Porn, Singleness, & Demon Cons

I’ve been reading your posts for several years and most of it has been very helpful and I’m very grateful for that. However, I do have one small request that I haven’t seen you write about in detail. I have noticed that you have written a decent number of articles stemming around “deviant porn” or basically extreme forms of pornography such as bestiality, pedophilia, BDSM and the likes. While I’m sure the people who are struggling with those burdens are quite appreciative, I suspect that the vast majority of (male) pornography consumers are probably not in those camps of individuals. I guess I’m what you would call your average “vanilla” pornography consumer. I really detest any forms of pornography that involves violence, cuckoldry, or basically any form of human degradation. This isn’t to say that pornography in and of itself isn’t degrading, but consensual sex between two people is what I prefer to watch. I even find anal sex to a bit too taboo for my tastes, but I don’t have an issue with oral sex if both partners are “very” clean, nothing is forced and both parties are enjoying themselves. I don’t want to justify my use of porn, but I have struggled with it for decades and until I came across your blog, I always felt worthless (from a spiritual perspective) due to my inability to overcome my porn addiction.

Let me start by saying that your message was extremely well written and insightful. Clearly you have been growing up, not just growing old, and to be as spiritually advanced as you are at your age is fantastic.

Given where you’re at spiritually, God might want the addiction left intact for now to keep you close and to provide a context for further spiritual lessons. From the Divine perspective, addictions are extremely useful tools for speeding up spiritual maturity, and grappling with this problem for as long as you have has undoubtedly done you far more good than you realize. Nothing helps us gain a deeper understanding of our dependency on God than being stuck with an ugly problem that we just can’t shake. While reverence, dependency and trust are all important soul attitudes, submission is the king of them all, as it is impossible to get far with God without maturing in this area. Submitting to God when He’s being slightly irritating is one thing. Submitting to Him when He is refusing to lift some major burden off of you is quite a different deal. In cases where souls are being as receptive as you are towards maturing, God will often keep some vexing issue present to enable submission to continue to develop. Remember that submission only comes up when there is a clash of wills: when what we want is different than what God wants. To develop deep submission, you need an opportunity to practice submitting to God regarding something that you strongly disagree with.

Once you understand that deepening your submission to God is directly linked to how close He will allow you to be to Him, and once you understand that you cannot create opportunities to submit on your own, then you can start to see your frustration with the porn and with being single in a very different light. By immensely frustrating you in both of these areas, God is giving you a vital opportunity to submit to Him. Notice how well you have responded to this challenge with regards to being single. Sure, there’s some bitterness, because this is an extremely painful disappointment. But look at how you’ve been able to move through the anger instead of getting permanently stalled in it. Look at how you’ve been able to settle into a new position of being willing to accept the idea of being single forever, and that you’ve decided to focus all of your efforts onto your relationship with God instead. This is epic progress. Are you really going to be single forever? I seriously doubt it, but to get the spiritual gains, God had to get you to a point where you were convinced that this was the only possibility left. He’s clearly used demons to help here, and they’ve done their usual stellar job of conning you into thinking that “all the good ones are taken.”

Now for the sake of my other readers, let me be clear on this point: there’s nothing wrong with getting married and being hopeful about getting married. But in your case, we have a very special, very rare spiritual response happening between your soul and God. Yes, God has a lot of followers, but most of them aren’t this serious about honouring Him. God has a very possessive side to His Nature and He will go to extreme lengths to protect and cultivate His dynamic with souls who are really trying to put Him first. It doesn’t surprise me at all that He’s focused on the issue of singleness with you, because finding an intimate partner who we can love and be loved by for the rest of our lives is one of our most cherished hopes as humans. When you respond to God as you have, He shifts you onto the accelerated growth track and suddenly you find all of your cherished hopes and dreams getting used as spiritual growth tools. From a human perspective, this hurts like hell. From the Divine perspective, the pain is only temporary, but the gains can be permanent, so it’s a gamble that’s worth taking. Of course this whole process only works if you remain cooperative, which you have. So now we have the classic scenario in which you feel burned out and bitter while God is feeling thrilled with how far you’ve come. If you could dial in to how He sees you right now, you’d have a very different view of all of this. But that will come in time.

Protecting Your Sex Drive

Regarding the porn issue, you’d be surprised by how many male porn addicts are in the deviant camp. Stereotypes abound on this issue, and the theory that most men have a closet porn addiction just isn’t true. Men are far too complex and varied to all get snagged on the same problem. Men struggle with a wide variety of problems and challenges. Sure, the whole visual wiring issue is a major hassle across the board, but plenty of men have too many other problems pulling at them to chase porn.

Because deviant porn addictions are fuelled by trauma, they tend to be a lot more forceful than regular porn addictions. While a regular porn addiction can feel like you’re being dragged down a road against your will, deviant porn often feels like a tsunami that comes out of nowhere and yanks you under water until you can’t breathe. It’s the sheer force of deviant porn addictions that tends to really scare people and make them desperate enough to ask for help. In the kind of porn addiction you’re grappling with, your body wants relief from sperm pressure. You’re dealing with a primarily biological push, instead of a psychological one. The soul feels disgusted by any kind of porn watching, but it’s the psychological push that makes us feel like there’s some hideous monster lurking right inside ourselves. I’m not at all minimizing your struggle here; I’m just explaining the different nuances that are common with regular versus deviant porn addictions, so you can understand why most of the people who ask me for help on this issue are struggling with the deviant kind. In regular porn addictions, there is typically only one element (the soul) feeling distressed, and the distress can range from mild to extreme. In deviant porn addictions, we have two elements (the soul & the subconscious) panicking for very different reasons, so the resulting distress is often extreme.

The fact that I specialize in the really “dark” issues doesn’t mean that I don’t have sympathy for all human struggles, because I do. I love helping people who write in for advice on any issue, I just tend to attract a lot of folks who are dealing with dark stuff because they have fewer options available to them. Just as certain medical ailments are much easier to get help with than others, certain psychological issues get a ton of attention while others are virtually ignored. Many of the issues being ignored tend to cause immense internal anguish, and since I’m aware of this, I make an effort to encourage people who are struggling with such issues to speak up. But I welcome questions on any topic, not just the really grim ones.

Now in your case, we want to celebrate the positive: your normal sex drive is intact (hooray!), and we really want to keep it that way. Your subconscious has the final say in what kinds of sex you like and what kinds of targets you are attracted to. Right now, we see that it is mostly allowing your body’s natural interests to remain intact, without performing any overrides. The important caution here is that your subconscious’ views are flexible and can be adjusted over time. This means that you can train your mind to develop an interest in negative forms of sex, and once you do this, training it back the other way becomes very difficult.

In these modern times, many couples who don’t know better are following the idiotic advice of sex counsellors who have no understanding of the subconscious. As a counsellor, I have a very low opinion of sex counsellors, as I have yet to come across one who isn’t handing out advice that is guaranteed to cause couples immense problems down the line. I’m sure some good ones are out there, but the good ones aren’t going to be advertising their services by posing in risqué outfits and talking as if learning how to stroke a penis in new ways is the most important thing in the universe. As a man, you have a much stronger biological need for sex than women do. This makes you more vulnerable to buying into the lie that the primary purpose of sex is to experience intense physical pleasure. Bad sex advice puts physical pleasure above all else in importance. Once your goal is to have the most intense orgasm that you can, you’re going to limit your attempts to “improve” your sex life to physical experimentations.

Now there are many ways to rev your system and thrust yourself into a heightened state of awareness. A lot of what passes as “good sex advice” these days is nothing more than tips for how to cause your body and mind to feel like they are under attack. They will then respond to the threat by going into a state of “red alert”, which will cause your adrenaline to spike, your pulse to race, and your senses to become heightened. When sex counsellors advise couples to start tying each other up, slapping each other around, and getting into degrading positions with each other, they are trying to get their clients to experience the “rush” that is guaranteed to happen when you cause your internal elements to feel stressed. A negative form of stress is then celebrated as a positive improvement in the couple’s dynamic, when in reality the couple has gone from being functional to being abusive.

Now I’m well aware of how much pressure there is to involve butts and mouths in sexual activities. But the reality is that God only designed sexual intercourse to work one way: penis to vagina. When we respect the original design, we have a chance to experience sex the way God intended it to work. Healthy sex can only happen when there is mutual respect for both partners. Treating your wife with respect goes far beyond making sure she’s agreeable before you try some new sex position. The fact that your wife agrees or even wants to do something does not mean that she should. Part of your job as a husband is to protect your marital dynamic. You do this by refusing to engage in activities where your wife is being demeaned, regardless of how she claims to feel about them and regardless of what you might be getting out of them.

Oral sex is always demeaning. It doesn’t matter if everyone has been brainwashed into thinking it’s great because it’s been portrayed as fantastic in a billion movies. In the first place, the body never likes giving oral sex. Your mouth and throat have been brilliantly designed to swallow food. They have also been designed with defensive measures, one of which is a gag reflex. When an object that is not appropriate for the stomach to receive enters too far into the mouth, the gag reflex kicks in and the throat muscles automatically begin to thrust upward to eject the unwanted material. A man’s penis is not a consumable product. It is both inappropriate and demeaning to your wife (or anyone else) for you to start ramming your penis in and out of her mouth. I’m getting into this because while your repulsion to anal sex is well intact, you show signs of drifting on the oral sex issue. This is something that needs to be shored up if you want to protect your sex drive from becoming deviant.

Now these same principles are just as important for your wife. She also has a moral responsibility to protect the marital bond from negative influences, and that means refusing to engage in activities that she might find personally pleasurable if those activities mean that you are being degraded in any way. When a woman looks down and sees your face buried in her crotch because you’re busy licking her privates, nothing about that image says, “I’m treating my husband with respect right now.” Faces are designed to be intimate with other faces; they are not designed to be intimate with butts and crotches.

The key point I want you to understand here is that there are powerful mental associations that get formed through physical interactions. Positioning matters far more than anyone wants to admit in these trauma crazed times. Positions make very strong declarations about rank, power, and value. If you want to experience sex God’s way, you and your wife have to work together to ensure that the ways you are sexually interacting with each other are communicating the right kinds of messages: those of equality, mutual respect, and love.

Today you are taught to choose your sexual positions based on what feels nice to you. You’re not taught to seriously consider how the position feels to your partner, nor are you taught to consider what kinds of conclusions your subconsciouses will be drawing as they closely monitor what you’re doing together. Today a lot of people who feel they are only interested in “normal sex” get all huffy when I warn them that oral sex is a bad idea. Often in these cases one partner really wants oral sex yet is not consciously aware of the fact that the real attraction to them is the fact that oral sex positions automatically communicate a message of domination. In these cases, the man is not always the one who is on a power trip. I’ve had female clients who had issues with power and they perceived giving their men oral sex as a way of dominating them. They had strong preferences towards oral sex because their minds were seeing the activity as a way of ensuring they stayed more powerful and less vulnerable than their male partners in the relationship. While they were not consciously aware that they were doing this, it was affecting their relationship dynamic in negative ways.

The better you understand your own mind and body before you pair up with a woman, the better you’ll do at steering the relationship in the right direction. By now your mind has already formed strong opinions about how you ought to interpret various sex positions. Paying more attention to how you personally define concepts like respectful touch versus demeaning touch will help you teach your future woman how to handle your body in a way that will have a positive impact on all of your internal elements. Sex between spouses is a physical activity that has a profound psychological impact on their relationship, so the mental associations end up being far more important than the physical sensations.

It’s very good that you feel repulsed by themes of anal sex, coercion, and pain. All of these elements have a negative psychological impact. It’s not just your soul that dislikes these things–your body and mind aren’t fans, either, and you want to keep it that way. How do you prevent your mind from sliding in a negative direction on these issues? You intentionally avoid masturbating to imagery that is emphasizing negative themes. Right now you are trying to stick to videos which you can easily imagine as portraying two adults consensually wanting to have sex together. In real life, people who star in porn videos are under immense internal distress. It’s impossible to be filmed doing sexual activities without feeling psychologically and physically degraded. It’s also impossible to be physically intimate with a bunch of people who you hardly know and probably dislike and not end up feeling psychologically damaged. The porn industry makes its products by destroying people’s mental, physical, and spiritual health. Then it tries to trash nice guys like you by using your own biological needs against you. So yes, in an ideal world, you would transition off of the porn videos, because at this point you are too mature to deceive yourself that the actors you’re watching genuinely want to do what they are doing. You are already too aware that they are being grossly degraded by their fellow humans, and the fact that you know this is causing you to keep linking your own sexual relief to the idea of humans being degraded. It’s the rehearsal of negative associations that’s the problem.

Porn is like a sweet tasting poison that systematically erodes your ability to enjoy sex with a real woman. Real women are not airbrushed, they don’t come with ginormous chests and tiny waists, they don’t have orgasms that last for minutes, and they don’t moan and groan with ecstasy every time you touch them. By constantly selling you false portrayals of what real sex is like, porn sets you up to feel totally disillusioned and dissatisfied by your experience of sex in real life. It teaches you to focus on the details that matters the least, while totally ignoring the details that matter most. In real life, two people don’t leap upon each other and get into an instant perfect rhythm. In real life, women can’t get into the mood as fast as you can because they have very different internal mechanics at work. Because real life is so different than porn makes it out to be, it is to your advantage to try to increase your level of control over the kinds of imagery you focus on when masturbating. The less you focus on stuff other people produced, the less you’ll end up getting force fed a lot of harmful deceptions and negative associations.

Here’s a goal to shoot for. It’s not a goal you are going to be able to reach right now, but when you want to improve in an area like this, you need to understand which direction to head in. Imagine yourself masturbating to your own, self-produced fantasy of a naked woman. Obviously you’re going to shape her anatomy in a way that you find attractive, but the point of this exercise is to go beyond the visuals. Also focus on crafting an emotional context for your fantasy. Instead of focusing only on the size of her breasts and her physical responses to you, imagine handling her in a way that communicates how much you value and respect her. Assume that this woman is your future wife. How would you go about trying to communicate your love for her in a physical way? Try to flesh your fantasy out with specific details. Do you caress her face? Do you fondle her breasts? How is she reacting to the way you touch her? Are you checking to ensure that she likes what you’re doing, or are you only thinking of your own sensations? When you sense that she isn’t liking something you’re doing, how should you course correct?

A self-directed fantasy allows you to multitask. Yes, your body needs relief from sperm pressure, so there is a practical goal to be achieved. But you have the option to get a lot more out of masturbating than just resetting the sperm clock. You can also turn this biological need into an opportunity to practice developing the kinds of attitudes that God wants you to associate with sex. You start by practicing a new mindset that does not come naturally to men: one in which you view entering your woman as a means of communicating your love for her.

Now don’t read an insult into that last statement because there was none being given. I’m not putting you down when I say this mindset is not natural to men, I’m talking about a natural consequence of how God wired the two genders. Because men have a much stronger biological interest in sex, they have to work at trying to focus on more than just getting physical relief when they are having intercourse.

Suppose you have a dinner date with a woman, and the purpose of the date is to get to know each other better. But when you show up to the meal, you are desperately hungry, thanks to your day being plagued with hassles that forced you to skip breakfast and lunch. When you sit down to the meal, your great hunger is going to cause you to want to just start scarfing down the food and focusing on how great it tastes. In that moment, it’s going to be very hard for you to focus on emotionally connecting with your date.

Because women do not have the biological push you have when they get in bed with you, 99% of the time, they are hoping to have an emotional connection with you. They see the actual act of intercourse as being similar to the act of eating on your dinner date: the physical activity is merely an excuse for coming together and having some wonderful heart-to-heart bonding experience. Because men are naturally wired to be super focused on the physical side of things, and women are wired to be super focused on the emotional side, it’s very easy for messes to happen. To forge a happy sex life with your wife, both of you have to work at meeting each other in the middle. You need to work at focusing on the emotional elements, and she needs to work at getting more into the physical side. I will get more into this topic when I write the sex guide for men that you requested. But the key point I want you to glean here is that experiencing sex God’s way requires a skillset that porn is never going to teach you to cultivate. The sooner you start working on acquiring this skillset by inventing your own sexual fantasies and practicing splitting your attention between physical sensations and emotional bonding, the better equipped you’ll be when Miss Right suddenly steps into your life.

I suggest that you attempt the kind of fantasizing I’m talking about in small steps at first. Just take a stab at it, and when it feels too frustrating, do what you normally do. The next time the sperm pressure builds up, take another run at inventing your own fantasy. The goal here is to wean off of all third party imagery because all of that rot is only setting you up to be disillusioned, and why should you cooperate with people who are trying to use your own needs against you?

Don’t be particular about what kind of anatomy your fantasy wife has. Your mind will automatically come up with images that it currently finds appealing. The important part of this exercise is practicing focusing on something other than your neural sensations even as your penis is singing for joy. This is very challenging to do, yet it’s a skill that is going to reap major rewards for you down the road. Imagine yourself saying things to your wife as you are having intercourse with her (because you must learn to use words if you’re going to make your wife happy in bed). Imagine that you and her have a fabulous, close bond and that there is a firm foundation of trust between you. How can you touch her and talk to her in a way that will celebrate that bond while you are also getting your own needs met? Other times, try imagining that it’s your wedding night and this is your first time having sex with your new wife. How can you touch her in ways that will communicate your affection and respect for her? How would you want her to touch you? What kinds of touch do you like? What don’t you like?

Another benefit of this mental imagery exercise is it can help you get more in tune with your own body. Men tend to be less self-aware than women, and while that certainly has its advantages, when it comes to sex, your wife will need as many tips as you can offer regarding how she can please you through touch. Every man is his own unique package, and your wife isn’t going to be able to figure out the best way to handle your body just by watching videos and reading tips on the internet. The more practiced you are at talking about the graphic details of who should put what where, the less awkward you will feel when the time comes to have those conversations.

When you are as mature as you are and God suddenly introduces you to the woman that He wants you to be with, things tend to move very fast. You’re not in your early 20s still trying to figure out who you are. You’re well past that stage, and the woman God pairs you with likely will be as well. Since you probably have a whirlwind romance looming in your future, this is a good time to start developing a whole new mentality about sex.

Dating Despair

This theory you have that all women have bought into the feminist mentality and that all women are only interested in your money and that all women are shopping for some deformed package of overdeveloped muscles is 100% bull. I’ve counselled a lot of mature singles of both genders and they all felt convinced they were going to be single forever, that there was no one left in their age range who would give them a second look, and that they were the oldest virgins on the planet. I told them all the same two words I’m telling you: DEMONS LIE.

When you grab a shopping cart in a grocery store only to discover that one wheel is permanently twisted, what happens? You spend the entire time focused on that one damaged wheel. You fume about it. You dwell on it. You mutter to yourself about how difficult it is making your life. And the whole time you’re griping about that one crummy wheel you’re totally ignoring the fact that there are three other wheels rolling along exactly as they should, getting no accolades from you whatsoever.

Right now you are very much in a “one wheel” mentality, and I get it. This is a very frustrating time to be a straight, single male because right now there are several ill-mannered loudmouths who are doing their darndest to coerce the whole human race into pandering to them because they are terrified about facing the fact they have some serious psychological problems. When something is broken inside of you and it hurts like hell yet you are totally hopeless about ever fixing it, it seems like the only option you have left is to start playing label games. Women who are working overtime to act like men, abuse men, and dominate men are actually terrified of men deep down. They already think that you are far more powerful than they could ever be, which is why they feel a desperate need to bully you any chance they get. Bullies always feel too weak to survive, and they attack others in a futile attempt to regain a sense of internal power. This tactic never works. No matter how many kids Johnny beats up at school, he will still continue to feel weak and defenceless internally. No matter how many men Judy yells at for opening doors for her or for offering to carry some heavy package, she will continue to feel extremely threatened by them. Issues like this can only be resolved by addressing root causes. The whole feminist movement is in desperate need of some urgent psychological intervention, but while they’re busy dodging the counsellor’s office, you aren’t helping matters by writing off every other woman on the planet.

Here’s a question: where is a mature, God-fearing, 40 year-old-woman supposed to go these days to meet a man like you? At church she typically finds a bunch of immature posers who say they care about God when they really don’t. At bars…well, she doesn’t go to bars because she doesn’t like being ogled at like some kind of bait. Online dating forums? There she finds an unending stream of men who just want to get in her pants on the first date (if there even is a date). You see, there are plenty of these women out there and they feel just as discouraged as you do. Virgins who are over 30 years old really haven’t gone the way of the dinosaurs. There are plenty of them in the world today, but a woman’s character can hardly be measured by her sexual history. We all make mistakes. We all want to be judged by who we are today, not by the dumb choices we made in the past or by the kinds of issues we’ve had to struggle to overcome. As for this ab business, you are the visual gender, women are not. Don’t be taken in by this current trend of women making endless remarks about men’s butts and chests as if they actually care about such things. When women talk like this, they are trying to imitate men. It’s a pretence, nothing more. Sure, women have some general preferences in the physical department, but those are easily tossed aside as irrelevant once they meet men who have attractive innards. The kind of women you’re shopping for, and the kind that are shopping for you, couldn’t care less about the size of your muscles, the length of your penis, how tall you are, how many pounds you can lift, or any of the other ridiculous details that men are brainwashed into thinking women obsess over. Women are so not visual that their external preferences are extremely flexible. As a woman becomes emotionally bonded to you, the way she physically assesses you begins to change. This change happens automatically as her mind begins linking you to more and more positive concepts. The result is that she ends up finding you more physically attractive over time, not less. You see, the wiring here is drastically different. For men, external attraction often feels very strong right from the beginning due to their visual wiring. But for women, external attraction is much weaker right from the start because women link attraction to emotional bonding. Where there is no bond established, even a “gorgeous hunk” comes across as meh because she can sense that that her attraction to him is only superficial; it’s not confirmed by a positive bond.

Suppose you see a plate of your favourite food. Because you already know what that food tastes like, you feel a strong attraction to it. But now compare that feeling with the attraction you’d feel towards a plate of food that you’ve never tried before. The first plate gives you a confirmed sense of attraction. The second plate might be well-presented, but your feelings towards it are much less enthusiastic, because you’re aware that you might not like it at all.

When women see a “handsome” guy, they feel the kind of attraction you felt towards that mystery food. Sure, the presentation is appealing, but what is that really worth? A woman needs more information before she can develop any real interest.

When a woman sees her regular looking boyfriend walking towards her, her strong emotional bond with him causes him to feel far more attractive to her than Mr. Hunk who is walking down the other side of the street. For women, their attraction to men is based on internal feelings, not on visual data. Visual data just doesn’t influence women with the same intensity that it does men, which is why all of the worrying you’re doing about your height is so unnecessary.

As for me, I’m not tall, which immediately eliminates 99% of the female dating population. (Not speculation, fact based on scientific studies and personal studies).

Based on scientific studies, there is no real evidence that God exists. Based on scientific studies, there is no such thing as a soul and humans created themselves by strategically rearranging their own molecules over billions of years (yet bizarrely, they still find their own inner workings mysterious). By now you know deep down that you know better than to listen to “scientific studies.”

Since your “personal studies” were no doubt heavily influenced by demons, we’ll file those in the rubbish bin as well.

Let’s deal with your triple six theory.

Most women are looking for 6-foot tall, 6 pack abs and 6 figure income man. It sounds shallow because it is. 

What it sounds like is baloney. Take a closer look and you’ll see that women come in a wide variety of heights; we’re not being mass produced using the same Divine mould. Unless a woman is reasonably close to the 6 foot mark herself, kissing starts becoming a potentially neck straining activity and she’s constantly feeling a need to hike herself up on her tiptoes like a ballerina just to reach her man’s face. My own husband is my idea of “the perfect height”, and guess what? He’s shorter than 6 feet. So stop insisting that we all have to want 6 feet worth of man, because we don’t.

Now here’s the thing about women: as convenient as they find it to be able to easily reach their man’s lips, once a man starts treating them well, they cease to care about the height thing. You have to get it through your head that women are wired differently. Height falls under the category of an external quality and for women, all externals are negotiable. The inside wins every time. Start giving a mature woman attentive listening, verbal validation, and emotional connection and she won’t give a toss about your height. Throw in some godly character, some mature insights and some evidence that you’re still committed to developing your own character and she’ll follow you to the ends of the earth, even if you’re a dwarf. Women care about the man inside, and that guy doesn’t have any physical features. If the man inside turns out to be a winner, then she’ll want to stay with him, regardless of what kind of physical package he comes in.

Men are so visual that before they meet the one, they struggle to imagine how they could ever feel content with a woman who isn’t a bit of a hottie. Women simply don’t have this issue, which is why you see so many attractive women walking around with men who are the antithesis of “good looking.” Yes, I know you think that women are a lot more invested in externals because you’ve been listening to the chatter of women who are traumatized, immature, or both. Psychological trauma really messes with the natural wiring of both genders. Some kinds of trauma can cause women to become obsessively focused on specific physical features about men, but those are fear-based attractions, and they will fade out when the trauma is resolved. Immature women say a ton of things that they don’t actually mean just to be accepted by other women. When one immature woman says, “Check out that guy’s butt!”, her immature friends will say, “Oh, yeah, totally hot!” even though the entire group is just talking nonsense and no one really thinks the man’s rear end is anything exciting.

No matter how hard women try, they simply can’t dial into the attraction that men automatically feel towards swinging, bouncing curves. It’s just not in us. As I’ve often said in my material, gender is not just an anatomical concept, it’s also a psychological one. A woman can dress up like a guy and try to act like a guy, but she can’t make herself think like a guy.

A lot of men would be horrified to know how women really view all of this bulging muscle business. A healthy body simply doesn’t look like the bodies men are told to strive for in the gym. By the time your muscles are so overdeveloped that we can count every one of them, it’s far more disturbing than attractive. It’s also very obvious that such excessive overdevelopment can’t be good for you.

Being hugged by a man with massive biceps and a “washboard” stomach feels like you’re being crunched between a bunch of rocks. It’s not exactly cosy and comfortable. Men don’t think about what it’s like to be on the receiving end of their muscles. Women would much prefer to be able to snuggle up to a non-rock. They would also like you to stop abusing your body by forcing it to lug around far more muscle than it needs because they want you to live a long time, not suddenly collapse from heart strain. Sure, maintaining functional strength is a positive thing, but a lot of men who pump iron are going way beyond functional strength.

While women are told that you want them to starve themselves to the point that all of their ribs protrude and their cheeks suck in, men are told that women want them to bulk up until they are so deformed that they can’t put their arms down or find shirts with armholes large enough to fit their biceps through. It’s all a bunch of lies that are intended to keep both genders labouring under the delusion that the opposite sex is impossible to please.

Here’s a critical point that I tell all of my depressed single men: women focus primarily on your face. Men take in the whole picture, but women hyper-focus on the face while they give the rest of you a fleeting glance. This is because your face is constantly transmitting data that a woman is very keen to have. Women communicate very differently than men do. Women are designed with an array of emotional sensors that men don’t have, and those sensors allow them to easily detect small shifts in your emotional mood. Women are so good at this that they can often pick up on your stress signals before you do. But while a woman is constantly monitoring your emotional aura (which is an invisible tension that all humans emanate, and which becomes significantly stronger when you’re upset), she is also checking your face for additional clues about your current emotional state. While men balk at the idea of being constantly scrutinized like this, women can’t turn this off. It’s wired in, just as it’s wired in to you to visually follow a large set of breasts that come bouncing into your field of view.

Women are wired by God to nurture, and a good nurturer needs effective tools for monitoring the status of the humans in her care. These internal sensors that women have are extremely beneficial to their family members. They can also cause irritation when negative readings cause a woman to start asking, “Are you okay? Really? Because you don’t seem okay. Are you sure nothing’s wrong? Is there anything you want to talk about? Because I’m here if you want to talk.” This kind of “nagging” tends to put men on the defensive because they don’t understand the positive motivations behind it. Women have such a strong nurturing instinct that they often find it impossible to settle or relax when one of their close people is emitting stress signals.

There’s a lot more to be said on this subject, but the point I want you to understand is that there are vast differences in how men and women think. When you came up with your triple 6 theory, you were basing that on your own false assumptions about what women care about. This is a reasonable mistake to make, because males and females generally have a very poor understanding of how the other gender thinks. But as I’ve been demonstrating, female logic flows in a very different direction than you think it does. While you’re thinking about abs and inches, she’s wondering about your internal character and she’s studying your face. While you’re focused on your salary, she’s worrying about your capacity for serious emotional commitment.

Stereotypes

Let me give you some insight into how it is for your future wife right now. She’s out there, single, depressed, and probably a virgin. But she is being taught that you are going to think her virginity means she’s “frigid” and guaranteed to be a total disappointment in the bedroom. She’s being told that all men find it fun to “sow their oats”, so any man she finds is guaranteed to have a long list of women who he has used and dumped without a second thought. She worries about getting some nasty STD from you, and that you’ll lie to her about being “clean” when you’re really a petri dish of diseases that you’ve picked up from your various one night stands. She dreads the end of her first date with you, when you are going to look at her with those lusty eyes and make it clear that the only reason you went out with her at all was to use her body. She looks in the mirror and sees endless reasons why you’d never give her a second look. Her hair isn’t perfect, because she doesn’t primp herself 40 times a day (which is what it takes to keep model perfect hairstyles in place). Her face has some blemishes, because a few years back she burned out with caking on the make up every morning. Make up is expensive, uncomfortable, and impractical. When it rains, you look like a clown. When you cry and your eye liner runs, you look like a monster. When you wear make up, you become even more insecure about your face than you already were, plus it’s impossible to come up with a combination of products that will look equally good in both indoor and outdoor lighting. Make up promises to make you look prettier, but in practice it makes you feel a whole lot uglier. Yet women persist with it because they are afraid men won’t give them a second look unless they try to hide their natural faces.

Your woman is sick to death of spending every day of her life in physical misery just because she’s trying to live up to your impossible standards of “attractive.” Her pants are so tight that they make her nauseous when she sits down. They’re high waisted, and designed to make her look thinner than she actually is by smashing her stomach to the point that she has trouble breathing. The seat of her pants is sewn in a way that will both separate and define each half of her rear end, the result being that she feels like she’s walking around with a wedgie 24/7. Why does she wear such miserable clothes? For one thing, that’s all she can find right now. For another, she thinks that’s what you want. She’s being told on all sides that all you care about is eye candy. You want her a have a huge chest, a skeletal waist, and a large, protruding butt. She doesn’t have a huge chest, she has a small chest, and this is a fact that drags her down every time she looks in a mirror and thinks about how far she is from meeting your impossible standards. She isn’t skinny as a rail, because she believes eating is healthy and she inwardly vacillates between feeling ashamed of being an ugly whale and loathing you for making her feel this way because you’re too self-absorbed and shallow to care about what’s actually good for her health.

From what your woman can see, feminists have ruined it for all women. She is told that men are now so fed up with pushy women that they have united as one against the female species. She’s told that any man she gets will demand separate bank accounts and tell her to go out and work for her own money, because men are no longer playing the provider game. Not only will her husband expect her to pay her own way (while he mocks every purchase she makes as “unnecessary junk”), but he’ll also expect her to manage the house, cook amazing meals, clean up after him, raise any kids they have, always look like his idea of “beautiful” (which means being in perpetual pain from tight clothes and triangular shoes while constantly torturing herself by ripping out her natural body hairs), and be available to give him sex any time he snaps his fingers. She’s told that men don’t do heart-to-heart conversations and that they generally view women and irritating nags. She’s told to expect to be very lonely in her marriage to you, so she’d better keep a bunch of girlfriends on hand to talk to. As for you, you’re going to spend most of your time at work and in front of the television, drinking beer, making crude jokes, and yelling at her when you run out of snacks. You’re guaranteed to cheat on her at some point (likely with some babe at your office), and when you have sex with her, you’ll be privately fantasizing about doing it with some other, better looking woman.

So what do you want your woman to do in the face of all of these lies? Should she give up and join the man haters? Should she close her mind to the possibility of ever meeting you, and therefore blow you off the first time she sees you? If we all give up on each other, assume the worst about each other, and embrace every lie demons throw at us, where does that get us?

I’m not denying the fact that you’ve had a bad run, or that there are a lot of immature twits out there. But you are using your experiences with a few bad apples as an excuse to write off every woman in the world. Is that what you want your future wife to do as well? In her world, she feels like she’s tripping over ill-mannered, testosterone brained jerks who vacillate between giving condescending wolf whistles to complaining that all women are unreasonable nags. You’re fed up, and she’s fed up, yet that’s not enough reason to give up. There are a ton of quality singles in this world of both genders and when God feels the timing is right, He will ensure that they find each other.

The fact that God has had other priorities that He wanted to accomplish with you before He turned your world upside down with her, doesn’t mean that steering her into your world isn’t still very much an item on His list. You have no basis whatsoever for deciding that getting married “was never in the cards for you.” By now you’ve only seen a few of the cards in God’s deck; He’s got plenty more that He hasn’t revealed yet so let’s not start telling Him what He can and can’t do in your life.

Demon Cons

I take my instruction from God whenever I give any kind of advice, because He is the only One who fully understands what’s going on with each of you little darlings. More importantly, He has His own idea of what the “urgent issue” is in each of your cases, and often His priorities are different than ours. In your case, the issue that God wanted me to emphasize with you is the one we’re just now getting to: this business of you deciding that you’re going to stop being receptive to the idea of Him speaking to you. You, my friend, have been conned, and this is something that needs to be addressed ASAP.

When you step up your commitment to God, demons step up their efforts to undermine your relationship with Him. Notice how in your case, they have not only conned you into shutting down on God, they’ve also got you thinking that you’re doing it for righteous reasons.

out of a respect for God, I’ve had to literally stop interpreting messages as being from a Divine source.

Demons are very good at what they do so it’s not a slam on you that they’ve been able to snooker you like this. But you have walked into a nasty little snare here, and you need to turn right around and get out of there before they have a chance to introduce Phase 2 of their scheme.

Now if you think I don’t really understand the predicament you’re in right now, think again. I know exactly what you’re talking about with God lying and you feeling jerked around, and all of the maddening doubletalk in your head. However, spiritual discernment is a very vast topic, and while it’s great that you’ve read the material I’ve written on this subject, that material is hardly going to give you a complete education. There’s a lot more to learn, and it sounds to me like you could benefit from some one-on-one coaching. I’d like to discuss this issue with you on the phone, because that way I can walk you through some real time discernment exercises in which we can pinpoint the specific ways demons are trying to mess with you right now. You never want to let them pin you into a corner in which you feel your only option is to shutdown on God. But they are very good at coming up with logical arguments that your soul finds impossible to poke holes in, and it sounds like this is what has happened in your case.

Now since they’re going to try to scare you off the phone idea, let me at least explain a concept here for you to think about. I want you to blink your eyes together 3 times, as quickly as you can. (Actually do it, because this is an important illustration.) Isn’t it amazing how fast your eyelids can move? Do it one more time, and notice how it takes you less than one second to get all three blinks in.

When your soul talks to God, it uses its own non-verbal soul language. That language is so efficient that you are able to communicate everything you want to say to Him in the time it takes you to blink once. God then responds to you instantly, and He uses the same language that your soul used (He does this so your soul can easily understand Him). So first we have you communicating to God, then we have Him responding. But then we have demons chiming in, and their goal is to either cause immediate stress or lay the groundwork for stress to happen in the near future.

The key point I want you to grasp here is that the individual comments made by you, God, and demons are made incredibly fast–so fast that they are like those three rapid blinks. They are added one on top of the other in a kind of layer cake, yet because the layers stack up so quickly, and because demons are intentionally trying to imitate God’s Voice, it is very easy for you to get confused about who said what.

Now don’t think that I’m trying to lead you towards the conclusion that God never lied to you. God does lie, and if you’re going to get past certain levels of spiritual maturity, you need to face this reality about Him head on. You’ve obviously done that, which tells me two things. First, that God is inviting you a lot closer in than He does with most souls, and second, that you’ve been passing the challenges with flying colours. You now have to appreciate your situation from the demonic point of view. You’re pulling way out in front of the main pack here (which is only possible because God is giving you the right kinds of growth lessons). But by pulling out in front like this, you become a lot more threatening to demons. I won’t get into the specific reasons of why demons get so agitated by serious God followers, because understanding those mechanics isn’t the important focus. What you need to understand is that you’ve entered some pretty rare regions of spiritual growth and that makes demons feel desperate to slow you down. Normally they’d default to trying to work the shame game, but it doesn’t sound like you’ve got any juicy material for them to use. You’ve got this porn thing, but the fact that you’ve matured in the soul attitudes of dependency and submission really makes it harder for demons to use this addiction against you. They’re trying, and they’re getting some degree of success, which is reflected by this statement:

I always felt worthless (from a spiritual perspective) due to my inability to overcome my porn addiction.

This would be cause to celebrate for demons if your soul had stopped here.  But the fact that you were able to make this statement, then later launch into a description of your commitment to God demonstrates that you’re not feeling nearly as worthless as demons need you to. Notice how when you wrote about your commitment to God, you didn’t try to minimize it or suggest it was all just a hypocritical farce.  If the porn thing was working out the way demons want it to, you’d be downplaying your commitment to God—even feeling like some shameful hypocrite for trying to suggest you were serious about Him when your actions clearly say otherwise.  But this isn’t what you did.  Sure your soul is bugged by the porn thing, but it is also able to separate that issue from its own devotion to God.  You confidently described your commitment to God as if it was an undeniable fact, not just wishful thinking.  Your soul knows that it is devoted to pleasing its Maker and it’s not going to be conned into thinking otherwise.  This is a major problem for demons.  One of their most effective cons against serious God seekers is to get souls to doubt their own sincerity.  If that doesn’t work, they try to get souls to think that God doubts their sincerity.  But neither of those reliable strategies is working in your case.  You’re so confident in your commitment that demons have to try to find a way to use that commitment against you without challenging it. What they’ve done in your case is to set up a series of frustrating “miscommunications” which they’ve worked very hard to get you to see as happening only between your soul and God. 

Think back over these exchanges in which you felt God promised specific things to you that He reneged on a short time later.   Notice how you view these exchanges as only involving two parties: you and God.  You don’t see demons being involved, yet it’s clear that they were very much involved. I suspect that what happened here is they used the classic “layer cake” and “piggyback” strategies against you.  By interjecting carefully timed comments between the rapid exchanges you and God were having, demons have been able to get you to mislabel their comments as coming from Him.  They then made sure to word their comments in ways that could make it easy to demonstrate that “God” was forming a regular habit of raising your hopes just to dash them.  When your soul became very distressed by this (which was the plan all along), demons were ready and waiting with “the only sensible solution”: refuse to receive ANY messages from God anymore.  Well, yes, by all means.  Because at this point you have come farther than demons ever thought you would, and they are absolutely panicking over where God might take you next.  Since you need to be receptive to His instruction to advance to the next level of maturity, if demons can get you to shut down on Him, you won’t be able to progress any further.  They’ll be able to stall you right where you are, and since you’re already much too advanced for their liking, it’s vital that they find some way to put the brakes on you.  But if they’re going to succeed at stalling you for more than a few seconds, they need to somehow make you think it’s your idea to tune God out, and they need to somehow present that idea to you in way that makes your soul think it’s pleasing God.

From the demonic perspective, your soul is so nauseatingly devoted to God that it’s guaranteed to reject any plan that has even a whiff of rebellious soul attitudes about it.  So how can demons sell you the idea that refusing to listen to God can actually be a good thing?  Well, they can try the “respect” angle—that one works in a lot of desperate cases, and it has obviously worked on you.  You now feel that you’re shunning God out of respect for Him—to avoid insulting Him by mislabelling His Voice. I think the real motivation deep down is that you’re trying to protect yourself from being hurt by Him because you are afraid of getting so hurt that you’ll want to reject Him entirely.  Because you love Him so much, you don’t want to reject Him, but there’s only so much pain a soul can take.

What if we’re mislabelling some of the voices here?  If that is the case, then a lot of the hurt you think God is dishing to you isn’t coming from Him at all.  If God isn’t callously sticking it to you the way you think He is, then you don’t have to feel so hurt by Him, and that means you don’t have to be afraid of burning out and walking away from Him.  (And by the way, God is far more invested in this relationship than you are at this point, so even if you were to try to walk away, He would block you, which means things really aren’t as fragile as your soul fears.)

Learning to sort out who is saying what in rapid fire exchanges is a discernment skill that doesn’t usually come up until far down the line.  In your case, I think the time has come for you to delve into this new subject.  There are two main principles here.  The first is the fact that demons are using speed to throw your soul off its game.  Your soul barely finishes its thought and they are already responding.  The second is the fact that they are intentionally piggybacking on God’s comments. This is when they add a comment that sounds like an extension of His comment, and they do it so fast that there is no obvious pause for you to look for, so you miss picking up on the change of speakers.

Now remember that the most important rule of learning how to discern the voice of demons is this: demons always try to undermine your soul’s relationship with God.  Forget about the particulars for a moment, zoom out, and consider the bottom line of what has changed between you and God.  You’ve gone from being receptive to Him speaking to you to being unreceptive.  Does that sound like a Divine agenda or a demonic one?  What is the more likely scenario: that God has spent all of this time carefully cultivating your soul to grow closer to Him just to dump you now that you’ve come farther than most souls do?  Or that demons have been scrambling for a way to put the brakes on your spiritual development and they finally came up with something?  We all get duped by demons countless times. The goal is not to become invincible to their cons, but to get better at recognizing when we’ve been conned so that we can course correct and reap the benefits that God has prepared for us.

If you send me an email address, I will contact you to set up a phone consultation so I can talk you through some specific discernment exercises. Either way, you need to reopen the lines of communication here. Refuse to let demons set limits on how far you can go with your Maker.

This post was written in response to Invisible.