I’m a 17-year-old bisexual male. I’m attracted to other guys, but don’t act on it. Usually, I can force myself to only look at porn that only has women in it. By the way, I definitely have a passive temperament. I’m also an only child living with my mom. My dad was on drugs in and out of the house. He passed a few years ago, though.
Anyway, I think I’ve been slowly, subconsciously changing my voice to be more effeminate. I didn’t want to, but it’s just been happening–since I was in the 6th grade. Even my mannerisms seem to have become more and more feminine as I got older.
To make things even worse, I’m very soft spoken too. I’ve never ever been able to project my voice well and I’m often have to repeat myself when I talk to people. Some women seem to think it’s cute or something, but I think it shows how pitiful I am as a man.
Also from a young age, I’ve had an issue with the depth of my voice. I would be unaware of it until someone told me about it. For instance, sometimes, people (adults, my age, and children) have told me “you sound like a girl,” “when is your voice going to get deeper,” “Imma need you to speak up, I don’t speak b#&ch” and “keep talkin’ like that you gonna be somebody’s b#&ch.” I live in “the hood,” but I never fit in here so… I’ve recorded myself a few times and I can help but to have this “androgynous” voice.
Why has this been happening. Like why would my mind do this? The real question is why would God do this? He wants men to be masculine and women to be feminine, right? What’s going on?
First, kudos to you for noticing this growing shift in your behaviours towards the female side. These things can creep up on us slowly, and they can go undetected for a very long time. Until we become aware of what we’re doing, we can’t do anything about it, so it’s great that you’ve become aware not only of these changes, but also of the fact that they started happening quite a ways back.
Now bisexuality is caused by your subconscious intentionally overriding your natural sex drive (which is heterosexual), and trying to steer you towards males instead. It’s vital to understand that your mind has strategic reasons for doing this, so this isn’t some random fluke, nor is it a sign that you were born “girly.”
Alterations to the natural sex drive are always indications of psychological stress. The question now becomes why is your mind feeling so stressed? The answer is going to lie in one or more past experiences you’ve had which caused your mind to feel like you were being severely threatened and possibly harmed. The more severe the threat or injury, the more upset your mind becomes. Once your mind feels deeply distressed by something that happens to you in the past, it continues to feel upset until it receives direct help with reframing what happened to you.
Now whenever you go through an experience in life, your mind automatically highlights certain aspects of that experience as extra significant. All minds do this, and there are no right or wrong answers here. If two men take a walk through a forest, their minds will highlight different aspects of that experience. The first man might focus on how many tree roots were bulging up on the path and causing tripping hazards, while the second man focuses on how green the foliage is. Different minds naturally focus on different things, and the things your mind decides to focus on in any given moment ends up greatly influencing how you remember and react to your past.
For bisexuality to occur, the mind must decide that gender was a significant element in some very negative experience that you have. Bear in mind that focusing on gender doesn’t mean you must become bisexual, because there are many ways your mind can act on the gender issue. But you can’t become bisexual until your mind decides that gender is a big deal.
In your case, you can feel your mind creating the bisexual desires as a means of pushing you towards male intimate partners. Why? There are two common possibilities.
The first possibility is that your mind feels threatened by females, and wants to protect you by distancing you from them. Since your natural heterosexual drive is going to push you towards danger by pushing your towards females, your subconscious is interfering with your natural drive and trying to move you in a safer direction by steering you towards males instead. That’s the first common scenario, and while this is what is happening for some male bisexuals, I don’t believe this is what’s happening with you.
Notice how your mind is trying to get you to imitate females. This provides us with a very important insight that females probably aren’t threatening to you, and that is why we need to throw out that first possibility and move on to the second.
In this second scenario, males are the threatening figures to your mind, not females. Since your mind is pushing you towards males with the bisexualism, it’s easy to miss the fact that it actually feels distressed by males. But notice how it’s having you imitate a female. That behaviour indicates that your mind is linking being male with an increase in danger, so it is trying to reduce the threat to your safety by having you act female.
Now this is just the first layer. Before I explain some other factors that I think are involved here, realize that imitating the opposite gender is a very common defence strategy for minds that are dealing with certain kinds of assault traumas, so don’t think you’re some rare freak here, because you’re not. Since the kind of bisexuality you’re dealing with is closely related to homosexuality and transsexuality, let’s learn a bit more about those two issues so that you can have a deeper understanding of why your mind might be trying to push you further down the spectrum towards homosexuality.
Understanding Effeminate Gays
Bisexuality, homosexuality, and transsexuality are all trauma coping methods which are a result of minds linking gender with negative concepts like danger, pain, and stress. Among gay men, some act very masculine, while others are act very effeminate. The difference in surface behaviours is linked to what the mind’s deeper strategy is.
Male homosexuals who act effeminate are trying to roleplay females by imitating a stereotype of how women behave. They often do this because on a subconscious level, they believe that being male is increasing their likelihood of being harmed. This is a learned fear, meaning that men who act this way have been through some truly awful real life experiences in which they concluded that simply being male ended up making them a target for terrible suffering. So while there are loads of jokes made about effeminate gays, and while their dramatic mannerisms are often imitated in a mocking sort of way, there is nothing remotely funny about the suffering these individuals have been through, or about the stress loads they are currently carrying. It’s truly terrifying to feel that a quality about yourself that you cannot change (such as your gender or skin colour) is automatically making you a prime target for certain kinds of abuse.
Now all of these surface symptoms can have multiple strategies driving them. I’m explaining common scenarios, but realize there are many other possibilities. For example, not all gay men who act effeminate feel threatened by personally being male. Some are role-playing females in order to “play the wife” in a gay spouse relationship. Some are acting female as a way of trying to attract a male partner, because their minds are obsessing over pairing them with another male more than they are with trying to imitate females. All sex drive overrides are complicated issues, but in this article, I’m only explaining scenarios that I feel are the most relevant for the concerns your mind seems to be currently focused on.
Among some transsexuals, we find a similar fear of being a certain gender, only in their case, the terror can be so intense that there is a frantic need to find a way to pass themselves off as the opposite gender. For a male transsexual under extreme stress, the goal is to genuinely fool the general public (and himself) into thinking he is a woman by making extreme alterations to his appearance, behaviour, and anatomy. Once again, the underlying motivation is to avoid pain by reducing the chances of being targeted simply for being male.
So why are the transsexuals so terrified? Why can’t they just do what effeminate gay men do and find enough mental calm by simply imitating female mannerisms? Well, for transsexuals, there is often an additional focus on a body part–usually a sex organ–which is unique to their gender.
Here we come to an important issue: how your mind defines your masculinity. The technical definition doesn’t matter here; what matters is how your own mind feels your masculinity is being defined by others. For gay men who are acting effeminate, the goal is to downplay their masculinity by altering their social behaviours. Observing which details your mind is pushing you to alter helps you understand which qualities about yourself it feels are putting you in danger. In your case, we see your mind pushing you to alter your tone of voice. For transsexuals, the quality they feel a desperate need to alter is usually attached to their bodies. Once your mind decides that having a penis is putting you in grave danger, you can become obsessed with trying to figure out a way to get rid of that troublesome body part.
Now in cases of transsexualism, the mind can throw the emphasis in different directions. In the case of a woman who feels a need to imitate a penis by stuffing some kind of bulging material into a pair of underwear, she can be acting that way for two different reasons. She might view having a penis as being a way to protect herself from harm, therefore pretending to have one helps her feel safer, so she fakes it. Or she might be desperate to not have a vagina, in which case the fake penis helps her feel calmer because it creates a visual illusion that she has a different set of sex organs than she actually does. In all cases of gender-related stress, the mind can be trying to push you towards something or it can be trying to distance you from something. It can also be doing both of these things at the same time, which is what we see happening with you. By having you imitate a female, your mind is pushing you towards a personal gender of female while distancing you from your natural gender of male. By adding on the bisexualism, your mind is pushing you towards male romantic partners. But notice how it is not yet trying to distance you from female romantic partners. The one sided push here (moving towards males without trying to avoid females), tells us your mind does not yet feel threatened by female romantic partners. This is a significant indicator that you don’t have a history of females traumatizing you through aggressive behaviour. Let’s map out a form of logic that your mind might be using right now so you can see how your symptoms can logically happen at the same time while they are serving two different purposes:
The reason I took the time to explain about gays and trans is that it is possible your mind is trying to slide you towards homosexuality in order to both protect you from harm and work harder on resolving its confusion over males. The blue boxes in the chart above are the key here. If this is the kind of logic your mind is using right now, then the more pressured it feels to get answers to those questions, the harder it will push you to do the things in the purple boxes.
Remember that all of these issues are complex, so it is not accurate to say that all bis are on their way to becoming gays, or that all gays have the potential to slide into transsexualism. But in your particular case, sliding into homosexuality is a possibility due to the kind of strategy your mind seems to be using. With you we see a need to go towards male intimate partners while redefining yourself as female. Right now you are expressing a mild form of this, meaning that your mind is allowing your heterosexual sex drive to still be in tact and it not forcing you to switch over to bi porn. But if it becomes more agitated, it might start trying to suppress your natural attraction to women even further and focus you solely on male partners and gay porn. That kind of transition will indicate an increase in psychological fear, and since increasing fear is never a good thing in trauma cases, it’s better for you to start dealing with these issues now while you’re still at the bisexual level.
The urgent issue here isn’t what you’re doing, it’s what your behaviour indicates about your internal state of health. So we don’t freak out over the fact that you want to sleep with guys. Instead, we focus on the fact that the only reason you want to sleep with guys is that your mind feels very stressed by a problem it can’t solve. The focus should be on helping your mind calm down, not on fixing your behaviour. If you focus too much on controlling your behaviour, you will end up stalled in moral guilt and you will be prone to using harmful therapy methods. To avoid hampering your own recovery, you need to focus on resolving the internal crisis, not on punishing yourself because of the behavioural symptoms.
Now let’s talk about these comments you’ve received from other people regarding your style of speech. You’ve received a lot of negative feedback on this issue, yet notice how your mind is persisting with developing this trait. This is very significant because your mind is invested in protecting you, and normally that means it will respect warnings that something you’re doing is making you a target for social heckling. If there were no other factors involved, I would expect your mind to become stressed by others criticizing your tone of voice and I would expect you to be making a major effort to talk more “tough.” But this is not what’s happening, which means that your mind feels it has a more urgent problem at hand than having other people mock you for the way you speak.
By now many people have given you feedback that you do indeed sound feminine when you talk. All of this b**** language is giving your mind confirmation that it is succeeding in trying to pass you off as feminine simply by altering your tone of voice. It is clearly viewing this feedback as positive because it is continuing to pressure you to talk this way.
So why the girly talk? The common scenario here would be that you have been physically assaulted in some way when you were very young. The assault would have occurred prior to when the voice alterations first surfaced, so during or before the 12th grade. It’s likely that you perceived the assault as being sexual, meaning that you felt sexual organs (your own, someone else’s, or both) were involved in some way. It’s possible to develop these same issues without a sexual element involved, but in that case, we would still be dealing with some kind of severe psychological pain because your symptoms indicate very strong distress. Non-sexual physical assault could do this (such as a school bully beating you up), and so could severe emotional assault (such as being bullied and belittled by your father).
The antagonist in your case was likely male. I say this because we see you imitating females and still experiencing some degree of normal degree of attraction to them, which suggests you view them as non-threatening, while you try to seek out males. When females threaten you, male romantic partners can start to feel like a safe harbour. But when females don’t threaten you, it’s more likely that your mind is pushing you towards males in an attempt to re-enact a trauma in which a male was attacking you. The point is that you need to look at how your mind is responding to both genders to get an accurate understanding of what it’s stressing about.
Here’s where things can seem a bit confusing because if males threaten you, why are you trying to go towards them in intimate relationships? Realize that it is extremely common for minds to push people towards romantic partners that actually make them feel threatened and distressed. What’s essentially going on here is that your mind is trying to solve a problem by getting closer to it.
If you can’t quite read the tiny print on a label, what do you do? You get out a magnifying glass that will help you focus more on the thing that is frustrating you. In a similar way, when a very powerful person in your life harms you in some way, your mind will often become obsessed with understanding why that person treated you the way that they did.
Think about how many people you know who are in dysfunctional relationships. When you see a friend of yours intentionally pursue and pair up with a woman who is obviously bad news, you wonder what’s wrong with him. You don’t understand why he is insisting on setting himself up for pain, or why he gets so mad when you try to talk sense into him. What’s happening in a case like this is that the abusive female symbolizes someone else to your friend–someone from his past who he perceived as holding a lot of power over him. That past woman hurt him deeply in some way–either by dishing out abuse or by withholding things he really needed from her, such as affirmation or parental love. Because that woman felt so powerful to your friend, and because she was able to use that power to hurt him so much, his mind is now obsessing over her and trying to fix the crummy dynamic that your friend had with her in the past. To do this, his mind begins searching through the female population for new woman who has similar qualities to that original woman. Once his mind identifies a woman like that, it becomes obsessed with getting your friend to put himself in close proximity with her–close enough for her to abuse him the way the original woman did. The hope is that by re-enacting what happened in the past, your friend’s mind will gain a better understanding of why the original woman behaved the way she did. More importantly, your friend’s mind needs to figure out how it can protect your friend from being hurt like he was in the past.
For many bisexuals and homosexuals, a similar kind of strategy is being used. The same sex partners they are seeking out are actually symbols of real people from their past–people who caused them immense distress. Parent figures are very common antagonists here, but so are sexual abusers. For example, it is quite normal for a man to become obsessed with finding a romantic partner who reminds him of the guy who sexually abused him when he was a kid. In this kind of situation, the romantic partner functions like a stand-in for the original abuser. The man then attempts to resolve his distress over what his original abuser did to him by interacting with the stand-in. I know this sounds a bit strange, but it happens all the time with folks of every sexual orientation.
Now your father’s addiction to drugs indicates he was grappling with his own psychological trauma. Drug addictions are a very common trauma coping method, and such addictions are impossible to fully resolve until the underlying stress is dealt with. Traumatized people usually don’t have the internal resources they need to behave as functional parents, so if your father was a jerk to you, that could also be playing a factor in your current issues.
All children have a built in, desperate need to receive positive attention from both a male and female parent. When boys grow up with abusive or absent fathers, they will often develop a desperate craving to find some way to fill the void that their fathers created by not giving them the positive fatherly love they needed. After puberty, your subconscious will automatically shift to seeking out fatherly attention in a sexual context. This has nothing to do with you secretly wanting to have a sexual relationship with your father, so don’t even start worrying about that, because it’s a non-factor, despite what many Freud-inspired counsellors will claim. (Realize that Sigmund Freud demonstrated signs of severe unprocessed psychological trauma so his diagnostic approach was more than a little flawed.)
To understand why the mind sexualizes the need for parental affection, let’s use a hunting analogy. Suppose you’re a deer hunter and you spend many years hunting deer on the same mountain, because that’s where they live and breed. But then one year, the whole herd suddenly migrates to a new location that is many miles away. What do you do? You follow them to their new feeding grounds and resume hunting them there.
Forget about the issue of sex for a moment, and think about the concept of intimacy. Among humans, intimacy has to do with how well someone knows you. A relationship can be very intimate without being sexual. When you are a child, your parents often seem to have a very deep understanding of who you are, what you care about, and what upsets you. Their vast knowledge of you makes the relationship feel intimate from your perspective. A normal parental relationship will not have any sexual aspects to it, yet you will still feel a strong sense of intimacy with your parents simply based on how well they know you.
Now by the time your subconscious feels a need to find someone who can be a symbolic stand-in for one of your parents, you are usually past puberty. As you enter the adult world, a new kind of intimacy is introduced to you–one that didn’t seem important when you were a kid. This new form of intimacy is focused on a romantic relationship in which two adults sometimes have sexual relations with each other. Well, your mind is on the hunt for the strongest sense of intimacy it can find because it is trying to imitate the strong intimacy of the parent-child relationship. When it figures out that in the adult realm, romantic relationships are considered to be intensely intimate, your mind adjusts accordingly. It essentially changes hunting grounds and starts searching for a new intimate partner in the world of sexual/romantic partners. But even though the context has changed a bit (going from non-sexual to sexual), your mind is still looking for someone who can help you work out your issues with your father, and he was a non-sexual partner in your life.
Now for some male bisexuals, the male partners who they are seeking out are actually symbols of their own fathers. In these cases, the original fathers were very difficult for their sons to relate to, and a whole lot of pain and stress occurred as a result. But when the primary goal is to just resolve daddy issues, there usually won’t be a need for effeminate behaviour. A male bisexual can still act male while he tries to seek out a symbolic stand-in for his father. The fact that we see your mind pushing you to imitate females indicates that resolving father issues is not your main concern, but it could be an additional factor, so I want you to be aware of that possibility.
Now if you had a bunch of sisters, and your father clearly favoured them over you, that could be enough to cause you to want to act like a girl and seek out a symbolic father figure. Strong parental favouritism can do deep psychological damage, and a lot of gays, trans, and bis are reeling with pain that is primarily caused by difficult parents. But then we have the issue of sexual abusers who are not members of the family. In these cases, it is very easy for the mind to assume that your gender caused you to be targeted, therefore you will be safer if you try to imitate the other sex.
In cases of sexual assault, it is very common for the subconscious to become obsessed with the original attacker and try to seek out someone who can be that person’s symbolic stand in. To figure out if this is what your mind is doing, a good source of clues is your own sexual fantasies in which you are interacting with other men. What you’re looking for here are indications that you are trying to recreate an abusive sexual dynamic. This would mean you are fantasizing about sexual interactions which involve elements of coercion, humiliation, fear, stress, and/or pain. Don’t be misled by how your mind tries to downplay these things by portraying you as liking them in the fantasies. Elements of coercion, domination, and/or humiliation are always indications that your mind feels extremely distressed by the subject of sexual interactions. Once your mind is portraying sex in such a negative light, it’s time to consider that it is trying to recreate a real life experience of you being sexually abused.
Now the obvious problem with this form of bisexuality is that your mind ends up pushing you into abusive relationships and setting you up to be mistreated. Passive minds often feel that practicing being hurt is a logical way to become desensitized to pain, which means pain can no longer harm you. The problem with this theory is that it doesn’t work in practice. You will always be harmed by sexual abuse, regardless of how much you invite it and try to like it. So you don’t want to just stand by and do nothing while your mind sets you up for more trauma. Instead, you need to appreciate that your mind has good intentions, yet recognize that it’s logic is flawed. You then need to focus on helping your mind reduce its stress over whatever originally happened to you, because that original trauma is what is causing all of this fear about being male, as well as a need to seek out males who will mistreat you.
God’s View of Gender Blending
So how does God respond to all of these attempts to blur the line between male and female? God sees these things for what they are: strategic attempts to resolve severe psychological distress. God always encourages us to deal with root causes; He doesn’t just punish us for surface symptoms. Yes, the ideal situation is that men embrace their masculinity and that females embrace their femininity. The two genders are designed to be different from each other in many ways, and as a result, they can complement and enhance each other quite beautifully. But God is a realist. He is the One who invented trauma mechanics in the first place, and He certainly doesn’t blame people for things that are beyond their control. You can’t control who your subconscious makes you feel sexually attracted to, but you can be receptive to God helping you understand why your mind is behaving that way.
God has immense compassion for gender distress, and plenty of bis, gays, and trans are up to their necks in gender distress. God never shuns us for acting traumatised, but He does want us to be receptive to His help. When God starts convicting us that our abnormal behaviour means there is an underlying problem which needs our attention, and when we then tell God to shove it and start waving the rainbow flags, that’s when God is displeased. But the issue here is not that our sexual orientation has changed, it’s that our souls are being brats about listening to God and respecting the fact that He understands us far better than we understand ourselves.
God is very patient, compassionate, and reasonable when He is helping us work through trauma. He does not make us feel rotten for things beyond our control, nor does He demand things from us that He knows we can’t do. God is never going to say to the bisexual, gay, or trans man, “Yuck. Talk to Me when you’re straight.” God is going to say, “I understand these issues better than you do, so let Me help you sort this out.”
At this point, I recommend you do the exercises I recommend in Practical Steps for Correcting Traumatic Beliefs.
I also recommend that you work through the exercises in the deviant porn series that I am working on now. As I post new lessons in that series, you will be able to further analyse your own bisexual fantasies to be able to pinpoint what real life experiences your mind is trying to work on by rerouting your sex drive and pressuring you to act effeminate.
This post was written in response to +8soulful8–.