Decoding Your Porn Addiction, Lesson 4: Main Themes & Private Fantasies

Reader Caution: This post contains very disturbing content and is only recommended for those who want to understand addictions to deviant porn.

In this lesson, we are going to gain more education and we’re going to continue working on the lists you started in Lesson 3, so you will need your folder with the notes you’ve made so far.

Now some of you might be feeling a bit frustrated by your experience of porn, because you are finding it very difficult to find the “right” kind of video–meaning one that gives you a strong psychological reaction. Remember that your mind is trying to locate videos that are symbolically re-enacting things that have happened to you in real life. Often what ends up happening here is that your mind finds videos that do a good job of talking about very limited aspects of your experience instead of capturing the whole thing. This is why jumping genres is such a common issue when it comes to deviant porn addictions. You start off just watching some gay porn, but the next thing you know you’ve graduated on to BDSM, animal, and scat porn as well. The more genres you become addicted to, the more panicked your soul becomes, because it assumes that you piling on more and more perverse material must mean that you’re getting sucked down into some super gross swamp of depravity which you’ll never find a way out of.

Well, no, that’s really not what’s happening.

Suppose you are obsessed with three colours: red, blue, and green. Initially, you want to find a single piece of decor for your wall that has all three of these colours in it. But after hours of searching online, you can’t find anything that will work. You can find some great red bits of art, and some fabulous blue ones, and even some snazzy green ones. But you can’t find a single piece that combines all three colours. So what do you do now? Well, you just aren’t going to be happy unless all three colours are lighting up your wall at home, so you finally decide to order three different pieces: one red, one blue, and one green. You hang them up side by side, and at least now when you look at them, you can see all three of your favourite colours. It isn’t your ideal situation, but it’s the best you can find.

Whenever you have an experience in life–good, bad, or neutral–your mind automatically highlights specific details about that experience. When it does this is, it’s basically taking notes for itself about how it wants to file the memories of that experience for future reference. When you go through a traumatic experience in life–one that causes you immense distress–your mind does its usual highlighting, only this time it becomes obsessed with the details it chose to highlight. Those details then become like those three colours you were trying to decorate your wall with: your mind wants all of those details to be represented when it looks for a porn video that can symbolically re-enact what happened to you in real life. The problem is that different genres of porn tend to be like those single colour wall decorations that you found online: they are too narrow in focus. They don’t capture all of the details that are important to your mind. After a while, your mind gets fed up with the limitations of a certain genre of porn, so it moves to another one. This is when you pick up a second kind of porn addiction. That new genre of porn is very satisfying to your mind because it does a great job of talking about certain themes that your first genre seemed to ignore. So for a little while, your mind feels pleased with this new addition to your porn watching. But after a while, it becomes frustrated again, because even though you’re now watching two kinds of porn, something is still missing. The first kind is good at talking about X, and the second is good at talking about Y, but your mind also wants to talk about Z. So now it starts hunting for a third genre of porn–one which will focus on Z themes.

The key thing I want you to understand here is that different genres of porn (scat, animal, child, BDSM, etc.) focus on different themes. When you find yourself becoming addicted to multiple kinds of porn, it doesn’t mean you’re “super messed up.” It just means that your mind feels that it needs to span multiple genres in order to capture what happened to you in real life because each individual porn genre is too limited to say everything your mind needs it to say. So you see, this isn’t an issue of you being extra perverse. It’s an issue of your mind trying to work tools that are frustratingly limited.

Identifying Themes

Get out your folder and your TOP VIDEOS list. Next to each video on your list, write down what type of porn it is: scat, animal, child, BDSM, etc. Let’s now try to figure out why your mind is choosing to focus on these specific types of porn. To do that, we need to consider what the main themes of each type are.

The main theme of scat porn is degradation. In this type of porn, a human is being dramatically degraded by the use of human waste products. To identify porn themes, don’t focus too much on details. Instead, step back and think in very general terms. You should only need one or two words to identify the main theme of a specific kind of porn. We will be analysing details in future lessons, so for now, don’t concern yourself about how the human waste is being used in a particular scat porn video. Just step back and try to summarize what is happening as simply as you can: one human is being degraded by others. They are being humiliated. They are being treated as inferior. If you have any scat porn entries on your TOP VIDEOS list, then next to those entries, write scat porn = degradation.

Let’s move on to animal porn. The main theme here will usually be either sexual assault or torture. If the animal is being raped, it’s sexual assault. If there are tools being used to inflict pain on the animal, the theme is torture. It’s possible to have both of these themes happen in the same video. If you have any of these entries on your TOP VIDEOS list, write animal porn = sexual assault or animal porn = torture, or write down both themes if you feel that’s applicable.

The main theme of BDSM porn is torture. Notice the major emphasis on equipment in these videos. Next to any and all BDSM videos on your list, write, BDSM = torture. In videos that portray someone’s sexual organs being interacted with in any way (either by people or by equipment), add sexual assault next to your torture theme to indicate that your video has both themes in it. If the person in your video was not having their private parts interacted with, then stick with the torture theme and don’t add sexual assault. But realize that any interaction with private parts adds a sexual assault theme, and this includes characters who enter the video already wearing things like penis cages and nipple clamps. Also be aware that butts and chests count as private areas for both genders, so interaction with any of these areas will cause a sexual assault theme in addition to the torture theme.

Some videos simply focus on one person being tortured while the torturer is off screen. Physical equipment, such as restraints, devices, and tools, are the keys to recognizing torture themes, so anytime you see someone having objects inserted into bodily orifices, or having their genitals being manipulated with objects, or having any part of their anatomy being stressed by the use of any kind of equipment, it’s a torture theme, so that’s the theme you want to write down next to those kinds of videos.

All spanking videos should be noted as having a torture theme due to the use of tools to cause pain. Being spanked by hand also qualifies as torture due to the element of pain.

Some videos focus on the process of someone being sexually aroused in a “nice” way, meaning they don’t seem to be having any pain involved while someone is manipulating their privates to get them to orgasm. You should categorize these videos as sexual assault. Realize that not all sexual assault is delivered in a violent form. When your mind is already addicted to deviant porn, and it adds in a video like this, it is going to be viewing this kind of “friendly” interaction in a very negative way.

Videos of someone masturbating without inflicting pain on themselves should be classified as degradation.

Videos of someone masturbating and inflicting pain on themselves should be classified as torture and degradation.

Videos of someone inflicting pain on themselves without their private parts exposed should be classified as torture.

Videos of someone inflicting pain on themselves with their private parts exposed should be classified as torture and degradation.

Any kind of rape porn should be classified as sexual assault.

Child porn (which includes child-to-child or adult-to-child) is usually portraying sexual assault, since no child genuinely wants to be sexually interacted with. Even when the child is acting positively in the video, you should note the theme as being sexual assault unless equipment is being used on the child, in which case it becomes a torture theme as well. Torture and sexual assault themes often occur together in deviant porn videos.

So what about a video in which two men are having sex with each other and there is no equipment being used on either body? To identify the right theme, pay attention to the mood that you pick up from the video. If either character strikes you as being distressed or agitated by what is happening, then make your theme sexual assault. If both men strike you as liking the experience, then make your theme same sex interaction. Don’t get specific about the gender here. Just write same sex.

What about an orgy video? Again, the first thing to look for is mood. Check your SYMBOLIC CHARACTER list for the orgy video and focus only on the characters that you have starred. If any of those characters seem distressed or agitated by the sexual activities they are participating in, make the theme sexual assault. If there is equipment being used to distress one of your starred character’s bodies, or if one of your starred characters is using equipment to stress someone else’s body, the theme is torture. If anyone is being humiliated and/or mocked in the video, the theme is degradation.

I’m well aware that there are more kinds of porn than I’m listing here. If you’re totally stumped about how to categorize a video on your list, you can write in anonymously, tell me the gist of what’s happening in the video, and I’ll add a category for it to this lesson. Or you can just put a question mark (?) next to it for now because future lessons will make the theme become a lot more clear as I teach you more analysis methods.

Our friend Sam is currently addicted to three types of porn, and here are the results he gets when he thinks about his video themes:

Once you have all of your themes identified, it’s time to start a brand new list. Title this one ORIGINAL TRAUMA ELEMENTS. Under that heading, write down each kind of theme that you’ve identified. Don’t write down the same theme more than once. The goal here is to just have each kind of theme represented once. For Sam, he has two unique themes, so his list looks like this:

Self-Produced Porn

Now there are two sources of porn videos: the ones other people make, and the ones your own mind produces. Self-produced porn, or sexual fantasies, are extremely useful for this kind of analysis because they are custom made by your own mind to focus on the themes it cares about the most.

For porn addicts, their sexual fantasies will often include scenes from porn videos they have watched. Once again, this is useful information, because the scenes your mind chooses to include in its own fantasies are the ones it finds the most helpful.

It’s time to expand our analysis a bit. Get out your TOP VIDEOS list. Now take a moment to think about what your mind’s favourite sexual fantasies are. These are the videos that give you the strongest stress reaction and the strongest sexual arousal response. These are usually the fantasies that your mind tries to get you to focus on when you masturbate.

You might have one top fantasy right now, or you might have a few that you rotate between. Add your top fantasies to your TOP VIDEOS list, assigning them their own numbers. Then take out your SYMBOLIC CHARACTERS list and list the main characters in each of your private fantasies. Add the stars and arrows using my instructions from Lesson 3. Then note the theme for each of your new entries. If any new themes come up that you haven’t already listed, add those to your ORIGINAL TRAUMA ELEMENTS LIST. Now put a star (*) next to any themes on your ORIGINAL TRAUMA ELEMENTS LIST that come up in your private fantasies.

Our friend Sam came up with two themes when he analysed his porn videos. When he then analyses his top sexual fantasies, he finds both of those themes coming up again, so he puts a star next to both of them.

The reason we’re adding stars is that we want to pay attention to what your mind is emphasizing as most important. When your mind latches onto various porn videos, it’s saying, “I consider the main themes in these videos to be very relevant to a problem that is really stressing me.” But when it repeats certain themes in its own private fantasies, it’s saying, “But I especially feel that these themes are most important.”

You resolve psychological trauma by really listening to what your mind is saying, and that requires focusing and paying attention to little details. It matters which themes your mind is chasing after in the porn world. It matters which themes it tries to get you to dwell on when you masturbate. To help your mind, your soul has to learn to be a better listener, and to stop ignoring all of the important clues your mind is dropping about why it feels so upset.

Now I don’t want anyone panicking over the themes that are surfacing for them. Just because you wrote “sexual assault” down as a theme on your ORIGINAL TRAUMA ELEMENTS list doesn’t mean you have actually been sexually assaulted by someone else. But it probably does mean that you felt sexually violated by something that happened to you, and that is a very big deal to your mind.

The Power of Interpretations

Sexual trauma is caused by how you personally interpreted a situation, not by what other peoples’ motivations towards you were. The same is true with torture trauma. You might never have had anyone intentionally try to physically torture your body, yet you can end up having the same kind of psychological fallout as someone who was intentionally tortured. It all depends on how your own mind interpreted what was being done to you at the time.

A major mistake I don’t want you to make is invalidating your own interpretations. Lucy feels like she was sexually molested by her doctor as a child, and as an adult she is dealing with severe sexual trauma due to that experience. In real life, her doctor was a really nice man who never did anything to harm Lucy. He simply performed a routine examination of her private parts when she developed a troubling rash in that area. The doctor was acting professional and appropriate in what he did, but Lucy’s mind interpreted his actions as sexual molestation. Today Lucy feels like she can’t talk to anyone about her distress because they’d mock her as being ridiculous. Lucy feels like she doesn’t have permission to feel sexually violated. She feels like the only women who get to claim those feelings are women who have been actually raped by sexual predators.

Lucy can’t control how other people view her situation, but she can start validating her own feelings. If Lucy is going to heal from her trauma, she needs to stop treating her mind’s reactions as invalid. This doesn’t mean she starts accusing her doctor of molestation, because the man never did anything wrong. But we can acknowledge that we misinterpreted someone else’s motivations and validate our own feelings at the same time.

Lucy realizing that her doctor didn’t intentionally mistreat her isn’t going to fix her trauma. It’s a good step in the right direction, but we don’t resolve trauma by solely focusing on what other people’s motivations were. To resolve trauma, we need to focus on our own reactions, and on the beliefs we formed based on those reactions, because it is our beliefs that are crippling us.

Look over the entries you’ve made on your ORIGINAL TRAUMA ELEMENTS list. These themes are giving you a very vague idea of how your mind has interpreted a past experience (or multiple experiences) that you have had. Given how negative these themes are, your mind obviously has a valid reason to feel so upset. But before you can draw any conclusions about which specific real life events it’s stressing over, you need a lot more information. In our next lesson, we’ll sift out more clues from the porn videos and private fantasies that your mind is obsessing over so that we can add more details to this list. For now, shove all of your notes back into that folder and put it out of your sight. Your mind has had to work hard in this lesson, and it now deserves a break, so go do something fun.