Why Am I So Drawn to Tween Boys?

READER CAUTION: This post contains graphic descriptions of sexual assault aimed at very young children. Unless you feel these topics are relevant to your own situation, I advise you to skip this post to avoid unnecessary stress.

Details are critical in sorting these things out, and you did a great job providing a lot of detailed information. Age is also a very important factor because it helps us narrow down a timeframe for when your subconscious first became upset, as well as how its distress has intensified over time.

In your case, we see you feeling sexually aroused by smells when you were around age 5. This indicates we are dealing with a traumatic event (or series of events) which occurred prior to that age. Given the other details you provided and the fact that you seem to have no recall of what happened, it sounds to me like your mind felt you were being sexually assaulted at a very young age–possibly even during infancy. Contrary to popular belief, the subconscious is fully online and actively monitoring your experiences during the infant years, which is why you can become severely traumatized by events that happen to you during that period. Normally we don’t walk around with a bunch of infant memories being readily accessible because when nothing traumatic happens, the subconscious buries those memories into its archives and doesn’t consider them worth rifling through as it progresses forward. But when there are traumatic events that happen to us as babies, a different response occurs. The subconscious keeps the traumatic memory files accessible (while archiving other baby memories) and it starts reviewing those memories over and over as it tries to sort out what happened.

What’s challenging about such early life traumas is that the subconscious will often decide to completely block the conscious and soul from accessing those trauma memory files during the childhood years. When you are a child, you are extremely vulnerable and very dependent on adults to care for you. In many cases of very early life traumas, people are involved in the trauma who the subconscious sees as critical providers. To try to keep your system calm, it blocks your conscious and soul from accessing its traumatic memory files. This blocking prevents your other elements from associating primary caregivers and other inescapable people as a threat to your safety, and that prevents a ton of stress and fear. But while it is blocking its partner elements from what it considers to be dangerous memory files, your subconscious is secretly analysing those files to try to find a way to resolve its distress over their contents. As that analytical process plays out, “bizarre” symptoms surface which you feel you can’t make any sense of at the time. Those surfacing symptoms give us important clues about what might have happened, and I will show you how to do that kind of analysis in this post.

Any time you have a stressful life experience, your subconscious automatically flags certain aspects of that experience as extra significant. These flags function like the tags that you see people using on forums like Twitter and Facebook (and like I use at the end of my posts). When you click on such tags, a bunch of material is instantly pulled up–material which is supposed to be related the tag that you chose. A similar process occurs with your subconscious. When one of its memory tags gets triggered, it instantly pulls up memory files that it feels are relevant to that subject. For example, if you become traumatized by a dog viciously attacking you as a child, then from that point on, whenever you see a dog, the memory tag of “dog” will be triggered and your subconscious will immediately pull up the memory of you being attacked in the past. It will then go on red alert and you will find yourself feeling very anxious until you physically distant yourself from the dog. Once the dog is out of sight, your subconscious will slowly come down off of red alert, and stop focusing on its “dog” files.

When children who have not yet reached puberty start obsessing over sexual arousal, they are in a state of psychological trauma. Whatever happened to them has resulted in their minds forming a memory tag of “sexual interaction”. But trauma memories have many tags, not just one. In your case, we see your mind reacting to two tags when you were five: sexual arousal and bodily odours. Once we realize that these things are memory tags, and that the memory they are linked to is highly stressful, we can appreciate why your mind is obsessing. Remember this principle: when there is stress, minds obsess. An obsession with bodily odours is not normal behavior for a five-year-old. An obsession goes far beyond normal curiosity. Under normal circumstances, five-year-olds neither know nor care about what sex is. Yet with you we see an abnormal fascination with both sex and odours. More importantly, we see that the odours are triggering the sexual interest (not the other way around).

Paying attention to how trauma tags interact with each other is an important step in understanding what your mind is upset about. In cases of sexual assault, the victim is existing in a certain environment, then the assault occurs. When the victim’s mind tags these memory files, it highlights aspects of the environment, then links those aspects to the assault experience. For you, your mind is indicating that it first noticed significant body odours, then you were assaulted. The body odours could have been produced by you or your attacker. If your pattern is to feel sexually aroused by other people’s odours, then the original odours were likely produced by your attacker. If the odours had been produced by you (for example, from a poopy diaper), then you’d probably be experiencing stress whenever you found yourself going to the toilet and noticing strong smells from your own bodily waste.

So far, here is the logic we see surfacing when you were five:

It is the sexual arousal factor that tells us you were being touched in a way that you didn’t like during the original trauma. But there are many kinds of trauma that involve unwanted touch and they don’t all have sexual associations. Physical torture, for example, is an extremely traumatic experience which can cause a person to develop all kinds of panic symptoms when he is around certain objects that remind his subconscious of the original trauma. But in your case, we see a strong and consistent theme of sexual arousal. What makes a negative touch sexual is when privates are involved. Here is where we can add another element to our diagram.

When trying to diagnose root causes of trauma, it’s important to move slowly and focus on trying to follow the logic your mind is using. Don’t try to leap ahead or insert your own assumptions. Only deal with the clues your mind is actually providing.

At this point all we know is that something very stressful happened to you prior to age 5, and your mind strongly links that something with bodily odours and sexual interaction.

Let’s now move forward in time to the next clue:

Also, there’s this issue of me getting aroused by pets. Since I was about 13 yo, whenever I pet and/or cuddle a cat or dog, I get an erection. It’s like whatever is cuddly and cute excites me for some reason.

It is your own summarization that is giving us a vital clue about what the cats and dogs are symbolizing to your mind: something that is cuddly and cute. What is cuddly and cute in a very young child’s world? Plush toys (stuffed dogs, bears, etc.). Once again notice the sequence: first you interact with the cuddly thing, then you become sexually aroused. This gives us another tag that we can add to our diagram.

By age 13, puberty is in full swing and your sex drive is coming fully online. Prior to puberty, the body is not interested in sex. In young children, sexual obsessions are always driven by a stressed out subconscious; they are not driven by biological need. Because the subconscious has enormous sway over the body, it can easily cause your penis to become erect when you cuddle a dog. When you observe that reaction, you naturally think it’s your body responding to the dog, when in reality your body is not expressing any interested in the dog; it’s just reacting to pressure from your subconscious.

There is a big difference between biological arousal and psychological arousal. Prior to puberty, biological arousal isn’t happening because your body’s sex drive has not yet been activated. But in sexual trauma cases, psychological arousal can start happening, and because most people don’t understand the mechanics I’m explaining here, there’s a common belief that it’s “normal” for some kids to express a strong interest in sex, when it’s actually an indication of severe psychological stress.

Now in your case, the general subject of sexual arousal was already strongly linked to severe psychological stress before you reached puberty. When you went through puberty and the body’s sex drive came online, suddenly your body began expressing a biological interest in sexual stimulation. Your body and subconscious have a very close relationship with each other, and that relationship has a rather parental dynamic. As you go throughout the day, your body communicates its needs to your subconscious and your subconscious helps those needs get met by giving various instructions to your other elements. It’s a fascinating process that I won’t get into here, but suffice to say, these two elements have a very close bond.

When your subconscious is already terrified about the subject of sexual interactions and your body suddenly starts expressing an interest in having those kinds of interactions, this greatly intensifies your subconscious’ stress. It now feels even more pressured to understand what happened to you in the past so that it can understand how to protect you in future sexual interactions.

In cases of psychological trauma, whenever the subconscious’ stress levels suddenly spike, we will often see a change in behavioral symptoms. In your case, we see a new stress symptom emerge at age 13: you becoming aroused by interacting with cuddly animals. When you cuddle the animals, it triggers one of your mind’s environment tags (the “something cuddly” tag), and causes its trauma memory files to be intensely focused on. This tag has always been there, but prior to age 13, your subconscious has managed to hide the effects of that tag being triggered.

It’s useful to understand that memory suppression does not cause memory tags to stop being triggered. Whenever trauma tags are triggered, the mind’s stress levels spike. In cases of severe memory suppression, the mind tries very hard to hide its stress reactions from its partner elements. It does this because it feels a strong need to protect those elements from extra stress. Because your subconscious is so influential over your entire system, your soul, body, and conscious immediately panic when they sense that your subconscious is in some kind of trouble. By hiding its own stress, your subconscious valiantly tries to prevent this domino effect from happening. The problem is that it requires immense resources to pull this off, and the more stressed your mind becomes, the less resources it has to spend on maintaining its blocks. In your case, at age 13, a dramatic change in your body’s view of sex added a ton of extra pressure to your subconscious. As a result, your subconscious had to reallocate its resources, and it was no longer able to hide its stress reaction to you interacting with cuddly things.

Attacker Tags

Now in cases of assault, your mind will always form tags about the person who assaulted you. Usually some of those tags will have to do with your attacker’s physical features. In your case, we see that your mind is fixating on the issue of skin colour. Notice how your mind is always directing you towards boys who are lighter-skinned than you. The fact that it is highlighting skin colour as a significant trauma detail indicates that your original attacker was lighter than you.

In cases of sexual assault (real or perceived), your mind will usually look for ways to create symbolic re-enactments of what happened to you so that it can get a fresh perspective on how it might resolve its distress. In your case, your subconscious is creating it’s own re-enactment fantasies in which it depicts you interacting with boys who have a lighter shade of skin. We can surmise that the skin colour element is very likely being pulled from your original molester since it’s clearly not your own skin colour and since your mind is treating it as such an important detail. If your mind was not making a big deal about skin colour (for example, if it showed you interacting with boys with a variety of colours), then we would not have a basis for identifying at least one of your original attacker’s physical features. But the consistency of your mind’s behaviour and it’s insistence that the colour issue be matched indicates that it is trying to match the boy characters with how it recalls your attacker looked in real life. Trying to match features like this is a very common practice among traumatized minds.

Now it sounds like the boys themselves are playing dual roles. By that I mean that they don’t seem to be consistently representing either you or your molester. Instead, we see your mind trying to assign them a variety of roles. Let’s dig into this a bit further so I can show you what I mean.

Elements of Assault

Assault experiences come in a wide variety. So far we’ve been focusing on details that your mind has observed about the original environment (which included something cuddly), and your molester (who smelled bad and had lighter skin than you). Next there is the issue of exactly how your attacker interacted with you. Your subconscious has already tagged aspects of that experience as well, and in your descriptions, we find it dropping several clues about what originally happened to you.

To start, it’s clear that your mind is definitely not interested in themes of violence, but it does want a mild element of force and a ton of fondling. Let’s look at the clues we can pick up based on the following comments:

 My mind is drawing me to want to worship tween boys – quite literally from head to toe. This is especially true for boys of a different “race” than me.

Here we see that your mind wants to match the skin colour of the boys to the skin colour of your molester. What you’re calling “worship” is really a form of intense obsession. To your mind, your original molester has become an extremely confusing figure who your mind feels it must de-mystify so that it can do a better job of identifying when you are in danger in the future. The desperate need to understand your molester’s behavior towards you is causing this obsession with anyone who symbolizes that person to your mind.

An ideal scenario for me would be one in which I’m being *gently* dominated by a boy of another, preferably lighter-skinned, “race.” I need him to be gentle and caring. I really don’t want any pain involved in the situation whatsoever so no BDSM.

Your mind’s strong aversion to BDSM and pain themes is due to those elements wrecking its re-enactments. In the original trauma, your molester was not violently hurting you. Instead, it sounds like he was forcing you in a way that did not cause injury or pain (note that if you were a baby, not much force would be needed to get you into the positions he wanted).

Clues About Gender

Now when it comes to identifying the gender of your attacker, we always need to start with an open mind and wait for your mind to offer clues. Sometimes minds will go to great lengths to hide the gender of the person who was involved in an assault experience. But in your case, we have several indications that your molester was male. One of the strongest indications of this is how your mind has altered your own sex drive to push you in a bisexual direction. In the absence of trauma, you would be straight, because that is the natural wiring for humans. But when you are a male and another male gets sexual with you, that results in immense confusion and an obsession with trying to sort out what happened. Since re-enacting the original trauma is a key way that your mind tries to sort things out, it sometimes considers it very logical and practical to revise your natural sex drive so that you will be also attracted to the males who represent your molester. But don’t miss this critical point: yes, you’re bisexual, but notice that you’re not interested in just any male. Instead, you are only interested in males that your mind feels represent key characters in your trauma (yourself or your molester).

Labels like bisexual and homosexual are often viewed as broad, sweeping generalizations. In other words, a bisexual man might think of himself as interested in any woman or man while a homosexual man might think of himself as interested in any other man. But this is not how it actually works. Altering the body’s normal sex drive is always an effort to resolve severe psychological trauma. Where there is psychological trauma, there is always an obsession with certain aspects of that traumatic event. So the partners that we seek out are not chosen at random. Instead, our minds will strategically steer us towards partners who it feels will help it resolve its distress.

Today you view yourself as bisexual because you’re trying to account for why you’re sexually drawn towards males. But what’s really happening is you are sexually obsessing over partners who symbolize the people involved in your original trauma. Contrary to how people typically view bisexuality, you’re not equally interested in a broad range of males and females. You’re only interested in females plus certain select males who align with your mind’s trauma tags. The fact that you are so picky about the males disqualifies you as being truly bisexual. If we want to be more accurate, we’d say you are straight with a trauma-driven obsession with certain male targets.

Bisexuality is essentially a mild form of homosexuality. Homosexuality is always caused by the mind tagging gender as a significant aspect of a traumatic experience (but note that many cases of homosexuality are not caused by sexual traumas). In your case, we see your mind adding to your natural sex drive instead of suppressing it. In cases of homosexuality, the natural sex drive is often being strongly suppressed. It still exists, but the subconscious does not allow it to run normally because it views heterosexual relations as a major threat to the person’s safety. Remember that no matter what your mind is doing to your sex drive and sexual appetites, its underlying motivation is to protect you.

Now in your case, your mind doesn’t feel a need to fully suppress your natural attraction to women. The fact that your mind is not acting threatened by females is another indication that your molester was not female. But we can only assume this because we also have the bisexual element present. The fact that your subconscious is altering your natural sex drive indicates that it considers gender to be an important factor in your original trauma.

Looking for patterns is an important step in diagnosing. In your case we have a pattern of three factors that help us conclude that your molester was male. Those factors are as follows:

  • Your mind is spending precious resources overriding your natural sex drive so that your body will feel aroused by other males. This indicates that your mind considers gender to be an important trauma tag.
  • Your mind is allowing your natural heterosexual drive to still be active, which indicates it is not threatened by you having intimate relations with female partners.
  • As it pushes you to set up trauma re-enactments, your mind is very consistent in partnering you with male figures, indicating that it feels they better represent your original molester than females.

In your case, if you were not bisexual, we would have to be more cautious in drawing conclusions here. Combinations matter. We don’t just look at a single clue, we look at all of the clues your mind is providing and we look for common themes. Minds will often consider gender to be an important issue, but there are many ways they can go from there. Not all gender focused minds end up revising the body’s sex drive. Trauma cases are complex and have endless variation, so every case needs to be analysed separately and without a bunch of assumptions about how the mind must behave. Every mind has its own personality, its own logic, and its own set of emergency responses. In your case, I would say that we have enough clues being given to feel pretty confident that your molester was male. This is not always the case. Stressed out minds tend to be highly secretive, and we can only work with the information they are ready to share.

The Goal of Attraction

So why is your mind spending so much effort on making you feel sexually attracted to other males? By driving you towards sexual interactions with other males, your mind feels it can more easily stage the re-enactments that it wants to do. If your original molester was a male who was fondling you all over, than getting another male in real life to fondle you would feel like a good opportunity to analyse what originally happened to you.

Now at this point, I need to emphasize that although these re-enactment efforts seem like good ideas to your mind, they actually make things worse in real life. Not all of your mind’s ideas are good ones, and trauma re-enactments are a classic case of minds making very bad judgment calls. Even if you could get the perfect symbol of your original molester to molest you all over again, you would end up feeling worse, not better.

While re-enactments can be helpful therapy tools in some cases, trauma re-enactments are often very destructive, because they tend to reinforce traumatic beliefs instead of reversing them. In cases of severe trauma (which is the kind you’re dealing with), re-enactments can even become dangerous. Think of it like this: your mind was so devastated by your original trauma that even after all of this time, it is unable to cope. Instead of getting better, we see it’s stress intensifying. If we were to then force you to relive an experience that crippled your mental health, what is likely to happen? You will become even more psychologically injured.

What is the best way for a man to recover from being hit by a car? Should he keep throwing his body in front of moving vehicles? Is that strategy going to help him recover from his wounds? No, it’s going to give him even more wounds until one day he’ll be so battered that he won’t be able to move at all.

Passive temperaments tend to view trauma re-enactment as a way to “acclimate” to intolerable experiences. The logic here is that “if I can just learn to like this hideous thing, then it won’t be able to harm me the way it did the first time.” The problem is that God has designed humans with certain unchangeable limitations on what they can “learn to like.” It is impossible for you to train yourself to enjoy being sexually coerced. I know it doesn’t feel that way right now because your mind is currently putting all of its hopes into this one basket. But this approach will not work. It never works, but it is still something that many minds try out of desperation and because they don’t see a better alternative. The goal for you is to introduce your mind to a better way of resolving its distress–one that will actually help, not make you feel even worse.

Rather than re-enact, what you need to do is identify what negative core beliefs your mind has formed based on what happened to you. It is the beliefs that are killing you, not the actual experience. Forcing your self to relive the experience over and over will make the beliefs worse, and since they are the real problem, you don’t want to do things that will make them worse. To learn more about how to identify core beliefs, see Practical Steps for Correcting Traumatic Beliefs.

Symbolic Boys

Let’s look closer at this pedophilia symptom. In pedophilia, the child target usually represents the pedophile himself at the time that he was originally traumatized. But remember that trauma cases have infinite variation, so there are exceptions to every rule. For some pedophiles, the child target actually represents his original abuser (this is more likely to occur when the original abuser was a child at the time of the assault). In still other cases, the mind can attach multiple meanings to the child target. What is consistent in every case of pedophilia is that the child target is symbolic to the mind, and is chosen based on how well he/she matches the mind’s various trauma tags.

Now if your mind was trying to steer you towards child targets who represented yourself at the time of your trauma, you would probably find yourself fighting a very strong urge to molest babies or very young children. We know that your trauma occurred before the age of 5, so if your mind is trying to match your own age (which is very common in pedophilia), it would steer you towards child targets who look to be around the age you were at the time you were molested.

In your case, we see your mind pushing you towards tween boys instead. In some cases of pedophilia, the mind will focus on child targets that still represent the pedophile himself, only those children will be a different age (typically older) than the pedophile was when he was traumatized. I won’t get into the complicated reasons for why minds jump around on the age issue, because I don’t think that’s what’s happening with you. In your case, I think we do have an age match happening, only it is the age of your attacker instead of your own age at the time of the attack.

Since your mind is clearly linking these boys to your original molester by depicting them as lighter skinned, smelly, and in the power position during their interactions with you, it is quite probable that your original molester was a boy around 10-14 years old. When minds try to match ages, they base their matches on general looks, not actual facts, especially when the true age of the assaulter isn’t known. If your mind was strongly and consistently treating the boys as symbols of you, we would not be able to make a guess as to the age of your molester based on the information you shared. But the fact that today you are much older than the boys you are obsessing over shows us that your mind has locked onto the tween age range as being significant. Since it is clearly trying to assign these fantasy boys your molester’s skin colour, body odour, and non-violent mannerisms, it is reasonable to surmise that it is likely basing their age on the apparent age of your real life molester.

Mixed Metaphors

Now in your descriptions, you make comments that indicate your mind is sometimes using the tween boys to symbol both yourself and your molester. Notice the language you use here:

I always find myself intensely drawn to the innocence of the boy, fawning over how adorable and vulnerable he is. I feel somewhat protective of him too.

The feelings you describe here are actually a picture of how your subconscious perceived you at the time you were molested. It viewed you as being very vulnerable and it wanted to protect you. It felt very loyal and affectionate towards you. Today, it is rerouting those feelings towards child targets as it contemplates its own grief over what happened to you. In essence, it’s trying to vent: to talk about how crushed it feels by the terrible thing that happened to you.

Your subconscious is devoted to you from right from the start. It also has its own way of determining when you are being mistreated. Your subconscious’ top priority is keeping you safe. From the beginning, your subconscious recognizes that your private parts are some of your body’s most delicate and vulnerable zones. Because of this, your subconscious is extra guarded over those areas of your body. When someone starts groping your privates when you are very young, your subconscious closely monitors the way they are touching you. When it determines that they are touching you excessively, roughly, or for no practical reason, it decides you are being grossly violated and that conclusion is what starts the panic. The point is that no one has to explain to you what “molesting” is. Your subconscious has its own definitions of things like molestation, rape, and inappropriate touch. Once your subconscious decides that you have been sexually violated, it doesn’t give a darn about how other people label what happened to you. It considers its own labels to be superior and its own labels are what it reacts to.

I explained that because I want you to see that there is a lot of room for someone with no malicious intentions to simply be trying to play with you when you are very small, not realizing that they are crossing some of your subconscious’ boundaries about when you are being touched too much. In other words, the person who your subconscious currently views as your molester might not have tried to molest you. It’s also just as possible that they were trying to molest you (and if they were, it would be due to them trying to resolve their own psychological stress). I’m using the term molester because that is how your mind sees things; but the term implies negative motivations which may or may not have been present, and that is worth noting.

Since your mind’s own labels are the ones that create all of the stress, those are the labels we need to focus on. We’ve already discussed how your mind is expressing feelings about other boys that it really feels towards you. In cases of memory suppression, it is extremely common for minds to reroute like this: choosing other people as safe targets for expressing what they actually feel about their own systems. There is strategy behind this kind of rerouting, with one of the main strategies being protecting your conscious and soul from realizing what’s really going on.

When it feels it has failed to protect you from severe harm (and all sexual violation is considered severe), your subconscious is deeply grieved. If it were to actually start expressing that grief out loud without trying to pretend it’s really thinking of someone other than you, your other elements would become extremely alarmed. This is why we find your subconscious trying to vent some of its grief over failing you while pretending to be focusing on other boys. Does your subconscious really care so much about total strangers? No. You are the only one your mind is devoted to. Other people are far less important to it.

Let’s move on to another comment you made. In this comment, we see your mind clearly viewing the tween boys as symbols of your molester instead of symbols of you.

An ideal scenario for me would be one in which I’m being *gently* dominated by a boy of another, preferably lighter-skinned, “race.”

How do we know the boy in this fantasy represents your molester? Because he is dominating you, not the other way around. Also notice how your mind depicts a boy with lighter skin in order to match its skin colour trauma tag.

There are also elements of oral stimulation and olfactophilia (I’m stimulating him orally, he’s not stimulating me — unless he wants to.)

Here notice how it is the boy who receives the “benefit” of stimulation, while you are the one having to provide it. In your mind’s ideal re-enactment fantasy, the sensual pleasure is one-sided, which is further evidence that the boy in this fantasy represents your molester, not you. But notice how in the fantasy, you have a mindset of, “He can do whatever he wants to me; I won’t draw any boundaries.” In the original trauma, you would have felt that you were being used as a tool by someone else, and that you had no option to limit what that person might choose to do to you. Notice how, despite your young age, your subconscious registered that someone was trying to use your body to benefit themselves and it immediately identified who was in the power position.

It’s very possible that the oral stimulation element is being included in this mental fantasy because your original molester involved your mouth in some of his antics (for example, by inserting his penis into your mouth). Notice how your mind includes the smell factor (olfactophilia refers to becoming sexually aroused by bodily odours, especially odours from the genitals). In real life, if someone was shoving his penis into your mouth, you would be very likely to notice strong odours, as the groin area tends to be pretty smelly. If you feel that you have always preferred (been more aroused by) groin/butt odours than, say, feet and armpit odours, that would support the theory that your molester did orally rape you, which would rule out the possibility of innocent intentions on his part. Rape doesn’t have to be violent; it can be done delicately, and if you’re trying to avoid having a child start screaming, gentle is more prudent. But rape is still rape, and any form of rape is a horrific violation which results in severe psychological distress.

Now there are many ways for two males to sexually interact with each other, and we wouldn’t have enough evidence to assume a situation of oral rape if it weren’t for this comment:

 Ideally there’s no anal-genital penetration involved in these fantasies.

This is your subconscious describing it’s ideal trauma re-enactment. In this situation, the things your mind says it doesn’t want are as informative as the things it says it does want. In your case, we have a very specific picture emerging of what likely happened to you: you were heavily groped and fondled all over, then your molester probably put his penis in your mouth and attempted to use you to stimulate himself. It’s very likely that he did not attempt any form of anal penetration, given that your mind is rejecting such images as being unhelpful for its re-enactments.

Motivations

When you are steeped in trauma yourself, it’s easy to lose touch with the horror of what was done to you. Sexual assault is one of the vilest things humans can do to each other and it is always horrific. When children are involved, things only become more abhorrent. So why would someone do this to you?

In a case like yours, your molester would have assaulted you in a desperate attempt to relieve his own psychological anguish, which would have been immense. Like you, his mind would be obsessed with trying to create a re-enactment of what happened to him, meaning that he was likely assaulted himself in a similar manner at least once, but perhaps many times. It’s also possible that he was still being actively abused by someone at the time he abused you. Does the fact that your molester was in agony himself reduce the horror of what he did to you? No, but it is beneficial to your own healing process to learn to see your attacker as a hurting human being instead of a monster.

Pansexualism

Before we change topics, I want to address your concern about developing an interest in pansexualism. Today there are massive efforts to normalize and celebrate symptoms of severe psychological trauma, especially symptoms that are caused by the subconscious panicking over the subjects of gender and sexual attraction. All of this talk about binary and asexual humans is being driven by folks who feel a desperate psychological need to disassociate themselves from any kind of gender. While the immense internal anguish that exists in these cases should be respected, pretending that humans don’t have a gender is more than a little ludicrous.

Denial is a common defence strategy for the subconscious. When reality starts feeling unbearable, the mind will often attempt to create a false reality that it can hide out in. An obsession with imaginary friends, excessive daydreaming, and pretending you don’t have a gender are different spins of the same basic defence strategy. In trauma cases, does denial ever solve the underlying problem? No, it actually makes it worse over time, but that’s a topic for a different post. The question I have for you is if you are perhaps using the wrong term here. There really isn’t a difference between bisexualism and pansexualism, as both terms are used to describe humans who feel sexually attracted to both genders. Bear in mind that your subconscious will identify someone as male or female regardless of what they’re claiming to be. Your mind doesn’t buy the “non-gender” concept, especially once people get naked and certain anatomical realities are revealed.

Since the prefix pan is based on a Greek word that means all, I’m assuming that what you’re really concerned about is developing a sexual interest in non-human targets. Is this a risk for you?  Yes.  If you don’t start putting effort into altering your core beliefs, your mind’s stress will continue to increase.  You already have symptoms of bestiality, with certain animals triggering a fear-based sexual reaction in you.  Earlier I explained that as psychological stress rises, symptoms worsen and/or new symptoms emerge.  If you keep going like you’re going, there is a possibility that you will graduate from just becoming aroused by animals to attempting to have sex with them (which is an extremely dangerous an unhealthy activity, by the way, and one that you really don’t want to experience). 

The problem is that right now your sex drive is being focused on negative targets, meaning things that currently terrify your mind: cuddly animals (because they remind you of your trauma environment) and tween boys (because they remind you of your molester).  Right now you’re only fantasizing about the boys.  If the pressure continues to build, you could reach the point where you attempt a real-life interaction with one of them (which will likely end very badly and not go at all like you hope).  Right now you merely experience arousal when you cuddle the animals.  If the pressure continues to build, you might find yourself tempted to try penetration with one of them.  Since the animals can’t turn you in for assault, there is a possibility that you will view them as safer targets to start with, and I can guarantee you that you will feel exponentially worse about yourself if you go down that road.  The bottom line is that this is only going to go downhill unless you get proactive about helping your mind identify recovery methods that will actually help, not cause it to remain stalled.

Trauma & the Arts

Let’s now deal with your second part of your question: How does God feel about you trying to produce artwork that depicts two male characters in the midst of some form of sexual assault?

Since it’s been pretty much impossible to find an artist that produces art with the specific context I’m looking for, I’m in the process of learning character design and digital painting so I can produce my own material. I’m also thinking about doing commissions when I get good enough at it, but God still hasn’t let me know how He feels about that so I don’t know yet.

The whole commission idea is definitely something God is going to frown on. The reason is that you’re talking about monetarily profiting off of other people’s misery, and God is very much against that concept. You see, the only people who would want to pay for the kind of art you’re talking about are people who are in a state of severe psychological trauma.  Because of your current mindset, you are disconnected with the horror factor of what you’re talking about.  Boys groping boys is not a positive subject from any perspective, and it’s certainly not going to help anyone’s mental health to adorn their homes with images of humans grossly demeaning each other.

Now in real life, artistic drives are fuelled by either the subconscious or the soul.  If we were divide all of the art in the world into those two categories, we’d find that the vast majority of it was inspired by the subconscious.

Your subconscious’ primary language is a highly metaphorical and visual language.  It essentially feels that life can be far more accurately discussed when words are not involved.  While it will toss some words into the mix, it views them as a kind of enhancement, not as the main ingredient.  Imagery, sounds, colours, emotions—pretty much anything non-verbal is considered much more useful to your subconscious when it comes to expressing its own complex feelings and thoughts.

In real life, a ton of artists are in a state of psychological trauma.  This is especially true for artists that are very prolific and obsessed with constantly coming up with a new creation.  What’s happening behind the scenes in these cases is highly agitated minds are trying to vent their distress through what we would call creative activities.  But to the mind, those activities are symbolic, and that’s what makes them feel so helpful.

In cases where there is high level of stress and a risk of someone doing something harmful to themselves or others (such as you trying to get a boy to molest you or trying to rape a dog), it becomes vital to try to identify safe ways that the subconscious can vent some of its stress.  Lowering stress levels reduces the risk of harm.  Because traumatized minds often find artistic endeavours destressing, it can be very helpful for the traumatized person to express himself artistically when his mind is pressuring him to do so.  In your case, we do see your mind pressuring you to produce art that it can use to destress.  In fact, your mind is so frustrated by it’s inability to locate “suitable” artwork that it is even willing to cooperate with you trying to develop your drawing abilities just so it can get its hands on better material.  In your case, drawing for yourself can be a therapeutic activity. Selling your trauma-based imagery is just you dragging others down by adding more darkness to an already dark world.  The world is already drowning in perversion.  We really don’t need a new porn artist to add to the throng of folks who want to celebrate humans degrading each other.  What we do need is more material that will inspire us to treat each other the way God wants us to: with compassion and respect. 

In a situation like this, the first step is to recognize what’s really going on.  Your keen interest in drawing these figures is directly related to your current psychological condition.  If your condition changes, your view of art will shift as well.  Many artists make the very foolish choice to intentionally keep themselves in a state of psychological angst just so they won’t lose their “creative inspiration.”  Sacrificing your mental health so that you can try to profit off of your artwork is an extremely bad call to make. Your subconscious plays a vital role in keeping your entire system functioning well. If you leave it in a crippled state, you will eventually develop a whole host of miserable problems.  Without enough support from your mind, your physical health will deteriorate in ways that you won’t be able to fix through medications (because psychological issues must be dealt with on a psychological level).  Your soul will also become increasingly stressed and depressed.  To put it simply, it’s not a coincidence that most career artists end up having such miserable lives.  Fuelling your own trauma for the sake of your art will make it impossible for you to maintain healthy relationships with others, or even stand your own company.  So should you be threatened by the idea that recovering from your current trauma is pretty much guaranteed to kill your interest in drawing little boys?  No, you should see that as freedom.  Psychological trauma really stunts artistic ability, and makes it impossible for you to “get in the flow” unless you are focusing on very dark themes.  By resolving your trauma, you will greatly broaden your artistic options and have a chance to explore a wide variety of interests. 

This post was written in response to lilartist22.