they don’t label themselves that way because they aren’t trying to medically alter their anatomy. But in versions of homosexuality where the focus is on discomfort with your own gender, homosexuals will try to behaviorally imitate the opposite sex. The “butch” partner in a lesbian couple is a woman who is trying to act masculine, often through mannerisms and clothing. She’s usually doing this because she’s internally very uncomfortable being female, due to associating her own gender with some very upsetting concepts. But again, these are complex cases, and there is no “one size fits all” diagnosis when it comes to homosexuals. The key thing I want you to understand is that there are several significantly different mental strategies that can result in the same surface behaviors. If you don’t feel like that first possibility of having a fear of males was a fit for you, what about this second possibility?

If you are dealing with this second form of homosexuality, I’d expect the following symptoms:

  • You would probably have a strong belief that females are the inferior gender, often targeted for abuse and suffering.
  • You would probably feel jealous of males, since you believe they generally have a much easier time in life.
  • You would find yourself attracted to clothing styles and activities that your culture strongly associates with males, and you would try to downplay your female qualities in public. For example, you’d avoid shirts and bras that emphasize your breasts, choosing instead to wear more modest clothes that do not show off your natural curves. You might have a very negative view of women’s fashions (long hair, high heels, makeup), seeing them just as painful hassles that women get “stuck with.”
  • In sexual interactions, you would try to imitate male attitudes and want to be the one who leads instead of the partner who follows. You’d probably feel more comfortable on top of your partner than underneath her during in a sexual encounter.
  • When standing naked in front of a mirror, you would feel stressed by the sight of your female anatomy (breasts, privates), and secretly wish they were less pronounced.
  • In social settings, you would secretly long to be included by men and treated like “one of the guys”, and/or you would be constantly looking for evidence that men are treating you as their inferiors.
  • In socializing with other women, you would probably feel disgusted by women who act “weak” and submissive. Your ideal lesbian partner would likely be either a very confident woman who views men negatively, or a submissive woman who looks to you for leadership and protection (in other words, she treats you like you’re the guy in the relationship).

Trying to Resolve a Conflict With A Powerful Female

There is another very common cause of homosexuality that we need to consider. Given how young you were when your homosexuality kicked in, for this third scenario to be a fit for you, there would need to be a powerful female figure in your life as a child who you had a very stressful relationship with. Usually in these cases, the powerful female is someone who is withholding a critical need, such as emotional affirmation or non-sexual physical affection. Your primary female guardian would be a good candidate here. If you had a mother who you felt you could never succeed with, or one that withheld physical affection from you (hugs, motherly kisses, etc.), you can develop an acute sense of emotional starvation which then results in your mind becoming obsessed with trying to hunt down that missing resource. A lot of homosexuality is triggered by child-parent strife, with parents either being aloof, absent, scary, overly critical, or even smothering. But since the child-parent relationship is not sexual, the idea of sexual touch needs to be introduced to your mind in order for childhood homosexual fantasies to occur.

Sexual interactions are the most intimate form of engagement that adults can have with each other. Because of this, minds that carry childhood frustrations into adulthood will often seek out sexual solutions to problems which aren’t really sexual in nature. For example, a girl who felt that she never got enough fatherly attention can start trying to satisfy her need for affirming male touch by sleeping with any man she can find as an adult. What she’s really trying to fix is the fact that her father never gave her enough physical contact as a child. To a child, her relationships with her parents are the most intimate relationships in her life, even though they are not sexual. When that child grows up, her mind is still frustrated with intimate relationship problems. For children, that intimate relationship is parental. For adults, their most intimate relationship is sexual. So the mind simply adjusts its focus to fit the adult way of thinking.

In sorting out parental problems through sexual interactions, the mind’s focus is on emotional intensity not on sexuality. For a woman, a man’s physical caresses during sex feel like the most intense form of male physical affection available in her adult world. When she was a child, fatherly touch was the most intense form of male touch. Her mind is focused on the fact that the fatherly touch she is craving comes from a male and feels emotionally intense. Since the mind is focused on those two factors, it doesn’t care about the sex angle. It simply seeks out male attention in a sexual setting because it understands that is where the most intense experiences can be found.

A lot of people get confused by the way the mind will seek out sexual solutions for non-sexual problems. Think of it like a hunter following his prey into an entirely different kind of hunting ground. In such a case, the hunter doesn’t care that his environment has changed; he just wants to capture his prey, and he’ll follow that prey to any environment. From the perspective of your mind, a similar kind of shift occurs as you grow up. In your child world, certain people might withhold things from you that you desperately need. When you try to find those same resources in your adult world, you sometimes find that they only show up in sexual settings. Fine. Because your need is so great, you adjust your behavior to adapt to the new setting. If you feel desperate for males to touch your body, for example, and you discover that in the adult world, the kind of touch you’re looking for only happens during sexual encounters, then you start seeking out those sexual encounters. Many sex addicts are using this kind of strategy: they aren’t really interested in the sex, but they are craving something that comes with the sex–usually physical affection, focused attention, or emotional affirmation. Once your mind decides that sexual interactions are the best “hunting ground,” it can become obsessed with getting you into bed with any partner you can find.

In this third version of homosexuality, your mind has decided that females have certain resources which you desperately need. You don’t become desperate for something until you can’t find it. As a child, the issue is usually that the people in power are withholding that resource from you. Again, your primary guardians are often where the trouble starts in this form of homosexuality. But it’s also quite possible for you to have a single encounter with some other powerful figure who is not your parent. The key is that whoever that person is, they would have shown up in your life before you first noticed yourself having homosexual desires. Your interactions with that person would have also caused you a lot of stress.

In this third form of homosexuality, you are actually trying to resolve your stress with a powerful female from your past by seeking out female partners today that remind you of her. Often there is one real life female causing most of your stress, but it’s also possible to have multiple original females. If you had multiple female guardians (perhaps a mother, an aunt, and a grandmother), then it’s worth looking at how you felt in your relationships with them all.

Because this form of homosexuality is about trying to understand and fix what went wrong with a powerful female from your past, the lesbian partners that your mind fantasizes about will have certain traits in common with the real life women who upset you so much. If you are dealing with this third form of homosexuality, I’d expect to see the following symptoms:

  • When you fantasize about being sexual with other women, those fantasies have some strong negative elements. You probably find yourself struggling to get into a good dynamic with your partner. Your partner is likely being alpha over you: very dominant and hard to please. There could be themes of abuse, with one partner being physically rough and/or verbally cruel to the other.
  • In real life, there will be at least one powerful female from your childhood who you felt very stressed by. It’s also possible that you had no female guardian, or one that left abruptly when you were young, leaving you with a strong craving for a mother figure in your life.
  • When your mind invents its own lesbian sexual fantasies, it invents partners that have key traits in common with powerful females from your childhood: either certain physical qualities, attitudes or mannerisms. Those traits of the fictional characters will match what you consider to be very significant qualities of the real life females.
  • As a young child, you might have observed your powerful female antagonists acting physically/verbally affectionate towards others and those interactions made you feel intensely jealous and frustrated because they weren’t aimed at you.

Trying to Understand Assault

In this fourth version of homosexuality, you were physically assaulted as a child and your mind is trying to make sense out of that terrifying experience. If you’re dealing with this kind of issue, than your early childhood fantasies would focus on an intimidating female figure physically interacting with your body, or being present while someone else interacts with you. The interactions might feel sensually pleasant, but they would cause strong emotional distress. So these would not just be happy, erotic fantasies. These would primarily be upsetting, stressful fantasies with erotic themes.

Assault based homosexuality often results in severe abuse happening between two adult partners, either physical, emotional, or both. The ways in which the partners give and receive abuse is an attempt to reenact real life traumatic experiences from their pasts. Because everyone agrees to do these things, the abuse is labeled as harmless “sexual play”. But it’s not harmless, and it’s not play. It’s abuse, and all abuse is harmful.

Key markers of this form of homosexuality are as follows:

  • Attraction to partners who will treat you abusively.
  • Attraction to porn videos that focus on dark themes of stress, fear, and pain.
  • An inability to sexually climax until you focus on negative themes and feel strong emotional distress.
  • A history of real life experiences in which you felt physically assaulted in some way, and today those memories still trigger a lot of emotional upset.

An Overview

As I said, homosexuality is a very complex issue with many possible triggers. There are variations within the four main categories I just described, but getting into all of those would make this a book instead of a post. So for now, focus on the goal of trying to figure out which of these four core motivations your own mind is focused on:

  • Trying to avoid dangerous males.
  • Trying to manage your intense distress of being female.
  • Trying to resolve your stressful relationship with a powerful female from your childhood who may or may not still be in your life today.
  • Trying to resolve your distress over being physically assaulted in some way as a young child.

Your Current Target

Now you mentioned that you never felt passion for a specific woman until now. In cases where sexual interactions become associated with danger, the subconscious will sometimes suppress the sex drive. In these cases, you can find yourself addicted to fantasizing about sex (which is where watching porn would come in), but at the same time be repulsed by the idea of having sex with a real woman. Both the mental obsession and the avoidance of real sexual encounters are caused by the same fear.

Now some of you who are reading this might be thinking, “I know that I was abused as a kid, yet today I can’t stop having sex with other people. If my mind is afraid of sex, why would it push me into having it all the time?” Ironically, an obsession with having sex can also be fear driven. Minds tend to divide on this issue, choosing one of two very opposite strategies. Minds with aggressive temperaments generally try to resolve fear by seeking out and engaging with that fear. In other words, they push you towards the thing that terrifies you as a way of trying to neutralize the fear. Meanwhile, minds with passive temperaments generally try to avoid the things that threaten them. In real life, a lot of women who view their ability to remain celibate as a sign of strong moral character are actually able to remain virgins for so long because they are inwardly terrified of having sex. At the same time, a lot of women who find it impossible to remain faithful to one man because they feel an insatiable need to sleep with any guy who comes along are also trying to resolve a deep fear of intimate interactions. In the world of psychological trauma, the same core fears can result in drastically different behaviors.

Now let’s back to your question. Why have you lasted this long without a real woman strongly attracting you? Your mind using suppression is just one possibility. Another is that your mind is on the hunt for a very specific kind of woman, who you simply haven’t crossed paths with until now.

Sexual partners always feel symbolic to human minds, and who our minds push us towards depends on what specific agendas they are trying to work on. Simply put, your mind has its own list of traits that it wants your sexual partners to have. Those traits can be positive, negative, or a combination of both. Your mind assigns each trait a degree of importance. Some traits it is willing to go without or to be very flexible with. It’s rather like when you go shopping for food. Sometimes you just look for the cheapest option, and you don’t care what brand it is. Other times you are only willing to get a specific brand, and if they don’t have exactly what you want, you aren’t willing to compromise.

We can tell that your mind is feeling highly stressed due to the fact that it brought up the subject of sex so early, and its longstanding obsession with watching porn. Highly stressed minds often have several key traits that they are not willing to compromise on when shopping for sexual partners. If a woman comes into your life who seems to have several of your mind’s most wanted qualities, the thrill of finding such a perfect match could easily cause your subconscious to change its directive with your body and start pushing you to seek out a real sexual relationship with that woman.

Your behavior indicates your mind has a passive temperament, which means you are more likely to try to manage your stress privately than engage in activities that you feel uncomfortable with. But if passives become too stressed, their minds start feeling desperate, and they can suddenly start acting more aggressive. Your sudden interest in a real life woman could be an indication of this kind of desperation kicking in.

So as far as this sudden attraction goes, there are two possibilities to consider. Either this woman feels like a unique package of traits that you’ve been wanting to interact with for a long time, or she’s just available at a time when your mind is feeling so desperate that it wants to try a more aggressive form of stress relief.

Porn

The kind of stress that results from psychological trauma does not go away on its own. Instead, it grows worse over time until it is directly addressed. Whenever they are stressed, minds automatically seek out stress management tools. When they find ones that they like, they can latch onto them and become obsessed. In your case, we see that watching porn is a tool that your mind feels is helpful, and this is why you feel so hooked on it and have been watching it for so long. Different minds choose different tools, so another mind that is dealing with the same kinds of stress that yours is might not choose porn at all.

The advantage of having your mind fixate on porn is that porn is actually a very helpful diagnostic tool. We can get a general idea of what your internal stress levels have been doing over the last several years by analyzing your porn watching behavior. For example, when your stress levels rise, you will find yourself wanting to watch porn more often.

Imagine yourself sitting in a leaky boat with a bucket that you use to scoop up the water with. The faster the water comes into the boat, the faster you have to scoop with the bucket. In the same way, as your overall stress levels rise in life, your mind has to step up its efforts to vent some of that stress out of your system. One of the ways it will do this is to push you to watch more porn. If you now think back over your porn watching behavior and look for periods in which you watched porn more often, try to see if you can identify things that were happening in your life at those times which caused you to feel more stressed than usual.

Sudden spikes in porn watching behavior indicate sudden spikes in your overall stress level. But a steady increase in how often you turn to porn indicates that your internal stress levels are also steadily rising. This second situation warrants more urgent attention, especially if that is the pattern you see in combination with suddenly finding yourself feeling attracted to a real woman. Those two symptoms combined would indicate that your mind is starting to feel desperate for relief, and is willing to start experimenting with new stress management tools. The concern here is that stressed minds will often experiment with negative coping methods that can cause you a lot of harm and misery. To keep yourself out of an abusive situation and to prevent you from becoming obsessed with some new, harmful coping method, you would need to step up your efforts to identify and directly deal with your mind’s top stresses.

While frequency is an important factor in any porn addiction, the content of the porn you watch is even more informative. The key to getting good insights here is identifying which kinds of porn give you the strongest emotional interaction and/or the strongest sense of sexual arousal. There are many variations of porn, and your mind will naturally gravitate towards the ones that it feels are the most satisfying. Your “ideal” porn videos will be ones that most closely match the fantasies your own mind produces when you’re not watching anything. So what are those themes for you?

My book Recovering from Pedophilia is focused on pedophiles, yet it has a ton of information about how the mind works that is also relevant for you. It also walks you through many self-diagnostic exercises which would be of great value for you in trying to determine what the root cause of your homosexuality is. Since you’re not dealing with pedophilia, instead of reading the book from the beginning, I recommend that you get it (the ebook if possible, since that’s cheaper) and do the following:

  • Go to the end of Session 2, and do the Assignment 2-A: Application.
  • In the same chapter, do Assignment 2-B: Negative Highlight. Ignore references to other assignments. In these sections, when I mention pedophilia, mentally substitute the term homosexuality. When I mention kids, mentally substitute the word women. The principles I discuss in these sections apply to your situation as well.
  • Go to Session 3 and do Assignment 3-B: Sexual Fantasy Log. This is a very important step for analyzing porn addictions.
  • Go to Session 4 and do Assignment 4-A: Early Life Traumas. Here you will pinpoint possible real life events that triggered homosexual feelings for you.
  • Do Assignment 4-B: Initial Emotional Themes. This is another key step for understanding your mind’s attraction to porn.
  • Do Assignment 4-C: Current Emotional Themes.
  • Do Assignment 4-D: Common Emotional Themes. In the example in this section, you’ll see how the mind can form sexual fantasies to try to process events that were not sexual in nature (such as the man who was upset by his mother invading his space during a shower).
  • Read through Session 5 and do all of the exercises in it.
  • Go to Session 6 and do Assignment 6-A: Life Themes.
  • Read the first part of Session 7 (up until the section titled Passive vs. Aggressive Temperaments).
  • Still in Session 7, jump ahead to the section titled Molesting to Regain a Sense of Power & Control, and skip to the part where I list out six traumatic beliefs and the steps needed to recover from each of them. Then do Assignment 7-A: Compassionate Summaries.
  • Skip ahead to Session 9 and do Assignments 9-A, 9-B & 9-C.
  • Go to Session 10 and do Assignment 10-A: Decoding Symbols.
  • Skip to Session 12, read it, and do the assignments.

If all goes well and your mind is willing to communicate, these exercises should help you pinpoint what specific stressful beliefs you are trying to resolve by watching porn. They should also help you understand why your mind is fixating on females.

Bisexuality

What people call bisexuality is really just a mild form of homosexuality. With bisexuality, your natural heterosexual drive is still active enough for you to experience sexual attraction to your opposite sex peers. When people identify themselves as homosexuals, they usually mean that they are no longer able to access their normal sex drives, so they do not feel aroused by their opposite sex peers. In all cases, the normal heterosexual drive still exists, it’s just a question of how much effort the mind is putting into trying to suppress it.

As I explained earlier, homosexuality can be caused by several different core motivations. Some of those motivations are more likely to result in bisexuality, while others are likely to result in the normal straight drive being completely submerged so that a person feels entirely gay.

The fact that you are resistant to believing that you are naturally gay is great, and also suggests that you might have a milder form of homosexuality. As long as you are still able to access your original straight drive, and therefore experience sexual attraction to males, it’s easier to suspect that your homosexuality is a symptom of something, not “built in.” But among those with strong cases of homosexuality, it can actually feel very stressful to think their sexual preferences are actually a negative symptom of psychological distress. Instead, many homosexuals feel comforted by the idea that they were just “born gay,” which is why they will pressure you to do the same. It’s always stressful to realize that a quality you thought was natural is actually a sign that something is wrong internally.

Reasonable Goals

The stronger your homosexual drive is, the more threatened your mind feels by allowing your normal sex drive to express itself. Your subconscious is always trying to protect you with its coping methods, so no matter what kinds of tools it comes up with, its core motivations need to be appreciated. Respecting your own mind will always get you further down the road of healing than attacking your mind with a bunch of negative criticism.

Historically, methods to “fix” homosexuals have ranged from being absurdly useless to horrific forms of torture. Given how much abuse has been heaped on gays by straights who had no clue about what actually causes homosexuality, it’s no wonder there remains a lot of tension between these two groups today. Whenever two groups are facing off with each other, there is often a lot of pressure for you to “choose a side.” But to pursue your own path to healing, you don’t want to get caught up in all of the gay vs. straight hype. Instead, you should view both sides as being severely under educated about how the sex drive works. Factor in a lot of pressure from religious communities to view sexual appetites as indications of spiritual priorities (which they are not), and it’s a royal mess that won’t get sorted out anytime soon. In your world, you need to keep doing what you’re doing by focusing on your own instincts more than other people’s theories about you. You also need to be realistic in your expectations of how quickly your mind can be coaxed into revising how your sex drive operates.

Changing who you are sexually aroused by shouldn’t be your first priority when dealing with sexual dysfunction. Developing self-compassion and an accurate understanding of why your mind feels so stressed is far more important. Altering your natural sex drive takes a lot of effort on the part of your mind, and your mind doesn’t spend this many resources without feeling like its necessary to do so. If you go into self-analysis demanding rapid changes from your mind, it will likely become defensive, which will cause your symptoms to grow worse. If instead you take a gentle approach, emphasize compassion for your mind’s problems, and decide that any progress, no matter how small, is worth celebrating, your mind will be far more willing to work with you. Stressed out minds want to heal and feel less stressed, but they don’t respond well to being bullied.

After you work through the exercises in my book, here is a post that can give you further help with adjusting the traumatic beliefs you’ve identified: Practical Steps for Correcting Traumatic Beliefs.

This post was written in response to JLW.

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