Why Am I Watching Scat Porn?

I’m a 48 yo man and I’m strongly addicted to scat porn. I find this both disgusting and horrifying. I only recently discovered that this type of porn existed and once I saw it, I was instantly hooked and I can’t stop thinking about the images even when I’m not watching it. It’s become an obsession that is ruining my life. The worst part is I don’t know why this is happening to me. I am a man, yet I find myself wanting to watch images of a female smearing human waste onto another female. Why am I watching this kind of garbage? I would never dream of treating a real woman in such a disgusting manner, so why do I feel so drawn to that kind of image? And why do I want to watch it over and over for hours on end? Does this mean I’m some kind of transsexual on top of being a gross pervert? Does this mean I secretly want to be a woman? Any thoughts before I kill myself?

Let’s not die over scat porn. That is really not worth it. While I truly do understand your panic and horror, I want you to take a deep breath and try to focus on what I’m going to explain in this post. Because it turns out you’re not disgusting and you’re not harboring a secret desire to change your gender. There are logical reasons why your mind is obsessing like this, and it has nothing to do with you genuinely liking human excrement.

Your subconscious is the part of you that’s craving the porn. Your soul is the part of you that’s freaking out and pushing for suicide. Instead of listening to what your mind is trying to communicate, your soul is trying to interpret your behavior from a moral perspective, and that really doesn’t work in this situation.

Your subconscious does not care about morality, so when it talks about stuff, it doesn’t focus on the issue of right vs. wrong. Instead, it focuses on themes like fear, injury, and danger. This difference stems from these two elements having different priorities.

Your soul needs to feel you are a morally decent guy according to your current moral code. Since your soul obviously feels that scat porn is disgusting, it is extremely upset by you wallowing in it–so upset that it’s decided it can’t stand being forced to witness this activity all of the time, so it wants to force the whole system to shut down.

Now it’s important to respect your soul’s position here, because it is making a valid point. All porn is morally repulsive, because the very act of filming humans who are sexually engaging with each other is very degrading to them. Sexual interactions are private things which should not be publicized for any reason. When we get into forms of porn where humans are also actively abusing each other, that’s even more appalling. So it’s a good thing that you have a moral problem with humans being treated badly. You are supposed to have a problem with degrading your fellow humans, so we don’t want your soul to change its moral position on this subject. Scat porn is vile from beginning to end. But the problem with your soul’s reaction here is that it’s misinterpreting your mind’s motivation for focusing on this kind of porn.

When your soul sees your mind (or another human) doing things that are morally wrong, your soul will often assume that there are shady motivations involved, meaning that your mind is wallowing in scat porn because it likes to be evil. Well, no, that’s not what’s happening at all. Remember that your mind does not care about morality, so it never does things just to get a thrill from “being bad.”  Your mind’s top priority is keeping you safe, so most of what it does is driven by positive motivations which have something to do with trying to protect you from harm.  This is what’s happening in your case.  Your mind is trying to protect you from what it considers to be a terrible threat to your safety.  But since your subconscious’ preferred language is one of symbolic imagery, it often takes a bit of effort to decipher what it is saying. 

To correctly diagnose these situations, I need a lot of information.  Paying attention to the little details is a critical part of interpreting what a subconscious is trying to say.  Every mind has its own distinct personality, so what your mind will be communicating through a certain porn addiction can be very different than what another mind would be saying.  Since I have very limited information to work with, I’m going to give you an example of a diagnosis that would fit well with what you’re experiencing.  The example I give may or may not be an exact fit for your situation, but I want you to pay attention to the logical mechanics at work here, because you can then use those same mechanics to further analyze your situation. 

Whenever you’re trying to identify the true cause of a porn addiction, the first thing to pay attention to is your arousal response.  The kinds of images that give you the strongest, most intense arousal response are the ones you should analyze first, while you set the others aside.  That difference in arousal is caused by how well your mind feels the images are a good match for what it’s trying to say.

Suppose you say something in English to a person who struggles to understand English.  They then rephrase what you said to verify that they understood you correctly.  When you hear that their rephrasing of your statement is completely wrong, you feel frustrated, so you shake your head and try again.  They listen to you, then once again offer a summary of what you said to check if they are understanding you correctly.  On the second try, they are starting to get it, but they’re still missing some critical points.  You feel encouraged about the progress being made, so you try to explain a third time, again adjusting your words to try to be more clear.  On their third effort to understand you, they get it right.  They finally understand what you were communicating.  What a relief.

The relief you feel in finally breaking through the language barrier is the same relief your mind feels when it finally comes across porn images that do a very good job of saying what it wants to say.  In addictions like yours, the images you watch are symbolic, and they are usually perceived by your mind as reenactments of things that happened to you in real life. But remember, your mind adores symbolism, metaphors, and surrealism. It even prefers these methods of communication over direct communication.  

Your reaction to your addiction indicates you’ve never experienced someone smearing you with poo in real life.  Because that exact event did not happen to you in the past, your soul is immediately mystified by your reaction to it.  This is because your soul does not share your mind’s obsession with symbolism, nor does it understand most of what your mind says when it talks that way.  When your mind wants your soul to easily understand it, your mind adjusts its natural language to be less mysterious.  But when your mind is talking to itself, or when it wants to keep your soul out of the loop, then it acts secretive on purpose.

Now suppose you are walking outside and you’re feeling very physically cold due to a lack of warm layers and being stuck in the path of an icy wind.  If I were to ask you to describe how you feel, you could choose a clear, verbal statement like, “I feel very cold right now.”  But to your subconscious, words do a very poor job of communicating your internal feelings.  If your subconscious had its way, it would project an image of a cartoon character who is shivering, blue, and covered with icicles.

Notice how there are no words included with this image, yet you instantly understand its meaning. How do you understand it so instantly without any written guidance?  Through mental associations. This image is counting on the fact that your subconscious already associates the blue skin and small icicles with the concept of being physically cold.  It assumes that your mind will correctly interpret the squiggly little lines around the character’s body as an indication that he is physically shivering.  It is your vast archive of mental associations that make this image a highly efficient communication tool.  But if you didn’t have the right set of mental associations already available to draw on, you wouldn’t understand what this image means at all.  You would just see some random, freaky looking blue guy with issues.

Both your mind and your soul possess their own massive databases of these kinds of associations.  When your soul sees scat porn, its databank of associations cause it to instantly associate those images and activities with extremely negative concepts like perverse, immoral, disgusting, wrong, abuse, sin, guilt, shame. Notice the emphasis on morality

When your subconscious looks at the same images, it runs them through a very different kind of database, and it comes up with very different matches.  Humiliation, powerless, degradation, trapped, pain, fear would be common links here.  Notice the focus on personal safety and danger.  Your mind is also going to associate the images with specific peoplereal people that you have had interactions with in the past. 

In deviant porn addictions, at least one of the characters in the film typically symbolizes you to your mind.  This is the character that you will find yourself focusing on and empathizing with the most as you watch the film.  In deviant porn films, there is often a clear victim and abuser.  When you find yourself focusing the most on the victim character (which in your case would be the female who is getting smeared), your mind will usually perceive that film to be a symbolic reenactment of some kind of abuse that you received in real life. 

In cases where you find yourself primarily focused on the abuser instead (the female doing the smearing), there is a different agenda going on.  In some cases, your mind is trying to understand the motivations of your real life abuser by studying a character who symbolizes that person.  In other cases, your mind is trying to figure out if it could find relief from stress by abusing other people the way that you were abused.  In this second scenario, it is studying the abusive character as a potential symbol of yourself.  Depending on what your mind’s core temperament is, it can respond to this kind of analysis with interest or panic. Typically a passive temperament will respond with panic, while an aggressive one is more likely to respond with interest or a sense of relief.  These differences are caused by the underlying logic being used. 

Passive minds instinctively respond to threats by pulling inward, while aggressive minds instinctively respond by lashing out. (see Freezing vs. Fighting: Two Strategic Responses to Assault). Since abusing someone else is a lashing out activity, an aggressive mind that has felt stripped of power in the past can feel very attracted to the idea of restoring its sense of power by getting a turn at being the abuser.  But since passive minds naturally feel very uncomfortable with lashing out, they can find the idea of abusing someone else exhausting and risky, instead of calming and empowering.

Now it’s important to realize that when minds are feeling extremely stressed, they can easily make errors in judgment.  Sexually assaulting someone is often a desperate attempt to reclaim a sense of power by the one doing the assaulting.  That person’s mind usually has an aggressive temperament. But once the assault occurs, the attacker ends up feeling worse instead of better.  Yet because their core temperament causes them to feel that lashing out is their best chance of reducing stress, they get caught in a “damned if I do, damned if I don’t” situation in which they feel compelled to keep assaulting others, yet they also feel increasingly worse each time they do (see Understanding Sex Offenders: The Logic Behind Fear Based Attacks). 

Now while what I’ve just explained can make aggressives look rather bad, realize that both temperaments have strengths and weaknesses. Aggressives are an invaluable asset in many situations, and we’d be in a royal mess if all aggressives disappeared from the planet. In this world, both temperaments are needed to balance each other out. While aggressives are often the ones behind the dramatic, shocking crimes, passives can be just as destructive in the kind of abuse they dish out. So this isn’t a case of good vs. bad. Both temperaments have major assets, and both have the capacity to act quite monstrous if they become too stressed.

Now I’m going to assume that you identify most with the victim in your films.  Since the victim typically symbolizes you to your mind, why does your mind feel a female character is a better fit for you than a male?  Remember that the details here are highly symbolic.  To decipher how your mind is interpreting these films, think about the concepts of female. What kinds of words come to your mind?  Forget about the current political climate and the associations that other people are trying to get you to make with the term female.  What do you really associate with the concept of female?  How about words like weaker, vulnerable, and victim?

There are certain differences between males and females that will never go away, no matter how much we try to pretend they don’t exist.  Physical strength is one of those differences.  An average man with an average build will always be physically stronger than an average woman.  This is due to how God has designed the two anatomies, and how He’s distributed the muscles.  Since you are a male, you are intrinsically aware of the anatomical edge that you have over women.  In your eyes, women are physically weaker.  It’s not an insult, it’s a biological fact.  And because they are weaker, they are easy to physically overpower.  Once you can pin someone down, you can do all kinds of nasty things to them, which is why women are generally easier to assault than men. 

Now once you pick up on this reality about women, your mind stores that information in its database for future use.  As you form more associations with the concept of female, your mind adds to its understanding of what a female is.  Pretty soon you have enough associations to feel that some activities and experiences are distinctly female. Wearing a skirt, for example, would make you feel like you’re acting like a woman, because only females where skirts (yes, I know there are some manly men sporting kilts out there, but that isn’t exactly a mainstream fashion).  Putting on a bra would feel wrong for a guy to do because only women wear bras.  Are you seeing how logical this is?  It makes perfect sense that your mind forms strong links between certain kinds of activities and experiences and certain genders.

Now for many men, being sexually assaulted makes them feel like they were being treated “like a girl.”  This is because females are generally viewed as the natural prey in this area, not males.  Be aware that I’m only talking about common stereotypes here, and stereotypes are often wrong.  In real life, a ton of males are being assaulted every day.  Yet despite this being true, a lot of men feel like it’s invalid for them to say “I’ve been raped” because “that’s only something that happens to females.”  This is the power of mental associations: right or wrong, they have a powerful influence on the way we feel and the way we interpret what happens to us.

In your case, we see your mind latching onto imagery that it feels is doing a particularly good job of symbolically portraying some nasty experience (or experiences) that you’ve had in real life.  The fact that you are experiencing sexual arousal when watching these things, instead of just experiencing emotional arousal, strongly indicates that whatever crummy thing originally happened to you involved what you interpreted as a form of sexual violation. 

It is your personal interpretation of an experience that defines how it affects you, not the motivations of others.  There are many times in life when we believe someone is acting malicious towards us when they really aren’t.  Once we believe we are being viciously attacked, our minds fly into emergency alert mode and try to defend us as well as they can.  If those efforts utterly fail—as is often the case in sexual assault situations—our minds get stuck in panic mode.  They feel immensely distressed not only by what was done to us but also by the fact that we were unable to protect ourselves from harm. 

Now again, you are a male, and yet your mind is casting you as a female.  This is a significant detail that should not be ignored, but we also need to not jump to false conclusions, either.  Transsexualism typically involves an obsession with anatomical parts—especially the private areas (penis, vagina, breasts, etc.)  You find yourself feeling intensely repulsed by some of your body’s physical features, and you feel a desperate desire to somehow remove those features and replace them with features that would help you pass yourself off as the opposite gender.  This is a very complex issue that can express itself in many ways. But if this is what you were struggling with, you would find yourself intensely uncomfortable with being male, and you’d also find yourself viewing females as the superior gender. 

Your mind’s enthusiasm for casting a female in both the abuser and victim roles does not support a diagnosis of transsexualism.  If you were transsexual as well as addicted to scat porn, you would likely find yourself drawn to films in which the powerful figure (the abuser) is female, yet the victim is male.  This casting would reinforce your mind’s belief that female is the dominant, preferrable gender, while male is the dislikable, unfortunate choice.

Instead what we find in your case is your mind casting you as female in order to underscore how vulnerable, powerless and degraded you felt at the time you were being assaulted. Instead of being treated like the dominant, more powerful gender that you naturally are, you were treated as inferior, weak, and vulnerable.  In other words, you were treated “like a girl,” so your mind is now casting you that way on purpose.

The fact that your mind wants a female to symbolize your original abuser is probably an attempt to correctly match what that abuser’s gender was in real life.  In addictions like this, videos that give you the strongest arousal reaction are the ones which your minds feel are giving the most accurate portrayal of what really happened to you.  Since the imagery is heavily symbolic, and since the symbolism being used is based on your mind’s association database (not your soul’s), your soul naturally fails to see the parallels between the gross images and your actual life.  Your soul then writes the whole thing off as a pointless, perverse activity and starts to worry that you are some irredeemable evil yuck.  But of course that is not the case at all.  There is a natural language barrier between these two elements, and when your mind is being intentionally cagey and refusing to explain itself in a way that your soul can understand, your soul reacts by filling in the silence with its own wrong assumptions.  You then experience spiritual panic, followed by spiritual despair.  

Any time one of your elements (mind, body or soul) crashes into despair, the whole system is thrust into a crisis.  Identifying which element is crashing (in your case, your soul) is a vital first step in calming things down.  The second step is to help the despairing element stop feeling despaired by giving it a cause for hope. In your case, the fastest way to do that is to help your soul reassess what’s happening with you and the porn.  This is not evidence that you’re just some depraved scumbag.  This is your mind trying to sort out its distress about real events that have happened to you in the past—events which caused you to feel powerless, degraded, and demeaned by another human.  That other human probably felt immensely powerful and unstoppable to you at the time, so you felt like you had no option but to stand there and endure.  It is entirely reasonable that your super protective mind would find such an experience immensely upsetting and obsession worthy.  It is admirable that your mind is working so hard at trying to understand what happened to you so that it can construct better defenses—defenses that won’t fail should that same terrible event occur again in the future.

Future attacks are a very common fear in cases like this.  Because your mind probably didn’t see the first attack coming, it fears that it will be ambushed again in the future.  So there is a desperate need to prepare. If you were military officer, how would you prepare for a new attack on your base?  You would study the previous attack.  You would analyze the enemy’s behavior, examine their approach, and try to get inside their heads.  You’d then analyze your own defenses, looking for weaknesses that would be easy to breach. You’d also try to think outside of the box and come up with new kinds of defenses that you might try to install. This is exactly what your mind is doing when it watches the porn.  In fact, these are its only purposes in watching the porn.  This isn’t a form of entertainment; it’s prepping for war.  This isn’t about getting sexual release, it’s about protecting yourself from future sexual assault. 

For which of these noble intentions do you think your mind deserves to die?

Do you see how different things become once you start to understand what your mind is really doing?  Yes, the porn is utterly foul.  But your mind’s motivations for watching it are actually very good.  It’s trying to learn.  It’s trying to plan.  It’s trying to improve.  The reason you are watching it so often is because your mind is trying so hard to reach its positive goals.  So let’s not punish it, let’s help it out. 

I realize that pedophilia isn’t part of your issue, but my book for pedophiles contains in-depth analysis exercises that will help you pinpoint which real life events are triggering all of the panic that your mind is now trying to sort out by watching scat porn.  The book is very educational, and while I discuss pedophilia quite a bit, I also discuss a wide range of other issues.  The examples I use in the book are not solely focused on pedophiliac desires.  In real life, pedophilia often comes paired with other problems, such as bestiality and sadomasochism.  Since the book covers a broad range of topics, and since the analysis exercises are an excellent match for deviant porn addicts, I feel you would be very benefitted by working through the exercises and learning more about how your mind works. 

This post was written in response to D.