I’m a 26 year-old man and I’m attracted to both genders however, in regards to males, I’m mostly only drawn to those that are underaged and I’m mostly only attracted to their feet. The age ranges from about nine to fifteen years with the ideal being around twelve years. In addition to all of this, I’m aroused by body odor – especially feet – and my mind is obsessed with the idea of oral sex. I think that smelling a person’s body and the oral fixation symbolizes intimacy and vulnerability to my subconscious. I guess it’s as if I’m taking the person into myself somehow. I don’t know, really. However, my soul has become increasingly repulsed by sex in general over time. Even though I know – at least on an intellectual level – that God created sex for a good reason, some part of me is threatened by it and also feels as if sex is a lowly and bestial thing. Because of this I thought that it would be preferable to, somehow, become asexual. After doing a little research, God quickly revealed that I thought wrong. I learned that asexuals tend to be victims of trauma. So not only am I unable to make myself asexual, but if I could, I would only be trading one issue for another. I want to have a normal sexuality and to be able to accept the nature of my being – sexuality and all – instead of being disturbed by it. I just don’t think I have what it takes to do that. I don’t remember any specific traumatic events in my life nor do I really understand how I got to this point, but I’m desperate to know what God is doing with me.
It was extremely courageous of you to ask for help with this issue and to share so much detail about your struggle. Details are vital in situations like this, and from the information you provided, it’s clear that you’ve already made some fantastic progress. With a few pointers, I think you’ll be able to make a lot more, so let’s get started.
Assessing the Positives
Let’s start by appreciating what’s going right here, because you really are far ahead of the curve in dealing with this kind of problem. It’s very common in these cases for the soul and subconscious to be locked into an intense war with each other, with the soul constantly shaming the mind for acting like a gross little pervert, and the mind loathing the soul for its lack of compassion. God is usually being kept at arm’s length or entirely shunned, due to the soul feeling so ashamed of what its partner element is up to. But in your case, I see a much healthier situation. Your soul has obviously been putting a lot of effort into being kind to your mind, which is why your mind has been willing to reveal as much as it has about why it feels so distressed. Instead of trying to hide from God, your soul is actively inviting Him to help, and that is fantastic, because God not only understands exactly what this is about, He also has immense compassion for every aspect of this struggle, which makes Him the best Ally you could possibly have in dealing with this.
The fact that your soul was receptive to God cautioning you against the asexual idea is another fantastic indication of how well you are doing. Humans are not designed to be asexual, and they cannot function well in that condition. For males especially, frequent sexual release is an important part of physiological health as it relieves the pressure of sperm build up and let’s those amazing testicles get a refreshing reboot. For both males and females, sex is also designed to have a strong psychological impact, with sexual intimacy being a powerful way of reenforcing the bond between two spouses.
Asexualism in Humans
I want to take a moment to discuss asexualism mechanics just so you have a deeper understanding of why this appealed to you and why God warned you away from it. In humans, there are two versions of this issue. The first kind is driven by the soul, the other is driven by the subconscious. In both cases, the driving element is trying to block sexual activity and desires for fear-based reasons. In the soul version, the common situation is that the soul feels intensely threatened by being forced to participate in sexual activities. The human soul has no sex drive, so if it were operating on its own, going without sex would be a simple thing to do. But because your four elements (body, soul, conscious and subconscious) cannot separate from each other, your soul ends up dragged along whenever its partner elements engage in sexual activities. If your soul forms a belief that its relationship with God will be damaged by those activities (with the assumption being that God views sex as some disgusting, vile thing), then your soul will feel intensely threatened whenever one of its partner elements talks about sex. When your body expresses a desire for sexual release, your soul will panic and shame the body for being so “carnal.” When your mind starts producing sexual fantasies, your soul will respond with another volley of hateful accusations. In both cases, the soul is trying to protect what is most dear to it: it’s personal relationship with God.
Now the big problem here is that the soul does not have enough influence over the mind or body to block those elements from thinking about sex. Some souls find their lack of practical power in these situations so frustrating that they try to get the body to physically mutilate its own sexual organs. This is especially tempting for males, as the location of their sex organs makes it seem like a simple matter of chopping off the scrotum and all will be well. This is how the soul can view things, but the soul’s logic here is extremely flawed. For starters, your testicles support your body’s health in so many ways. They are not just a source of “lusty” feelings. To your body, losing its testicles would be as devastating as losing its arms. Every organ in your body is a multi-tasking miracle that is making some very important contributions to your body’s ability to function well. So your soul’s desperate suggestion to “just chop them off” is a truly horrific suggestion, and one that will do nothing to fix the issue that the soul is concerned about.
The tragic irony in cases of soul driven asexualism is that the soul is frantically trying to solve a problem that doesn’t exist. Contrary to what demons (and a lot of badly taught humans) say, God does not view sex as some gross, bestial affair. God is the One who designed the human sex drive to have such a powerful influence in our lives. God is the One who designed males and females to have some major differences in how often they physiologically crave sex, what they mentally associate it with, and what kinds of things naturally cause them to feel “turned on.” None of these things are bad to God. Instead, He sees the human sex drive as yet another brilliant aspect of human nature, and one that benefits human relations in far more ways than we appreciate. But as is always the case in this particular Creation, things that have great potential to help also have great potential to harm, and we find this to be true with the sex drive. When it is functioning well and in its proper context, it is a major benefit. But when it becomes hampered and deviated, it can become an intense misery. In the latter situation, it’s only natural that we wish we could simply cut this drive out of our lives instead of going through a bunch of stress and hassle trying to fix it. But God does not give us the option of simply eliminating this part of our design. Instead, He forces us into a situation where the only way to get peace from sexual issues is to roll up our sleeves and start trying to fix whatever is broken. Since the sex drive feels so mysterious to the soul, it quickly hits a point of feeling overwhelmed by the mystery of what is going wrong. Overwhelmed souls will often start looking for outside help in these cases, especially from supernatural beings. Here is where many souls will end up reaching out to God in desperation and being far more honest with Him than they would have been if sexual issues hadn’t sent them into a panic. So you see, from God’s perspective, sexual problems can be a great tool for drawing your soul closer to Him. What’s more awkward than talking to God about all of the perverse fantasies rolling about in your mind? And yet once you break through the ice on those kinds of topics, your relationship with God reaches a whole new level of intimacy, which is exactly what He wants.
It’s vital to keep a grip on the fact that God wants a relationship with you, and once you respond to Him at all positively, He will step up His efforts to keep pulling you closer to Him. Because of the immense distress that sexual issues trigger for the soul, such issues have the ability to greatly enhance your soul’s personal bond with God. Nothing raises questions about the all-important topic of Divine judgment faster than struggling with sexual perversion. Because the sex drive is such a central drive in humans, when it becomes warped, our souls are forced into questioning exactly how God views us and what His affection for us is really based on. Is God only attracted to us when we are sexually “normal”? How much importance does He put on our sexual desires and cravings when He is forming judgments about us? The extremely common belief that God automatically downgrades us if our sex drives are abnormal in any way is completely false. But we aren’t going to get a correct understanding of how God views us and why He’s even interested in us until we become open to the idea that maybe we’ve been taught wrong about how He thinks. The only way to get an accurate understanding of God is to talk to Him directly, and the immense shame that gets triggered by sexual perversions is a fantastic tool for motivating our little souls to cut out all of the middlemen and reach out to God by themselves. The fact that other humans can be so vicious to us when we are struggling with sexual issues makes us feel alone and isolated, and often such isolation plays a critical role in pushing us to at least try to talk to God as a last resort. For many souls, it takes immense moral guilt to finally push them to a point where they are willing to actually listen to what God wants to say to them. For other souls who feel proud of the very “proper” relationship they have with God, it can take something like intense sexual problems to get them to drop the “polite” act and start getting a lot more honest and real in their communication with God. God wants a relationship with you, and you can know with total certainty that every problem you are currently dealing with has been put into your life intentionally by God to help you thrive as His creature. Ultimately, the most important aspect of that will be developing your soul’s personal relationship with Him, and there are so many ways that the sexual problems you’re dealing with can help you advance spiritually. It sounds ironic, I know, and yet that’s the genius of God: He can turn anything into a spiritual advantage–even sex.
Understanding that God sees your current struggles as a fantastic opportunity for you and Him to bond on a whole new level can help your soul feel less distressed. Of course it would be a simple thing for God to instantly fix the root issues here. But if He did, what would happen to your bonding experience? This situation is rather like a father inviting his teenage son to help him fix up an old car, with the promise that the father will gift the car to his son once they get it running smoothly. Since the boy is eager to get his own set of wheels, he agrees to join the project. But while the boy goes into it focused on the goal of getting his own car, the father’s motivation is to grow closer to his son. Since the car is a mess, the project is guaranteed to take a long time to complete. To the son, this is frustrating. To the father, it’s perfect. Working on the car together, troubleshooting together, shopping for parts together–all of these activities are fine, but to the father, they are creating a context in which other, more important things can occur. Spending many hours alone together in that garage is guaranteed to result in a lot of small talk. Some of that small talk will result in heart-to-heart conversations–the kind that permanently alter the father-son bond.
Now certainly the father is looking forward to seeing his son’s joy at owning his own car. But by the time his son takes off on his first road trip in a functioning car, the father wants them to be a whole lot closer than they are right now. God has a similar view regarding your current struggles with a warped sex drive. He wants the two of you to chip away at this issue together, and He’s probably planning to drag this out a while so that He can get the maximum relationship progress out of it. Once you understand that this is His underlying motivation, you can see that the smart move would be to keep trying to work on this issue, but to be very intentional about doing so with God, being receptive to any insights and lessons He wants to teach you along the way. Some of those topics will be sex related. But plenty of other times God will use your current struggles as a launchpoint to spin off onto non-sexual topics. Remember that to Him this situation is primarily about creating a reason for you and Him to keep talking, keep hanging out, and to keep deepening your personal bond.
So far we’ve talked about soul-driven asexualism. Not all souls pressure the body to mutiliate itself. In many cases, souls try to achieve the illusion of asexualism by bullying the subconscious so severely that the subconscious will stop talking about sex in order to avoid being punished. In these cases, the subconscious always develops an intense hatred for the soul, regardless of how it behaves on the surface. The presence of all that hate between the two alpha elements causes new problems and hampers the system’s ability to function. The longer the war goes on between the two alphas, the more impaired the conscious and body will become.
Obsessions with deviant sexual appetites always indicate that the subconscious is feeling intensely stressed about something. If that stress is not allowed to get vented out of the system, it will accumulate in the same way that pressure builds up inside volcanoes until they finally erupt. If the subconscious decides to completely suppress the body’s sex drive in order to get the soul off its back, the person will experience what appears to be a sudden loss of any interest in sex. However, beneath this surface illusion, the subconscious will still be obsessing over sexual issues with great intensity. Instead of sharing its thought with its partner elements, it will keep them hidden. The result will be the conscious and body picking up constant, intense stress signals from the subconscious while having no understanding of why it is so upset. This will cause the body and conscious to feel very anxious while the soul will maintain a hostile attitude of “I don’t care what your stupid issues are, just stay out of my way.” The longer these dynamics remain unchanged, the more misreable the person will feel. Far from being a permanent solution, this situation is guaranteed to erupt in a major crisis down the line. Suppression is never a longterm solution.
Let’s move on to the topic of subconscious driven asexualism. Once again, the apparent absence of any interest in sex is an illusion. Underneath the surface, the subconscious feels immensely threatened by sex. In these cases, the subconscious blocks the body from expressing its natural sex drive in an effort to protect the overall system from danger. The subconscious has far more power over the body than the soul does–so much so that it can inhibit the body from performing many of its core functions. But of course such interference creates problems for the body. As I mentioned earlier, the male body has a physiological need to ejaculate. That need doesn’t vanish just because the subconscious is throwing up blocks. In all cases of severe suppression, the affected elements are negatively impacted by having their normal functions blocked.
In cases of subconscious driven asexualism, the subconscious often keeps its reasons for shutting down the sex drive a secret. When the soul observes what is happening, it often delights in the bizarre silence that is surrounding the topic of sex. Rather than recognize this as a symptom of stress, the soul often interprets this as evidence that it is in the lucky position of dwelling in a system that is of higher moral caliber than most humans. This often results in souls getting rather puffed up with pride and a belief that they are naturally more “righteous” than others. As the soul becomes increasingly arrogant and judgmental, the subconscious continues to feel intensely stressed and the body feels very frustrated by having some of its normal functions blocked. The conscious feels nervous about all of the tension floating around it, yet it is afraid to rock the boat by asking questions so it just hunkers down and tries to do whatever it’s told. Once again, this situation is a ticking time bomb which is guaranteed to worsen over time.
Because humans are not designed for asexualism, severe suppression of the sex drive can result in a sudden explosion of sexual activity when an exhausted subconscious feels it can no longer afford to spend resources maintaining its blocks. The sudden release of all of that pent up stress often results in someone who used to avoid all sexual activities suddenly delving into extremely disturbing sex-related activities. Often in these cases, the person feels unable to control their behavior. The internal push to do certain soul-horrifying activities is so overwhelming that the person feels they truly have no choice but to obey their internal urgings like some kind of automaton. The immense power that the subconscious once used to block the body from expressing its natural desire for sex is now being used to force the body to engage in perverse sexual activities, even ones that are directly injuring the body. When this sudden reversal occurs, the soul is deeply traumatized, as its once lofty view of itself is shredded to bits and it is thrust into horrified confusion about what is happening.
Now as I said before, obsessions about deviant sexual activities always indicate subconscious stress. Helping the subconscious keep its stress at manageable levels is a very important part of the healing process. This means ensuring that the subconscious has options for venting its stress as needed. If you help your mind keep its management tools online, it can continue to persevere under quite a bit of stress without causing a system crash. But if you throw up severe blocks or introduce severe punishments that cause your subconscious to feel it must go into hiding to protect itself, then you turn into a ticking time bomb. This is why it’s so great that you listened to God when He warned you not to try to force an illusion of asexualism on yourself. In your case, you were considering a soul-driven version of asexualism, and as you can see, that would have only made your situation much worse.
My goal in this post is to help you continue to make progress in identifying the root causes of your personal struggle. To do that, it helps to understand some general principles of how you got here in the first place. From the language you are using, it’s clear that your subconscious is the traumatized element. Your soul actually sounds like it’s doing pretty well, with its main source of stress being caused by reacting to your subconscious’ distress. I want you to really understand how I’m coming to these conclusions and why I’m saying you are in a state of psychological trauma. So let’s learn more about some trauma mechanics.
We need to start by understanding how memories work, because memories play a critical role in trauma cases. As a human, you have two main ways of collecting experiences. Experiences then get turned into memories which must be organized, stored, and maintained if they are going to be accessible to you in the future.
The four elements of your being (your soul, your body, your conscious, and your subcosncious) have different abilities. Your body and conscious are incapable of storing mass amounts of memory files. So if I were to ask you what you did to celebrate your last birthday, your body and conscious are incapable of answering that question. My question requires that you access a memory file.
Humans collect two kinds of experiences: those that include sensory data and those that do not. Sensory data includes any kind of information that can be detected by your body’s physical senses: your eyes, ears, nose, skin, etc. If you think about it, all of your memory files include this kind of data. When you think about events that have happened to you in the past, you will find that a bunch of images suddenly appear in your mind, allowing you to recall people’s faces, scenery, objects, etc.. Those images appear when your subconscious transfers certain memory files into your conscious. Until that transfer happens, there are no images, because your conscious cannot directly access your massive memory database.
The only data that your conscious has direct access to right now is stuff that has recently happened to you. If I were to ask “What have you had to eat or drink so far today?”, your conscious will likely have that information to hand. But your conscious doesn’t have your subconscious’ organizational skills. Your conscious is not great at multi-tasking and it is quickly overwhelmed by too much information. Your conscious acts like a small thumb/flash drive that starts getting sluggish as soon as you get anywhere close to its maximum storage capacity. If the only thing you had to drink today was a cup of coffee and you just finished that an hour ago, your conscious will be able to give me a quick answer to my question about what you’ve had to eat or drink today. But if I ask you this question in the evening, after you’ve had several meals and several snacks, your conscious will be so overloaded with all of the data that you’ve collected throughout your day that it will struggle to answer my question. You’ll find yourself pausing to think, and having a hazy recollection of everything you put in your mouth. You’ll remember some things quickly, but then you’ll keep recalling little details that you almost forgot to mention. By the time you finish your list, you’ll probably have the nagging sense that it’s not entirely correct. If I then ask you to list everything you ate or drank a week ago, you’ll probably roll your eyes in frustration and feel like my question is impossible to answer accurately. This is because most of last week’s information has already been deleted off of your conscious’ hard drive and permanently transferred to your subconscious. Whenever you sleep, your subconscious performs these data sweeps, and they are vital to keeping your conscious in top condition. Your conscious both needs and wants your subconscious to reset its tiny memory drive like this. Your conscious is unable to perform these mass deletes for itself, so it has to sit there feeling cluttered until your subconscious helps it out.
Now your subconscious is an entirely different element with extremely impressive organizational skills. You might be a disorganized mess in your daily life, but every human on the planet is a stellar organizer internally. Unlike your conscious, which becomes fussed and frazzled over a few megabytes of data, your subconscious can easily cope with a whole lifetime of memories. Every day you collect a huge amount of sensory data while you are awake. Every night (or whenever you take a long enough nap), your subconscious sweeps that mountain of new information into its own epic database. It sorts, analyzes, and organizes all of that new information with incredible speed, then files it all away in an incredibly efficient database which only it has access to. After that, your other elements (body, conscious and soul) can only access information in that database when your subconscious chooses to give them access. Your subconscious grants access by moving select fragments of memories into your conscious which then get relayed to your soul and body.
Now there are some vital things to realize about how your subconscious manages its memories. A metaphor will be useful here. Suppose your friend Joe has a collection of model planes and you want to see it. So you go to Joe’s house, knock on the door, and ask if you can see his collection. One option is for Joe to invite you into his house, and show you his collection in all of its glory. In that situation, Joe would not get to control what aspects of his collection you focus on. By revealing the whole thing to you and letting you browse at will, Joe ends up having the whole collection exposed. Maybe you’ll notice the details that are most important to him, but maybe you’ll ignore those details and focus on other stuff instead.
Now suppose Joe doesn’t like that first option. Suppose he wants to control your impression of his collection, and he wants to control what aspect of his collection you focus on. How can Joe share his collection with you and retain this kind of control? One option is to leave you standing on his front porch while he goes to fetch a few pieces from his collection. Because you are not allowed into the house to see the collection for yourself, you can only assess the collection by the few pieces Joe allows you to see and by what he tells you about the rest of it. For all you know, he’s lying to you. He could be totally exaggerating the scope of his collection. He could be claiming to have pieces he doesn’t really have, or he could be hiding some of his most impressive pieces.
In this second situation, what factors are going to influence the kinds of pieces Joe chooses to share with you? Your personal relationship with Joe will be a very important factor. If you’ve been mean to Joe, he’ll probably be very cagey about his collection, and much more likely to lie to you. Personal tension between the two of you is certainly not going to increase your chances of Joe being open with you about what’s in his house.
Another important factor will be Joe’s personal stress load. If he’s having problems in his own life that are really taxing him, he might not want to spend effort on hauling all of his pieces to the front door for you to see. If Joe is very stressed, he’s likely to give you a very rushed view of his collection. If he feels like he’s in the middle of a crisis when you visit, he might not open the door to you at all and just pretend he’s not home.
The key thing I want you to learn here is that degree of access is very important. It was your lack of direct access in the second scenario that made your personal relationship with Joe such an important factor in how he responded to you.
Now of these two scenarios–Joe letting you into his house and Joe making you wait outside–the second one demonstrates how your subconscious shares its memory files with your other elements. Your subconscious is Joe. The collection is all of your memory files. Your conscious, body and soul are always told to wait on the porch. No one is ever allowed into the subconscious’ house, and that means the subconscious is always in the power position when it comes to controlling access to memories.
Now suppose I ask you to describe a certain experience from your past. Suppose I know you well enough to be very specific, like “Tell me about that time you went camping with your dad,” or “Tell me all about your trip to Italy.” No matter what I ask you, you will never describe anything close to your entire experience. This is because your subconscious will never transfer the entire memory file over. Instead, it will only transfer a few highlights, and since it is the one choosing which highlights to share, we will see its personal bias come through in the details it chooses to share versus hide.
So why doesn’t the subconscious share entire files? One issue is that the conscious would be too frazzled. These are massive files which include all of the sensory data your body collected during a single life event. When I ask you about your trip to Italy, am I really wanting you to describe the texture of the fabric that your body detected as you sat in your seat on the airplane? Am I wanting a full rundown of every sight, smell and sound that your senses collected as you strolled through airports and down city streets? No, that would definitely fall under the category of “TMI.” When humans have these kinds of conversations, it’s understood that they are only wanting to hear about highlights. They are also generally more interested in emotional responses than physical sensations. Sure, your friends will laugh when you describe how your tongue was lit on fire by some spicy pasta sauce. But no one wants to hear about how your feet felt inside the shoes that you wear every day. When you converse with other humans, your subconscious filters through its massive memory files and makes strategic decisions about which details it should share. Which details it chooses depends a lot on who you are talking to, and how your subconscious currently feels about that person. If you’re trying to impress your boss, you’ll give a very different description of the same memory file than you will when you’re hanging out with your friend. Conversation is always a deep game to your subconscious, and it’s always trying to anticipate what the consequences will be if it divulges certain information.
Now when I talk about memories on this site, I usually only talk about the memories your subconscious controls the access to, because these are usually the only kinds of memories that humans are thinking about when they ask memory questions. Remember that subconscious memory files always include sensory data. This means that they will always include kinds of information that you could imagine gathering with your physical senses–sights, sounds, words, etc..
I’m now going to go a bit deeper into this topic than I usually do because I want to give you a more comprehensive understanding. A safe counselor won’t just throw a diagnosis at you like “You’re traumatized” and expect you to blindly believe them. It’s too dangerous for clients to teach them to give counselors this kind of blind trust. When I give a diagnosis–especially one that you haven’t reached for yourself yet–I like to also educate you enough to help you draw your own conclusions about what I’m saying. That way you develop your critical thinking skills, which will keep you safer in the longrun.
Now that said, there is a second type of experience that humans collect. This second type contains no sensory data, meaning no sights, sounds, smells, or other kinds of information that can only be detected by your body’s senses. These are soul experiences, and they are formed when your soul receives direct input from supernatural beings who are talking to it using its natural soul language. A diagram will make this more clear.
In this illustration, God kicks the whole process off by speaking directly to your soul using your soul’s natural language. That natural language does not use sensory data, so there are no words and no images used in the initial communication. Your soul relays God’s message to your subconscious and conscious. Your conscious tries to translate the message into words, because your conscious likes words. But because your soul’s natural language is so efficient, verbal translations always leave out a lot. Here is where a verbal thought forms in your mind about what God just said to you, yet in your core, you know that He really said something a lot more complex.
Your subconscious prefers to think in images, so when it gets the soul’s communication, it immediately rifles through its memory files and plucks out some imagery that it feels match the general sentiment of the message. Your subconscious shares its visual translation with the conscious. Your conscious feeds back its verbal summary. Your subconscious analyzes all of this input, combines it, and forms its own memory file for future reference. The memory file it creates contains sensory data–data that was falsely added during the translation process. When God initially spoke to your soul, He did not include any sensory data in His message. It wasn’t needed, because your soul is designed to communicate perfectly well without relying on any input from your body (which is where sensory data initially comes from).
Okay, that was complicated, so what’s the point? Why did we just go through all of that? Because I want you to understand that any memory involving sensory data is controlled by the subconscious. I also want you to understand that the subconscious is perfectly capable of creating its own, new memory files anytime it wants. When you find yourself having sexual fantasies, that second process is at work. Your subconscious is creating those fantasies all on its own. Those fantasies are filled with sensory data–sights, sounds, etc. Since those fantasies are fictional, and not things you’ve directly experienced, where do the images come from? Your subconscious draws its inspiration from its massive memory database which contains a lifetime of sensory data that your body has collected. Sometimes your subconscious “copies and pastes” bits of real life experiences into the movie it’s creating. Other times it imagines alternate versions of those experiences. Take a man who imagines himself having oral sex with someone when in real life he’s never had oral sex. How can he create a memory of something he’s never experienced? His subconscious gets creative by combining known experiences with imagined ones.
Once your subconscious creates a false memory file (which happens whenever you dream at night or fantasize during the day), those false memories get filed into the same database as the real memories. Now to be clear: I’m just using the terms false and real to differientate between memories of things that have actually happened to you (like remembering the embarrassing conversation you had with a high school cheerleader) and things have not actually happened to you (like when you fantasized about making out with the cheerleader). But once these two kinds of files get added to your memory database, they can have an equally strong influence on you.
By now, your subconscious will have created a lot of sexual fantasies that your soul finds very repulsive. Your subconscious is like a moody artist who feels some of his creations are better than others. By now you will have noticed that while your subconscious sometimes experiments with creating a new kind of sexual fantasy, it also has some favorites which it keeps replaying. When you masturbate, it is the favorite fantasies that will give you the strongest sense of arousal and the most satisfying orgasm. But for now, I want you to see that your subconscious is the one doing all of the fantasizing and obsessing. The guiding principle is this: if what’s going on in your head includes any sensory data (sights, sounds, etc), then your subconscious is involved.
Now in your question you stated “I don’t remember any specific traumatic events in my life.” What kind of memory file would we be talking about here? Definitely one that includes sensory data. If something happened to you in real life–especially something of an invasive nature, your body would definitely be involved. Which element controls sensory data files? The subconscious. Who is it that’s left standing on the porch, waiting to see whether the subconscious is in the mood to show them anything from inside of its house? Your soul and conscious. So when you say “I don’t remember any specific traumatic events in my life,” who is saying this? Your conscious and your soul. See the problem? We’re just hearing from the guys on the porch here. They are not in a position to know what is or isn’t in the house.
Now there are a lot of shady counselors out there who try to scare the life out of people by making up atrocious lies about horrible things that have happened to them in the past. That’s utterly despicable behavior, of course, and that’s not what we’re doing here. There is a huge difference between trying to lead your mind, and letting your mind lead you. Shady counselors use the first method, and they intentionally try to pressure souls into thinking their subconscious partners are sitting on a bunch of horrifying memory files, when no such files exist. That is of course absolute garbage. But on the other end of the spectrum we have a bunch of folks who are being far too quick to assume nothing bad ever happened to them simply because they can’t immediately access any disturbing memories with their soul or conscious. This second error is what you need to be guarded against. I say this because your subconscious is clearly signalling that it feels very distressed about something. Given all of the the hints it’s dropping, I expect it’s been distressed for quite some time now–likely since before you even entered the teen years. When we see this kind of pattern (ongoing, intense distress that is focused on the same themes), we are definitely dealing with trauma.
Listening to the Subconscious
Now there are two kinds of trauma. In soul trauma, the soul is the affected element. The soul becomes very fearful, very stressed, and it gets locked into a pattern of obsessing about the specific issues that are upsetting it. A very common example here would be the belief that you’ve committed an unpardonable sin. What happens in these cases is that the soul begins to obsess over whatever terrible thing it thinks you did. It goes over those memory files again and again and again, and the whole time it feels super stressed and miserable. Of course the big deal in these cases is never what you did, but what your soul believes about how God reacted to what you did. What if He’s furious with you? What if He’s cursed you? What if He is no longer listening to any of your prayers? In humans, obsessions always indicate unresolved stress. To fix this, we first have to identify which element is doing the obsessing. If your soul is the stressing element, the obsessions will have very clear soul concerns woven throughout them. In the example I gave, you’d find yourself constantly fretting about God rejecting you. Your subconscious doesn’t care about God, nor is it designed to have a personal relationship with Him. So anytime an obsession is focused on God issues or moral concerns, we know that the soul is the stressing element.
So what do we see with you? What are the main themes of your obessions? For starters, oral sex is a massive theme. The soul doesn’t have a sex drive. Oral sex is a physical activity, but the body doesn’t operate independently. Instead, it relies heavily on the guidance and assistance of the subconscious. This means that anything that concerns the body also concerns the subconscious.
Your subconscious is extremely protective over your entire system. Because sex involves people having access to your most sensitive and vulnerable body zones, your subconscious is very guarded about this issue. It isn’t going to let just anyone come close and do whatever they want with your body. It is vital to your subconscious to feel that is able to have a decent amount of control over who comes close to you and exactly how they interact with your body. Any situation which causes the subconscious to feel its authority has been flouted in this area causes intense distress.
Because protecting you is your subconscious’ top priority, if it feels that it failed to protect you in a major way, it cannot just fluff that off and move on. Instead, it must understand exactly what went wrong and why its defenses failed. Your subconscious cannot relax as long as it feels you are insufficiently protected, because it is that loyal. So any experience that exposes a major breach in its defenses will be analyzed to death until a solution can be identified. All breaches must be shored up to prevent future assaults. This is non-negotiable to your subconscious. You must be protected at all costs.
The subconscious feeling like its defenses were breached in some shocking way is one of the primary causes of psychological trauma. Actual harm might have been done to you, or there might have only been the threat of actual harm. But if those threats felt impossible to defend against, they end up being as distressing as actual harm. Imagine the school bully trapping you against a wall and threatening to punch a hole in your gut. He doesn’t actually do it, but once you realize you were unable to stop him from doing it, you become just as distressed. It’s the issue of insufficient defenses that causes the big crisis here. Even if the enemy doesn’t actually sneak through the big hole in your fortress wall, realizing that such a hole exists causes your subconscious to panic.
When traumatic events occur, the subconscious begins to obsess about the circumstances of what happened to you. The crisis moment (which is the moment that your subconscious felt its protective boundaries were violated or disabled in some way) is reviewed from every possible angle. A bunch of alternate “what if” scenarios are invented and analyzed as well. The point of all of this intense scrutiny is to make sense out of what happened to you and figure out how to prevent it from happening again.
The Sex Drive
Now let’s talk about the sex drive. When you are born, your sex drive is programmed to come fully online at puberty. It’s also programmed to have specific normal settings. For a male, that means you come online only feeling sexually attracted to females who are in your same stage of life, meaning close to your age. You feel sexually aroused by visual input–primarily the bouncy parts of the female anatomy (breasts and butts). The primary way that you want to have intercourse is putting your penis in her vagina. When you masturbate, we would expect all of these themes to show up in the sexual fantasies your subconscious creates: bouncy female anatomy, vaginal intercourse, and a strong connection between visual input and penis arousal. We would also expect you to feel an intense desire for sexual release whenever your amazing testicles start feeling overloaded with sperm, which can be as often as every three days. That’s the normal picture. But you’re not matching this picture very well at all, are you? No, and this brings us to a very critical question: how does the normal sex drive get altered? After all, this is a very powerful drive. Altering its course in any way would require immense power, intelligence, and access to the drive’s core programming. There is only one element that has all of these skills: your impressive subconscious.
The fact that the only element which has the ability to alter your normal sex drive also happens to be an element which is devoted to the goal of protecting you has very important ramifications. To put it simply, significant alterations in sexual interests are always a strategic attempt to protect you. In some cases, the goal is to protect you from harm (this is very common in all varieties of sexual deviancy, especially pedophilia, bestiality, and sadomasochism). In other cases, the goal is to improve your access to critical resources (this shows up more with homosexualism, bisexualism, and transsexualism). The subconscious redirects your sex drive for the same reason that it will suddenly stop you from walking too close to the edge of a cliff: this is a protective move. This is a case of mama bear trying to snatch her cub out of the path of harm. This is not just a sign that you’re some “carnal little perv.”
Understanding that the subconscious always has well-meaning intentions for altering the sex drive is vital when you’re trying to help yourself recover from any form of sexual perversion. The first major problem that goes wrong in these situations is that the soul completely misjudges what the subconscious is doing. The soul thinks the subconscious is just being an immoral little creep because, after all, the subconscious is just part of this “earthly shell” which many religions will teach you to view as intrinsically corrupt and generally offensive to God. Well, no, that theory is complete rubbish. When the subconscious alters your sex drive’s internal programming so that you start feeling sexually aroused by guys, kids, animals, objects, or other inappropriate targets, moral concerns aren’t even a factor in its logic. Instead, it is on a frantic mission to save you, fix you, help you, and protect you. So while its methods are indeed disturbing and often injurious, its motivations couldn’t be more admirable, and that is a very important point for your soul to understand.
Now in these modern times, there is a lot of effort being put into punishing anyone who dares to label certain sexual appetites as “wrong.” The reason for this is that we have so many hurting people in the world who are as confused as you are about why they are behaving the way that they are. It is very stressful and draining to be in a state of trauma, and when that’s where you’re at, you don’t want to put up with any extra flack. The idea of punishing anyone who tries to point out that you have problems becomes very attractive so you join up with other people that are struggling in the same way you are and you all sit around trying to convince yourselves that there’s nothing wrong with any of you; you were simply born the way that you are. You know deep down that something is wrong, but not understanding exactly what freaks you out so you don’t want to talk about it. Yet the truth is that no one is born bisexual, homosexual or transsexual. No one is born with pedophilia or bestiality. The reason it is so vital to keep a grip on the fact that there is such a thing as a normal sex drive is so we can recognize signs of stress and help minds get the relief that they desperately want. Of course we wouldn’t be in the spot we are today if historic attempts to help people with sexual abnormalities weren’t so horrific and ineffective. Unfortunately a correct understanding of how the human sex drive gets negatively altered is simply not part of the required curriculum for any counselor or doctor. Once people are completely misled on these issues, even well-meaning efforts will usually end up making the traumatized person feel even worse. So there’s no question that gays, bis and trans have valid reasons for feeling afraid of what will happen to them if they accept an “abnormal” label. But to cease all efforts to help people simply because some therapists are utterly useless in this area is a mistake as well. And to try to brainwash yourself into thinking there’s nothing truly wrong with your sex drive would also be a major mistake. Denial never fixes psychological trauma, it only causes it to fester and grow worse over time. So don’t give up on the idea of helping yourself in this area. There are always logical explanations for why your mind is doing what it’s doing, and the more understanding you gain, the more hopeful you will feel about recovery.
Now that we’ve got some foundational understanding in place, we can finally get into the specifics of your personal struggle. The fact that we see significant abnormalities in your sex drive immediately tells us that your subconscious has intentionally altered your drive. If you were just showing signs of bisexualism without a fixation on body parts or kids, we would need to consider both of the motivations I mentioned earlier: protecting you from harm and trying to help you access critical resources. But the fact that we see pedophilia aspects plus this theme of taking someone into your body rules out that second motivation. In your case, your subconscious’ behavior strongly indicates it is on the defensive and trying to find a way to protect you from future harm. Its fixation with oral sex and kids of a certain age indicate attempts to reenact some past traumatic experience for the sake of analyzing and understanding how harm came to you. This leads us to ask: what happened to you in the past and what is the specific kind of harm that your subconscious is so worried about? Remember that trauma occurs when the stressing element feels stumped by a pressing problem. It’s working hard at trying to find a solution (which is admirable), but it is not able to reach that “aha” moment. In your case, the goal is to bring your soul alongside your subconscious so that your soul (aided by God) can help provide some fresh insight. To do this, we need your subconscious to share the details of its dilemma.
I explained earlier that obsessions are an attempt to solve a problem. Obsessions will continue until a solution is reached, and they will cease when a solution is found. Understanding these principles gives you a good way of guaging how difficult the current problem seems to the obsessing element. Short term obsessions indicate easy to solve problems–like a basic math question that requires a few moments of focus, but then you’re able to solve it. Longterm obsessions indicate that the problem seems overwhelming–like some ridiculously complicated calculus problem that you don’t have the first clue how to solve.
In your case, we’re looking at a longterm obsession. It sounds like this problem has been dogging you for many years, and if you were to think about it, I’ll bet you first noticed these kinds of thoughts surfacing before you even hit puberty. This tells us that your subconscious is feeling very frustrated by this issue, and that despite years of trying, it hasn’t been able to come up with a solution yet. There’s no such thing as a stupid subconscious. Every subconscious is extremely intelligent, so the fact that yours is stuck like this does not mean it is lacking in smarts. But it does mean that it could really use some fresh ideas.
Earlier I said there’s a difference between leading your mind and letting your mind lead you. In the diagnostic stage–which is the stage we’re at right now–it is vital to let the mind lead. In the diagnostic stage, the goal is to pinpoint core issues–to gain an accurate understanding of what is upsetting the stressing element. Just as a cough can be a symptom of a common cold or advanced lung cancer, the same psychological symptoms can be caused by a wide variety of core problems. This means you need to be guarded against leaping to conclusions about yourself just because they seem likely. The correct diagnosis will explain all of the symptoms at once, not just some of them. The correct diagnosis will also be able to explain the relationship between the symptoms–how A is causing B, how C is a reaction to A, etc. In your case, we see symptoms of bisexuality and pedophilia. But we don’t just stick you with one of these labels because that would not explain why they are both present at the same time. We also have a fixation with oral sex, feet, and body odors. The fact that these symptoms keep surfacing together indicates that your subconscious sees them all as related to each other. So how are they related? What is the common thread that ties all of these symptoms together? Only your subconscious can answer this for us, which is why we need to encourage it to keep talking. What’s the best way to do that?
Earlier I explained that longterm obsessions indicate a higher degree of frustration and fatigue for the stressing element. In our metaphor with Joe, remember that how he responded to his visitor was very affected by his personal stress load and his current relationship with his visitor. In your case, it is your soul that is knocking on the door, and it is a very stressed out and frustrated subconscious that is opening it. What’s going to be the best way for your soul to treat your subconscious in this situation? What kind of soul attitude is going to encourage your subconscious to share more about its personal problems? Clearly there needs to be respect and sympathy for how tired and frustrated your subconscious feels. Using a kind, gentle, and compassionate tone is going to get you a lot farther than being pushy and critical. Patience is also going to be needed. After all, your soul is trying to get your subconscious to open up about some of its closely guarded secrets. We can already tell that whatever those secrets are, they are focused on topics that your subconscious finds very upsetting, and that means it’s going to be very stressful and tiring for your subconscious to even dialogue about this stuff. So you don’t push it. You keep the conversations short, then you back off and let your subconscious regroup. If you try to talk to it at a moment when it feels especially frazzled, it’s likely to be rude and hostile and tell you to take a hike. When that happens, you respond sympathetically, you don’t get all huffy. You exercise patience. You let some time pass, then you try again, posing a few questions using a gentle, compassionate tone. This is the approach that’s going to get you the best results.
At the start of this post, I said that you’ve already made some great progress. One of the biggest breakthroughs you’ve had is right here:
I think that smelling a person’s body and the oral fixation symbolizes intimacy and vulnerability to my subconscious. I guess it’s as if I’m taking the person into myself somehow.
These are vital insights, and they prove that your soul and subconscious have already had some positive dialogue on this issue. The fact that they have been able to successfully talk about this and the fact that your subconscious has opened up to this degree is a very good indication that you’ll be able to either restore or maintain a positive dynamic between these two. As I said earlier, it’s far more common for these two elements to be at war with each other at this stage, and that would mean we would first have to work on dialing down the hate before we could hope to start a dialogue. But in your case, we don’t have to call a truce to a war. We’ve already got open dialogue, so that is fantastic.
The subconscious is a very symbolic thinker, which pairs nicely with its love of imagery. To your subconscious, a tree is never just a tree. Instead, your subconscious will link the idea of a tree to a bunch of other concepts, emotions, experiences and desires which, by themselves, seem totally unrelated to any kind of plant. To appreciate how this works, imagine that you and your friend both visit a museum of abstract art. As you walk through the gallery looking at the various combinations of colors, shapes and textures, you will each experience different internal reactions. When you come across a painting that is covered in swirls of blue, your friend says it reminds him of sailing, while you find yourself thinking about tears and the emotion of sorrow. These very different reactions are due to the fact that your minds have formed different mental associations with the color blue. All minds do this, and there’s no way to predict exactly what kinds of associations a particular mind will form. While some seem obvious, many are quite surprising and unexpected.
When it comes to mental associations, there is no concept of right or wrong. These associations are formed independently by your subconscious, and none of your other elements can control this process. As you gather more life experiences, your subconscious will revise its associations. It might make a certain association more complex, like when it adds an association of camping to the idea of a tree, when tree was already linked to nature, forest, calm, and peace. Sometimes your mind will erase a link. You used to associate your coworker Tim with athletic, strong, intelligent. After a conversation with Tim, your mind eliminates the link to intelligent and replaces it with immature. The important point here is that mental associations are always changeable. Even really strong associations have the potential to be revised or entirely eliminated at some point in the future.
To your subconscious, mental associations serve different purposes. Some function like category tags which help your subconscious keep its massive memory database neatly organized. A single experience can have many tags connected to it. For example, the experience of flunking a big test in high school could receive the category tags of high school, childhood, tests, grades, grade 12. Once the tags are chosen, they affect when your subconscious will refer to that memory file. If I ask you to tell me about a memorable experience from childhood, a ton of memory files will be considered, because that’s a very broad and general category. The more files there are to choose from, the less likely it is that your mind will focus on the test memory. But suppose I change the wording of my question to be more narrow. Suppose I ask you what your hardest class in high school was, or if you’ve ever flunked a big test. The wording of my question will automatically direct your subconscious to a smaller set of memory files. The more tags I mention that fit a specific memory file, the more likely it is that that memory file will be transferred to your conscious for discussion.
Now category tags are about organizing memories by topic or general subject matter. But there is another kind of mental association which focuses on highlighting the most important aspects of a specific experience. Since protecting you is such a big issue to your subconscious, threatening experiences get linked to some very strong highlights.
It is that second type of mental association that becomes very important in cases of trauma, so we need to understand more about how these highlights are formed. Suppose you are reading a textbook. You have 50 pages assigned to you as homework, and since you know you’ll be tested on the material later, you want to focus and actually learn something, not just do a quick skim. So you’ve got your trusty yellow highlighter ready, and as you read, you occassionally swipe some color across a certain word or phrase that stands out to you as being important. Your subconscious does this same kind of thing every time you have an experience in life. It’s as if it has a big yellow marker and it quickly marks up specific details of the incoming sensory data that it is receiving about what is happening to you. This highlighting action happens extremely fast. Perhaps when you were just a little boy playing in a park, a big golden retriever ran over to you, jumped on you, and started licking your face. As your body records what is happening, that information floods into your subconscious. Your subconscious analyzes it with lightning speed and finds the whole situation very alarming because this beast is attacking you. Remember that you’re very young in this scenario–so young that you’ve never encountered a dog like this before. Prior experience is a huge factor in how your subconscious reacts to what is happening to you. New, foreign experiences are always more alarming than familiar ones. As the huge dog knocks you over in its playful zeal, your subconscious’ mental highlighter is working fast, marking up specific details of this experience. Golden. Tongue. Wet. Grass. Beast. Scissors. Pain. Hot breath. Exposed stomach. Notice how random this list seems when we only hear the specific details that your subconscious highlighted. Notice also how misleading some of the terms are. Beast does not clearly indicate dog. But remember, you’re just a kid. You’ve never encountered a dog like this, but you have been read a lot of bedtime stories involving large, fluffy beasts. Your subconscious relies heavily on your past experiences to interpret what’s happening to you in the present. The size and fluffiness of this dog that’s now standing on top of you is most quickly matched to characters in your favorite bedtime stories, so it gets labeled as a beast. But what about the term scissors? Where is that coming from? As the dog excitedly paws at you, its claws keep scratching your chest. Your body reports pain signals to your subconscious, which crosschecks the sensations against its massive memory database. The first match it finds was a time when you accidentally sliced your fingers with a pair of craft scissors. That nerve pain was a close match to the nerve pain your body is currently reporting, so your subconscious leaps to the assumption that scissors are somehow involved. In the crisis moment, there is no time for deep analysis. Your subconscious is in a frantic rush to protect you, so it runs with its initial assessment. So what if there are some false assumptions? Those can be cleared up later when things calm down.
This dog’s busy paws are not only scratching your chest, they are also pulling up your shirt, causing your stomach to feel exposed. Your subconscious immediately highlights this as a significant detail, which is how we get exposed stomach added to our list. Any forced exposure of a part of your body that is normally kept covered will feel like a significant detail to your subconscious. Remember that the details it focuses on are very influenced by its goal of protecting you from harm.
Now as our dog example illustrates, the younger you are at the time you become traumatized, the more likely it is that your mind will misinterpret what happened to you. This is due to the simple fact that children have such limited life experience, so their available memory databases are going to be limited as well. Understanding this is an important caution whenever you are dealing with a mind that concludes you have been sexually assaulted at a young age. Sadly, it is all too true that many children are assaulted in this way. But many others end up feeling sexually assaulted by invasive experiences that weren’t actually sexual in nature. Well-meaning medical procedures that involve sexual organs are a very common cause of young children ending up feeling severely sexually assaulted when in reality no one was attempting to interact with them in a sexual way. Once your mind concludes that you were sexually assaulted, then right or wrong, that belief has a devastating effect on your mind’s confidence that it can successfully protect you from harm.
So why am I focusing on sex with you? Because your subconscious is focused on it. Whatever originally happened, your subconscious has formed a strong mental association between that experience and oral sex. There are two possibilities here. If this is a direct association, then we’re looking at a case of you having oral sex forced on you at a young age. But it’s too early to make that kind of leap. Remember that your mind is a very symbolic thinker, and that means the oral sex link could be very symbolic as well. If that is the case, then to understand how this link was formed, we need to strip the concept of oral sex down to its basic parts. Oral sex involves something being forcefully shoved into a bodily orifice. As a male, you have several orifices. If someone or something was forced into a different body opening, your mind could have easily become obsessed with the general concept of any bodily orifice being entered. When it then became introduced to the concept of oral sex, it could have locked onto that as a very relevant parallel for the kind of experience you initially had (one which might not have been at all sexual, but likely one that involved something getting shoved into your body).
Now I explained that second option just to help you practice balanced thinking here and show you the importance of waiting for your mind to fully explain itself. But as a counselor, I don’t think that second scenario fits your situation, the reason being that your mind is using this kind of language:
I guess it’s as if I’m taking the person into myself somehow.
This wording strongly implies a case of you feeling sexually assaulted. If you were instead traumatized by something like an invasive dental procedure, we’d expect to see you fixated on tools or objects entering your body, not people. But the fact that your mind is focusing on the concept of another person entering your being unfortunately points very strongly to a case of assault. Another strong indication of this is the fact that your mind is also obsessing over body odor–something that only comes up when two people are in close proximity with each other. The fact that body odor has become a sexual arousal trigger also strongly indicates that your mind noted that kind of smell being present at the same time your body was feeling sexually engaged with in a negative way. Throw in the age factor and the focus on males, and it’s looking very much like we’re dealing with a case of childhood assault. But I know how distressing that idea is, and how impossible it seems to your soul that such an experience could have happened when you can’t instantly recall it. So let’s keep talking about mechanics here so you can feel better positioned to make your own judgment on this.
The most significant marker of pedophilia is finding yourself feeling strongly sexually aroused by children. But it’s never just any child that triggers you–only children who match a specific list of traits that your subconscious is looking for. Age is always one of those traits, and you’ve already been able to narrow your trigger age to be around 12. The fact that you’ve been able to distinguish between the general age range (9 to 15) and the preferred age (12) is another fantastic sign of progress. Trauma triggers always broaden over time as the mind’s stress load intensifies. For example, a trauma that causes you to feel very upset by anyone touching your knee will worsen over time to cause you to feel equally guarded about your thigh and calves. The hypersensitivity surrounding trauma triggers tends to move in both directions. So if the trigger point is a place on your body, we will see the panic zone extend in all directions over time, until you eventually reach the point of feeling distressed by anyone touching your body anywhere. If the trauma point is a geographical location, we will see a similar pattern of expansion. What starts as you feeling panicked at the sight of a specific house will extend to you feeling distressed by being in the general neighborhood of the house, then it will further extend to you being in the same city, etc, etc. Trauma always worsens over time.
In cases of pedophilia, there is always a specific trigger age (in cases of multiple traumas, there can be a specific age range or several specific trigger ages). If left untreated, we see an expansion in both directions, with children both younger and older than the trigger age becoming arousal triggers. You’ve already observed this: 12 is the key age, but we see some expansion in both directions, which is why as young as 9 or as old as 15 are also causing some degree of arousal for you.
Now it’s vital to understand that kind of arousal you are experiencing here is not a normal form of sexual arousal. Normal sexual arousal is pleasure based. In cases of pedophilia, the arousal is always fear based. It’s easy to miss this because your focus on sex is usually so strong in these moments that you aren’t consciously aware of fearful thoughts. But there is actually a ton of fear being triggered in your subconscious. In pedophilia, the sudden arousal that happens around certain kids is a form of panic, that is much like the distress you’d feel if a big scary thug were to suddenly leap in front of you holding a huge knife. Because the physiological symptoms are so distracting to your soul (hardening penis, etc.), it misinterprets the true emotions that are happening in these moments. It thinks you’re simply lusting when in reality you are panicking.
Earlier I said that the male body has a physiological need for sexual release to relieve sperm pressure. Physiological desires for sex are always directly linked to physiological goals. In other words, the body calls for sex for its own body reasons. But psychological desires for sex are about achieving psychological goals. So when the subconscious is the one demanding sex, it’s not about helping the body–it’s about helping your mind.
Whenever a child is arousing you, you are dealing with a form of psychological arousal. In these cases, your subconscious forces your body into a state of arousal. Your body is not the one initiating this. Because psychological arousal is focused on psychological goals, not body goals, you will find that patterns of psychological arousal do not match patterns of physiological arousal. Your body’s natural arousal pattern will typically be in sync with its rate of sperm production (for women, it will be in sync with their rate of ovulation). But once your subconscious starts overriding the sex drive and controlling the arousal pattern, you will find yourself suddenly craving sex far more often or much less often than your body would naturally want it. As we learned in our discussion of asexualism, some minds react to trauma by shutting down the sex drive. In these cases, the mind never calls for sex, and it blocks the body’s ability to signal for sex. But in many other cases, the subconscious react to trauma by revving the sex drive. Here the person starts wanting sex far more frequently than their body would naturally want it.
Pedophiles are always dealing with that second scenario. In pedophilia, the mind is revving the sex drive, causing strong feelings of arousal to happen suddenly and frequently. The intensity of such revving ranges from mild to extreme. In extreme versions, all you can think about is sex. As soon as you ejaculate, your penis hardens again. As you can imagine, this is extremely hard on the body, yet it’s also anatomically uncomfortable to walk around with an erect penis, so you feel you have no option but to keep trying to ejaculate.
In cases of fear-based arousal (which is always the case with pedophilia), how intensely your mind revs your sex drive is strongly influenced by your overall stress load. By now you’ve probably noticed that when you start feeling more stressed in non-sexual areas of your life, those disturbing mental fantasies start becoming more frequent and hard to think around. This pattern is due to your subconscious viewing sexual release as a means of venting some of its psychological stress. The more stress you pile on, the more urgently it needs to do something to take some of the pressure off. Since the main source of its stress is trauma, it will focus on venting trauma related stress first.
The process I just described applies to more than just pedophiles. Any traumatized mind will focus more on its traumatic memory files in a response to feeling more stressed. This means that whatever kinds of coping methods your mind has come up with to vent its trauma related stress will be the things it suddenly pushes you to do whenever stress increases. In your case, I’d expect you to find yourself feeling plagued with extra oral sex fantasies whenever your overall stress levels rise. I’d also expect you to feel more sensitive to child triggers as well. When your stress levels are low overall, being around 12 year olds would be uncomfortable, but doable. When your stress levels spike, being around 12 year olds would feel intensely distressing. The point is that all of these patterns you notice in yourself have very logical reasons behind them, with a major theme being trying to keep stress manageable.
So where does the age association come from in pedophilia? In most cases, that number is directly linked to how old you were at the time you became traumatized. In some cases, the age is instead linked to the age you were when your general stress load became significantly increased after an earlier life trauma. Let’s use examples to make this more clear.
Rick is an example of a direct age link. When Rick was 6 years old, his grandfather molested him. As an adult, Rick finds himself sexually aroused by any young children, but especially 6 year olds. Remember: for pedophiles, sexual arousal around kids is a form of subconscious panic. When Rick sees certain young boys who have traits that strongly remind him of himself at that age, those horrific memories of his grandfather molesting him get triggered on a subconscious level and he panics. The sexual arousal occurs as his subconscious reviews memory files of Rick being sexually assaulted. On a conscious level, Rick is not thinking about his grandfather because his subconscious is keeping a tight lock on those files, and not allowing them to transfer over. Without the subconscious providing a clear explanation of what is happening, Rick is left feeling very distracted and confused by his body suddenly becoming aroused. His soul adds to the distraction by voicing its strong disapproval of what is going on. Between his body physiologically revving and his soul loudly shaming him, Rick’s conscious starts feeling frazzled and stressed. Meanwhile, no one is focusing on the subconscious which is frantically reviewing those traumatic memory files and trying to gain a better understand why Rick’s grandfather did what he did.
Now there’s a common misconception that people can’t remember stuff that happens to them when they are infants. This is due to memory theories focusing far too much on the development of the physical brain. Your brain is entirely different than your subconscious. Your subconscious is fully online at birth, and it is actively monitoring and responding to things that happen to you when you are in infant. If someone sexually assaults you in infancy, your mind will very likely highlight your age as a significant factor. This is the case with Jules, who was molested frequently by his mother when he was an infant. As an adult, Jules is intensely aroused by infants, and he feels a strong desire to molest them. Of course this horrifies his soul, and since his subconscious isn’t sharing its infant memory files, the soul has no recall of what happened to Jules when he was a baby, so he doesn’t understand why he’s experiencing such horrible impulses. (If anyone is reading this who identifies with Jules, remember that you should not instantly assume you were also assaulted as a baby just because your mind is having this kind of fixation. There are many possible causes for the same surface symptoms, so you need to take it slow and give your mind time to explain itself.)
These first two examples illustrate cases when your mind locks onto your age at the time of the initial trauma. That age then becomes one of your arousal triggers because other humans who are also that age remind you of yourself. This is a key theme in pedophilia: to your mind, the kids who arouse you are usually symbols of yourself. So wait–does that mean you’re trying to have sex with yourself? Not really, let’s keep going.
Jack will illustrate a case of a deyaled age trigger. Jack was raped by his babysitter at age 5. This was of course horrifying, but his mind felt it was managing to keep things tacked together until Jack entered high school and became the target of severe bullying. The addition of this new intense stress made Jack’s mind feel overwhelmed. It then locked onto the age of 16 as a kind of “breaking point.” As an adult, Jack finds himself aroused by 16 year olds. His sexual fantasies about them are reenactments of what happened to him at age 5, but the child targets are aged close to 16 because his mind associates the later age with a tipping point of stress.
Delayed age triggers can cause you to make false assumptions about when your initial trauma occurred. Since understanding the initial event is so important to recovery, how can you tell if age 12 is a direct age trigger for you or a delayed age trigger? An important clue here will be thinking about how young you were when you first started thinking a lot about sex, especially deviant forms. For example, if you can recall thinking about having sex with other boys or having oral sex or being obsessed with feet and body odors before the age of 9, for example, that would indicate that your initial trauma happened in younger childhood, then some new form of stress was introduced in your life around age 12–enough to make 12 feel like a tipping point. If instead you feel that you were a pretty normal kid prior to the teen years, and that you don’t recall yourself displaying any ongoing signs of intense distress, then it’s more likely that the initial trauma happened close to age 12. In either case, the child targets who are triggering you today are going to be symbols of your traumatized self. The reason your mind keeps fantasizing about you interacting with them in sexual ways is its attempt to symbolically reenact what initially happened to you. Notice I said symbolically reenact. The goal here is not to exactly duplicate the original circumstances, but to reenact many different versions of what happened to you for the sake of problem analysis.
Bisexualism can be caused by a broad range of issues, many of which have nothing to do with being sexually assaulted. Instead of going through all of those possibilities, I’m going to focus on the likely explanation for your specific situation.
Because pedophilia causes your mind to focus on symbols of yourself, it is very common for it to also try to match the gender of the child targets to your own. Since you are a male, it is quite logical for your mind to feel that male children are a better symbolic fit for you than female children. The fact that it is matching genders like this also indicates that your own gender was one of the details it highlighted about your initial trauma. This gives us a second clue to work with, which can be illustrated like this:
In this illustration of how your subconscious is currently thinking, we have the black box which represents the initial traumatic event(s). In real life, your subconscious knows exactly what happened to you and it is analyzing those memory files over and over. When it does this, it is paying special attention to the factors that it initially highlighted at the time you were traumatized. Here’s where we get the red bubbles. One is age 12. One is the male gender. Because your mind initially latched onto these details at the time you were traumatized, it feels convinced that the answer to resolving all of this stress must be linked to those details. This is why it is so focused on these details while it is treating other details as less important. In the red bubbles, I included some of the thoughts that your mind is likely thinking in regards to each of those concepts.
Now bisexualism is essentially a mild form of homosexualism. In strong cases of homosexualism, the subconscious shifts the sex drive entirely away from its normal opposite sex targets. Some gays simply feel disinterested by the opposite sex, while others feel threatened. How a gay man feels about women depends on what his mind’s motivations were for altering his sex drive in the first place.
In homosexualism, gender is a very big deal to the mind. In pedophilia, age tends to be treated as the more significant factor. This is why many pedophiles experience only a partial shift in gender arousal. Often the normal sex drive is still running in the background, allowing the pedophile to experience a normal attraction to his opposite sex peers. But at the same time, he is experiencing an altered sex drive, which ranges from being mildly distracting to at times completely blocking out his normal sexual feelings. This is what we see happening with you. Your mind has left some aspects of your normal drive intact. It sounds like you still experience some degree of normal attraction to your female peers. Notice how it is only males that trigger a focus on younger targets. This is completely logical when you understand that those male targets are symbols of yourself. We don’t see you sliding down the age range with females, because your mind doesn’t feel that females are a good match for a symbol of you.
Now for the sake of education, you should be aware that your mind could have used a different logic here. What’s determining the gender of the children you’re attracted to is the mental associations that your own mind has connected to female. Remember that there are no right or wrong answers here. Mental associations are entirely a matter of personal preference and every subconscious has its own personality. But for many male pedophiles, young girls are a strong trigger. This is because their minds have formed different associations with the concept of female. A common example here is when a male mind links the idea of female with the idea of victim of assault. Sexual assault often involves an element of physical coercion, and despite what many women want to believe in these modern times, females are physically inferior to men. This puts females at a clear disadvantage when it comes to situations of physical assault. Since sexual assault is often categorized as a form of physical assault, a boy who is sexually assaulted can end up concluding he was treated or forced to behave “like a girl”, meaning he was victimized in a way that is more commonly associated with females. Once a man’s mind forms this kind of link, young girls can feel like a much better symbolic representation of himself than young boys. While the young boys will technically be more accurate (males representing a male), a young girl can not only match the mind’s age fixation, but she can also seem like a much better symbolic match for how emasculated the man felt when he was initially assaulted. So you see, mental associations play a huge role in all of this, and can allow for a wide variety of folks to qualify as stand-ins for yourself.
In your case, it looks like your mind is only changing genders for the purpose of directing you towards good symbolic stand ins for your younger self (specifically you at the time you were initially traumatized). Young girls don’t feel like the right match for your mind because it wants to match your gender with your stand ins. So it is directing you towards young males instead. Because the swapping of gender in your case is only part of an effort to reenact your childhood trauma, you don’t find yourself attracted to your male peers. If you were primarily bisexual, you’d find yourself attracted to your male and female peers, while you’d feel the normal repulsion to children as sexual targets. But because pedophilia is the dominant drive here, the gender swap only occurs with children, because pedophilia targets are all about reenacting initial childhood traumas, and you need a young target for that. See how logical and precise your mind is? Nothing it’s doing here is random. Everything is calculated.
Let’s now move on to the additional clues your mind is providing. Your mental fanstasies about sex are loaded the details that your subconscious highlighted during the original event. You’ve already noticed a few that really stand out to you–largely because they are so repulsive to your soul. But there are a lot more clues being given that you can also pick up on if you use the right kind of analysis exercises. The more clues you gather, the closer you’ll get to understanding what originally happened to trigger all of this distress.
I’m basing this flowchart on the wording you used in your question. But here I want you to really THINK about where the arrows are. Do these feel like the right positions to you? Or should the arrows be pointing in different directions?
One likely scenario that could have happened here is that someone with major body odor forced oral sex on you as a child. The fact that your mind took such note of feet suggests that person’s feet were uncovered and either incredibly smelly and/or in your line of sight. The fact that you resonate with the idea of “someone inside me” instead of you entering someone else suggests that you were the recipient of the oral sex (meaning their parts in your mouth instead of the other way around). But this explanation assumes that by intimate your mind is thinking of physical intimacy, not emotional intimacy. That’s an important detail that your mind needs to clarify for you. Remember that you should never just accept a diagnosis without checking with your own mind and waiting for it to give you feedback of “yes, that’s how I feel”, or “sort of, but not exactly” or “no, that’s way off the mark.” Your own mind is the authority here, not an outside party, so you need to invite it to lead any kind of analysis.
Since a fixation with oral sex combined with the idea of “taking someone inside me” implies you were the recipient, not the giver of the sex, it’s likely your rapist was male. Anatomically, men are better set up for oral rape. If a female had used some kind of invasive instrument to compensate for not having a penis, it is highly unlikely that your mind would have gone through that without fixating on the tool she used. In that case, I would expect to see an obsession with some kind of object included in the mix. This would result in you feeling sexually aroused by any objects which remind your mind of the one initially used. If that isn’t happening, it strengthens the case for a male rapist.
Now to help you not move too quickly here, I want to show you a different way that we could interpret things. Let’s focus on the issue of feet. In my previous diagram, I assumed your attacker owned the feet that your mind locked onto. Once your mind selects smelly feet as a key identifier for an assaulter, then you will easily experience panic-based arousal whenever you are around someone who has smelly feet. The presence of their feet will make your mind feel like you are in the presence of another potential attacker. This triggers a review of the origianl trauma files, and suddenly your conscious is bombarded with an emotionally intense sexual fantasy.
Now another possibility is that it was your own feet that your mind locked onto. In trauma cases, shifting one detail like this will change what kinds of surface reactions you will experience. Let’s adjust our flowchart and move the position of the feet.
By making you the owner of the feet we significantly change what feet mean to your mind. In this second case, any exposure of your own feet could trigger panic that you are suddenly defenseless and likely to be attacked. If your mind has highlighted feet as a key identifier of you, the victim of the assault, then I would expect you to feel hypersensitive about having your own feet exposed in daily life. Wearing sandals, for example, would feel distressing. Uncovering your feet prior to a taking a shower would make you feel uncomfortable. Regardless of whether the feet belonged to you or your attacker, feet would be strongly associated with danger. But if they were your feet, I’d expect your mind to be extra protective over that part of your anatomy today. If they were your attacker’s feet, you would probably not experience distress whenever you changed your socks, but you would feel agitated whenever you noticed someone else’s feet were uncovered in your presence (such as a stranger nearby wearing sandals). As you can see, the details matter. And as I just illustrated, your mind is already providing many other clues in its daily behavior that will help you pinpoint exactly what these highlights mean to it. You won’t be able to figure out what’s really going on until you recognize more of the clues htat are being dropped right in front of you on a daily basis. Severe trauma (which this is) always alter our daily behaviors in significant ways. So the information is there–you just need some guidance on how to recognize it. The more clues you gather, the better you’ll be able to draw your own chart like the ones I’ve made. Making visuals aids like this can be a good way to help your soul really understand the logic your subconscious is using.
In cases of pedophilia, your subconscious manufactures fantasies about you interacting with children in very specific ways. Exactly how your mind portrays these interactions is loaded with important clues about what initially happened to you. Often the goal is to reenact the original trauma. There are two main ways that your mind does this. First, it assigns you a role. In the fantasy, you are either the giver or the receiver of the assault. That role can change from fantasy to fantasy. You can tell which role your mind is giving you by which character you emotionally resonate with and focus on the most while the fantasy plays. Let’s use an example to make this more clear.
Suppose as a child, I had a terrible experience at a dentist’s office. I needed some painful mouth operation and the whole time I writhed in my chair, feeling scared and in pain. Decades later, I find myself watching a dentist perform a similar operation on a child’s mouth. His patient is also squirming uncomfortably. In that moment, who am I going to focus on? The child, not the dentist. Why? Because I identify most strongly with the child. As I watch the child, my mind will aggressively look for evidence that the child is experiencing the same feelings that I experienced when I was the one in the chair. The more upset I still feel by my own childhood experience, the more I will exaggerate the similiarities between myself and that child. I will not believe that they could possibly be less than terrified by what is happening to them because I was terrified. My mind is going to be so focused on my own memory files that I will end up seeing the child through very biased eyes.
Now let’s hit rewind and have me walk into that dentist’s office again as an adult, ready to watch the operation. This time, I am a dentist myself, only I suffer from terrible performance anxiety whenever I try to operate. I feel immense pressure to not make a mistake, and I am fearful about injuring one of my patients and getting hit with a lawsuit. In this second scenario, as I watch the operation, who am I going to focus on? The dentist, not the child. Once again my own issues will influence how I process what I see and I will expect the dentist to show signs of intense anxiety and distress as he operates.
Now think about one of your mind’s favorite sexual fantasies–one of the ones that it often tries to default to when you’re trying to get sexual tension out of your system. In that fantasy, which character are you focusing on the most? Which character’s emotions are you the most aware of? In cases of pedophilia, you will often find yourself focusing far more on the child’s emotions, even when you are playing your adult self in the fantasy. Suppose your mind keeps fantasizing about you giving a child oral sex. Since you appear in the fantasy as your adult self, you would expect to mostly focus on that character’s emotions. Yet instead what often happens is you end up far more focused on the child’s feelings about what you are doing to them. This switch of focus is because the child represents you at the time you were intitially traumatized. The whole point in creating the fantasy in the first place is to recreate a symbolic reenactment of what happened to you so you can try to better understand it. Your mind will often use your adult self as the symbolic stand in for your original attacker. Especially in cases where your mind is trying to hide the original memory files, it will intentionally avoid making the attacking character look too much like the real life person. Of course your mind knows exactly who it was that originally messed with you, but it often considers that information to be too dangerous to release. So to keep the attacker mysterious–and to prevent your soul from figuring out there even was an attacker–your mind will often cast your adult self into that role while it then focuses on the child character as being the most important.
In cases of childhood assault, understanding the attacker’s motivation and analyzing your own reponses are two very common obsessions for your mind. By constantly running through symbolic reenactments of what happened, your mind tries to study those two concepts in greater detail. This is why you will often find yourself roleplaying doing to a child exactly what was done to you in these fantasies. By stepping into the role of your attacker, your mind tries to understand why that person did what they did to you. What was their motivation? What were they trying to accomplish? Most importantly, why did they pick you of all people to mess with? At the same time, your mind scrutinizes your own behavior by having it’s child characters endure in a fantasy world what you endured in real life. In these reenactments, your mind tries to revise the child’s responses in various ways to see if it can identify some way that you could have responded in real life that would have reduced how much damage was done. The key questions here are: Where did I go wrong? How should I have acted differently? Is it even possible to get comfortable with this kind of assault?
A lot of victims of sexual assault are passive temperaments. If this is the case for you, it would be perfectly logical for your mind to put enormous effort into trying to find some way of enjoying sexual assault. The underlying theory here is: “If I can learn to like this kind of thing, then it won’t upset me, and I won’t end up feeling so damaged.“ When your mind is trying to work at this goal, you’ll often find the child character in your fantasies trying to fake enjoyment for what is being done to them. Here the mind is trying to assess how many resources it would take to pull off that kind of response in real life, and if it would be worth attempting. It’s important to realize that traumatized minds often have an intense fear that another, similar assault will occur in the future, therefore it is vital to come up with a plan for how you will manage when disaster strikes. If your mind tries to go for the “I just need to learn to like it” strategy, you can find yourself frequently fantasizing about children who are acting like calm, happy recipients of abuse. But remember: the kids are symbols of yourself. Their fantasy reactions are not realistic reactions. Instead, they represent a lot of desperate hopes that are very unrealistic.
As a human, it is impossible for you to genuinely enjoy being abused. Should you cross the line from fantasizing about kids to actually attacking real children, those real children would respond to you the same way that you responded to your original attacker: their distress would be extremely obvious. Seeing yourself inflicting that kind of angst on another human being would make your own trauma far more intense, so the goal is to help your mind find relief before it gets so desperate that it tries to move its reenactments out of the fantasy world and into the real world. It is desperation which pushes hurting people across that critical line and of course that kind of shift is heartbreaking for everyone involved.
My goal in this post is to help you realize that there is a very logical explanation for why you’re struggling with these issues. The presence of these problems does not in any way indicate that you are morally flawed, nor does it say anything negative about your committment to God. But these things are clear evidence of severe psychological trauma, and that calls for a focused effort on helping your mind get some relief. It doesn’t just need answers, it also needs sympathy and compassion for the fact that it is having to haul around such a heavy burden. No one wants to be traumatized. These things drop on us like grenades, explode all over us, and leave a mess of shrapnel that takes time to clean up. Is it worth the effort to try and help yourself get untangled from this mess? Absolutely. As I said earlier, there are massive spiritual gains to be gleaned from going through this healing process. For more guidance and a lot of specific exercises that will help you self-analyze, I suggest you read my book Recovering from Pedophilia. Do all of the exercises in order, rest your mind when I advise you to in the book, and you should end up with a lot more understanding. There is absolutely a positive ending possible here, and since you’re already involving God in this process, you’re going to end up in a fantastic place.
This post was written in response to Indigo11.