Can I Succeed In A Straight Marriage If I’m Gay?

My girlfriend just proposed to me. It was a surprise, but I said yes because we’ve been very serious for a while and we really do love each other and have talked a lot about marriage. The only problem is that I’m gay, which is something no one knows or even suspects about me. I was born this way, but I know homosexuality is an abomination to God and I really don’t want to end up in Hell. I’m a virgin now, but I don’t think I could remain celibate my whole life. Plus I want to have a family of my own, and I want to be a good husband and father. It seems like living as if I’m straight is the only option available to me. I was just hoping you could confirm that this is something I could realistically do. Now that I’m engaged, I’m starting to feel a lot more anxious about this relationship and I’m hoping it’s just normal “settling down” nerves or something. I take marriage very seriously and I believe it is supposed to be for life, so if I do this, I’m certainly going to do everything I can to make it work. But do you think I’m making a mistake?

I’m sure it took a lot of courage to ask a question like this, so great job writing in. I have immense sympathy for the impossible dilemma you find yourself in, and I take requests for advice very seriously, so I’m not going to minimise the problem here. In your current state of mind, I think your chances of succeeding in a straight marriage are slim to none. I would advise you to call off this engagement before things progress any further because you are setting yourself up for quite the disaster down the line here. A successful marriage must be built on trust, and real trust can’t develop when you are lying to your partner about an issue like this. While you certainly don’t need to tell your partner every detail of your personal history, you can’t afford to deceive her on an issue as fundamental as who you feel sexually attracted to. Your sex drive has a major impact on your daily thoughts and behaviours, and this means it’s going to be impossible to keep your homosexuality entirely hidden once you start living with a woman and trying to work out a positive sex life with her. Even if she doesn’t suspect that you are gay, she will pick up on the fact that you’re not as comfortable as you should be interacting with her physically. By that I mean your actions won’t line up with your words, and it’s not going to take very long for those discrepancies, however small, to start sewing seeds of suspicion, hurt, and distress. Rather than set this woman up to be slowly disillusioned and crushed, you should be honest with her about where you are at. The fact that you have already lied to her as much as you have is going to create major heartbreak and pain. But in cases like this, the best thing to do is act swiftly before the mess gets any bigger.

Now fiancée aside, there are other issues here that need to be addressed. If you’re going to move forward in a positive direction, you need to gain a better understanding of why you are homosexual in the first place, and what that means for you psychologically and spiritually.

An Overview

Homosexuality occurs when your subconscious intentionally suppresses your natural sex drive and essentially rewires it to cause you to attract towards men instead of women. Your subconscious has logical reasons for doing this, but it’s vital for you to understand that you weren’t born this way. Instead, this is a complex (and rather impressive) psychological defence strategy which has been activated in response to very real, unresolved psychological stress. You also need to understand that no one has any say over what kinds of defences their minds will reach for in crisis moments. When faced with the exact same pressures, some minds will choose to rewire the sex drive, while others will choose different defences which do not interfere with how the sex drive operates. The point is that you didn’t choose to be gay, it was an automatic response by your mind. When homosexuality kicks in before puberty begins (which is very common), people honestly have no experience of feeling sexually attracted to the opposite sex, therefore they erroneously assume they were born gay. It’s a very reasonable mistake to make, but you also need to recognize that you have formed a very false assumption about yourself so you can toss out that lie and replace it with truth.

Understanding that this isn’t something you consciously chose is vital when you’re trying to understand how God views this issue. As the One who created you, God understands the mechanics of choice far better than you do, and God certainly doesn’t blame you for being gay as if this is some kind of evil thing that you chose to pursue.

The fact that you are still assuming you were born gay today tells me that your subconscious is being intentionally secretive about its reasons for overriding your sex drive. It is your soul that is defaulting to the theory that “I must have been born this way” because that seems like the most plausible explanation right now. Your subconscious knows that you were not born gay, but it is extremely common in these cases for minds to hide their personal motivations from their partner souls.

So since your mind can hear the logic your soul is using and it knows that logic is wrong, why isn’t it trying to correct your soul? Well, why poke the bear? Your soul obviously has a very negative view of being gay. It’s throwing around words like “abomination” before it’s even given your mind a chance to explain it’s own view of the situation. Because homosexuality is an attempt to manage severe psychological stress, your subconscious isn’t going to voluntarily take on even more stress by trying to dialogue with a soul that is acting so hostile. If you are going to make progress in understanding why your mind feels so stressed and identifying how you can help it deal with the root causes of that stress, you’re going to have to stop viewing your homosexuality as some hideous thing, and instead see it for what it is: your mind’s attempt to help you resolve some kind of crisis.

Now the logical reasons that fuel homosexuality are far more varied and complex than people realize. This means that another gay man’s mind can be causing him to feel gay for entirely different reasons than your mind is using. Your focus needs to be on figuring out what your own mind is thinking, not on trying to sort out what everyone else is doing.

As a problem solving strategy, homosexuality has two main aspects to it. Your mind might be interested in both of these aspects, or it might just be focused on one. The first aspect is pushing you towards something you need. The second aspect is distancing you from a threat. That second aspect will have a very strong impact on how you view women, so let’s talk about that one first.

In cases of bisexuality, we see the mind adding same sex targets to the normal opposite sex targets. In bisexuality, the natural heterosexual drive is left intact, which allows a man to still feel sexually attracted to peer females. But then his mind adds an attraction to other men, which expands the list of how many targets he can feel sexually attracted to.

By contrast, homosexuality eliminates women as potential targets for you and replaces them with men. Now we have to ask why. Why were the women eliminated, and why were the men put in? Both of these questions need to be answered before you can understand what your own mind is trying to accomplish by making you feel gay.

For some gays, women (and perhaps the entire female population) are considered dangerous, so their minds are trying to protect them from harm by killing their ability to feel sexually attracted towards women. Consider what happens if you no longer feel any romantic interest towards women. You will automatically avoid having intimate relationships with them–especially the kinds of relationships where women can interact with your body’s most guarded zones. Can you see how helpful this kind of change would be to a mind that feels threatened by females? By rewiring your sex drive to the point that you feel repulsed by women instead of drawn to them, your subconscious can get you to avoid putting yourself in situations where females can be too close to you. It’s really quite a brilliant manoeuvre.

Now when your mind is using the kind of strategy I just explained, yet your soul starts pressuring you to ignore your discomfort with women and actually marry one of them, what is going to happen when you try to have sex with your wife? By the time your subconscious has spent enormous resources rewiring your sex drive in order to protect you from getting too close to women, yet you get in bed with a woman anyway and start letting her touch you everywhere, your mind is naturally going to become very upset. From your mind’s point of view, you are walking right into the jaws of danger, yet you will still expect your mind to somehow protect you even though it has adamantly warned you to stay away. It’s quite reasonable for your mind to feel more than a little frustrated at the way you’re discounting its feelings here.

It’s vital to remember that homosexuality only occurs as a response to psychological stress. When you add even more stress to the equation by forcing yourself into a sexual relationship with someone who your mind views as a threat, you will make this whole problem much worse, not better. You can’t resolve homosexuality by heaping stress upon stress. To get your mind to abandon this particular defence strategy, you need to first help it calm down by helping it resolve its core fears and wounds. Simply blowing it off and charging full speed ahead into a heterosexual romantic relationship is only going to make your mind feel like it is being pinned into an impossible corner. In such a situation, you will very likely find your desire to sleep with other men growing much more intense until you find it impossible not to try sleeping with one in real life.

Now, yes, in a perfect world, marriage is for life and spouses never cheat on each other. But in real life, your ability to remain faithful to your spouse greatly depends on your psychological stress load. If you develop too much of certain kinds of psychological stress, you will cheat. It will feel physically impossible for you to remain faithful because your mind will essentially override your entire system and drive you out the door and into the arms of another man. This is how things work in real life: your subconscious is only going to take so much flack before it says enough and starts activating some of its more extreme emergency defences. Rather than put yourself through all of that misery, you need to respect the fact that your mind is already feeling very stressed today, and that means you need to be extra cautious about the choices you are making in your relationships. The very existence of your homosexuality tells you that your mind is feeling very stressed by certain experiences you’ve had with humans in the past. Those concerns need to be addressed before you try to shove your mind into a close relationship with a woman who it is obviously trying to steer you away from by pushing you towards men.

Now as I said earlier, homosexuality is a lot more complicated than people realize. Not all gay men view women as threatening. In some cases, women are not viewed as dangerous, they are simply viewed as obstacles to a very important goal. In this second situation, your mind is so keen for you to get into an intimate relationship with another male that it doesn’t want you wasting valuable time with women. Suppose you are craving a hearty steak dinner and someone tries to hand you a bowl of soup. You reject the soup not because you hate soup, but because you feel like you need the steak, therefore you don’t want to waste time fussing with the soup. The soup is fine as far as it goes, but it isn’t going to satisfy your current craving. If you try to eat the soup, no matter how nice of a soup it is, you’re not going to enjoy it, because the whole time you’ll be thinking about how much you need that steak.

In this second mindset, gay men feel quite comfortable having female friends, but they have no interest in getting romantic with any of those friends. Instead, they only crave romantic interactions with other men. If this is how your mind feels and you try to force yourself to play happy husband to a woman, you will likely find it impossible to have sex with her without fantasizing about other men. No matter how sexy your woman is, she simply isn’t going to turn you on, and that’s just not an issue you’re going to be able to keep under wraps for very long once everyone is getting naked. Your subconscious has the final say about what kinds of targets can trigger feelings of sexual arousal in you, and when your subconscious is craving that steak dinner (men), it is likely going to get quite annoyed at you trying to make it settle for soup instead.

Motivations for Attraction

Now that we’ve talked about the women, let’s talk about the men. Why is your mind pushing you towards male intimate partners? At first glance, it’s easy to assume that your mind views males positively, so it’s simply pushing you towards something it likes. But things are actually more complicated than this. Once you understand that all sex drive overrides (including bisexuality, transsexualism, pedophilia, and bestiality) are attempts to manage intense psychological distress, you can understand why any theory you come up with to explain your behaviour which does not identify a major threat is going to be incorrect. This isn’t a case of your mind deciding it prefers men over women just because. There is always a threat in the equation somewhere, and in cases of homosexuality, that threat will be linked to one or both of the genders. This is because homosexuality occurs when your mind decides that gender was a critical element in some stressful situation (or series of situations) that you went through in the past.

If you feel you are able to rule out females as being threatening to you, you then need to consider the possibility that males are the source of the problem. Because they feel themselves being attracted towards other males, gay men often misdiagnose their behaviour. After all, why would your mind push you towards someone who it feels threatened by? There are many logical answers to this question.

Scenario 1: Avoid Dangerous Females

Since this gets so complicated, I’m going to use some charts to make things more clear. Let’s start with the simplest situation first. In this first scenario, your mind feels threatened by females so it tries to keep you safe by pushing you towards males. The males function like a “safe harbour” in which you can attempt to get the benefits of a normal, heterosexual relationship without actually having to be with a woman.

When your mind is using this first scenario, it might push you to roleplay a female by acting effeminate. Another common scenario is that you will continue to act masculine, but you will seek out a man who is acting effeminate so you can feel like you’ve symbolically paired up with a woman. When you see gay couples in which one man is acting masculine while the other is acting effeminate, that couple is trying to imitate a heterosexual couple. What’s the motivation here? Well, despite what you’re told by the LGBT community, your natural sex drive is not gone; it’s simply being suppressed. This means the original desire to pair up with a woman is still in you, and for many gays, there is a concerted effort to get as close to a woman as they can–only to feel safe, they need that woman to come in male packaging.

Scenario 2: Symbolically Interact with a Past Antagonist

In this second scenario, females are viewed normally, but males are considered very dangerous. This second scenario is often in play when the original trauma involved a male assaulting you in some way (physically, sexually, or emotionally). The strange twist here is that instead of driving you away from males, your mind actually pushes you towards the very source of its fears.

In this second scenario, your mind is very selective about what kind of male partner it wants you to pair up with. It is essentially looking for a man who will feel like a symbolic match to the male from your past who originally upset you. A very common example here is a past sexual abuser (such as a man who molested you when you were a boy). The key goal in this second scenario is to find a lover who will be willing to re-enact a past traumatic event with you. This often results in you and your boyfriend engaging in abusive forms of sexual interaction (such as experimenting with BDSM). The power in the relationship will also be mismanaged, with one of you being too dominant and the other being too submissive in your daily interactions.

Now how you will try to attract your partner depends on which role your mind wants you to play in the relationship. Remember what the underlying goal is: minds are intentionally trying to recreate very specific, negative relationship dynamics which both men have experienced in their own lives. If your subconscious has an aggressive temperament, it will likely push you to play the abuser in this relationship. This means you will likely act masculine, and you will either look for another masculine male who is easy to stomp on, or you will look for a male who is acting effeminate.

If your mind has a passive temperament and it is using this strategy, it is more likely to push you towards a male partner who is acting masculine, not effeminate. As for you, you could either retain your masculine qualities, or you could end up behaving effeminately. Either way, you will refuse to hold your fair share of power in the relationship and you will find many ways to encourage your partner to mistreat you.

The key insight I want you to glean from this is that minds have very specific, logical agendas for using the homosexuality defence. When you view this as a “natural biological quality” that you were simply born with, you are going to massively misinterpret your own behaviour. Because this is a symptom of psychological stress, you aren’t going to be able to calm your mind down until you figure out what it is actually trying to do. In all cases of homosexuality, minds are ultimately trying to defend against a scary threat. The specific threat that your mind is focused on needs to be identified and respected if you’re going to make any positive headway.

Scenario 3: Fill a Void

In this third scenario, the problem is once again being caused by specific males from your past. It might be one, or it might be several, but the key issue here is that those males were considered to be sources of critical male attention which your mind feels it never got enough of. Because family members are usually the most powerful people in a child’s life, it is usually family members (especially your primary male guardians) who your mind is obsessing over here. The crisis is caused when those key males are viewed as severely withholding male affirmation from you. A lack of emotional affirmation often does the most damage here (such as a father who never says “I love you”), but a lack of physical affirmation also causes intense psychological pain (such as a father who avoids hugging you). Typically these troublesome males do not improve their behaviour towards you during childhood. Instead, they often continue to starve you out as you enter adulthood. In some cases, these critical male figures were entirely absent from your life (such as a father who died before you were born) , or they left your life too early (such as a father who leaves when you are very young). In other cases, they remain in your life and continue to heap on more pain as they continue to withhold from you.

In response to this crisis, your mind will often try to pair you up with another male who feels like a symbolic match to the male who originally starved you out. Because the original males are usually significantly older than you, it is common for you to seek out a stand-in for them who is also quite a bit older than you. In cases where young men are seeking out romantic relationships with middle aged or older men, this third scenario is often at work. (For the older partners, an entirely different psychological strategy is being used which I won’t get into here.)

In this scenario, the hope is that you can try to get your symbolic partner to fill the internal void that those original males created by withholding their affirmation from you. Unfortunately, by the time your mind selects a convincing stand-in for your original males, that stand-in is likely to also treat you badly, and you can find yourself in even more pain than you were in before. What often happens here is a whole lot of desperate compromising, chasing, and grovelling on your part until the relationship finally tanks and you decide to try again with someone else.

Here the specific need is for male attention, and since females can’t provide that kind of attention, your mind doesn’t bother with them. In this third scenario, you might have a lot of female friends, and you might even prefer hanging out with females over males since males have caused you so much pain in the past. But you will inwardly hunger for a male romantic partner, so pursuing romantic relationships with women will leave you feeling totally unsatisfied.

Mowing Through Partners

Now in all of these scenarios–and especially the last two–your mind can find it difficult to locate a partner for you who really checks all of the boxes on its “ideal partner” list. When this is the case, you can find yourself acting quite promiscuous: racking up sexual flings with a bunch of males who you barely know, or falling into a pattern of cheating on boyfriends who are being faithful to you. Once again, we must remember that this is a stress-driven issue, and when there is a bunch of unresolved stress in the equation, it’s pretty unrealistic to expect yourself to live up to your own definition of a “good” partner.

The Divine Perspective

Because the “abomination” language is usually being pulled from the Christian Bible, it is widely assumed that God views all homosexuals as a bunch of despicable perverts. This is absolutely false. In the first place, realize that Christians do an abysmal job of explaining the context of the verses that they select to use as ammo against people. Secondly, realize that homosexuality only exists because God created it.

Human minds have a vast array of tools and strategies that they use to deal with stressful situations. God created every one of those options. God also designed minds to have different personalities, and this results in every mind having its own personal preferences about which kinds of defence tools it likes to use. Your mind couldn’t override your sex drive unless God first gave it the ability to do so. God does not consider it to be an “abomination” or a moral failing when your mind does what He designed it to do. But that said, God doesn’t promote this guff about people being “born gay”, either. Despite what many gays are telling themselves, God is not going to “celebrate” you rolling in the sack with another man like it’s oh so wonderful that you’re “being true to yourself.”

Psychological defence strategies have a lot of drawbacks. Some are more effective than others. Some are guaranteed to make a royal mess of things, and some do immense damage to people as they roll out. I would be a pretty poor adviser if I told you that there is no risk to engaging in homosexual relations. There’s just no escaping the fact that human anatomy was not designed for oral or anal sex, so when we go down those roads, we are guaranteed to do damage to both ourselves and our partners. But that said, there is an immense difference between knowing something is bad and having the ability to avoid doing it.

By the time your mind decides it is worthwhile to massively revise your natural sex drive, it is grappling with severe stress. The fabulous thing about God is that He understands how frail we humans are. He understands that when we are in states of severe stress, we often find ourselves feeling compelled to do things that our souls don’t want to do. When it comes to the subject of your homosexuality, God wants your soul to submit to His assessment of your situation. He also wants your soul to submit to His definition of “reasonable expectations.” There are many gays who simply do not have enough internal resources to resist engaging in homosexual relationships. Due the kinds of stress that drives homosexuality, the emotional bonds that form between two gay partners can feel extremely intense and vital for survival. God understands this. He does not expect a starving man to be able to resist the temptation to steal a loaf of bread that is placed right in front of him. God is far more reasonable and easier to succeed with than many people think. But God isn’t pleased when we go around calling “abnormal” “normal” and pretending that nothing is wrong with people mistreating each other or trying to say that God’s original design for humans is irrelevant. When we pretend that terms like male and female are meaningless, we are insulting God’s design and His intelligence. We didn’t get any say in how God designed humans to function. The best we can do is ask Him to help us understand His desires for us, then try to align with the things He teaches us. If you sincerely care about pleasing God, He will always make succeeding with Him very possible for you to do. Since it isn’t possible for you to just snap your fingers and change your sexual orientation, you really need to let go of the lie that you can’t please God unless you’re either truly heterosexual or putting on a good show of being one. Deceiving your fiancée and setting her up for massive heartbreak down the road while also tormenting your own mind by forcing yourself to interact with a woman in ways that make you uncomfortable–none of these are winning strategies. Rather than continue to dodge this issue with God, a very useful prayer to pray would be this:

“God, You know that I’m gay and that I feel hopeless about ever changing that. I respect the fact that You want men to pair up with women, not other men, but You understand better than I do why I can’t do that right now. You also understand why I feel like celibacy is impossible for me, so at this point, I’m totally stuck, and I don’t see how I’m going to get unstuck without Your help. Please show me where You want me to go from here. At the end of the day, my relationship with You is what matters most, so please show me how I can move closer to You in my current state.”

After praying a prayer like this, you then need to be open to God leading you in some unexpected ways.  In real life, there are a lot of gay couples in the world today who are making excellent progress both personally and in their relationships with God, all in the midst of having a full-blown gay lifestyle.  God works with us where we are at, and while there are many people who will tell you that you can’t get anywhere with God unless you are avoiding all homosexual activity, you need to let God be the One who directs your relationship with Him, not humans. 

As I said before, if you want to succeed with God, He will always make that very possible for you to do, so whenever you find yourself in a position where God seems to be demanding things from you that you just can’t deliver, you need to realize that you are not hearing Him clearly and you need to ask Him to give you further guidance.  God will never reject you over something that your subconscious is or isn’t doing.  God judges you by how your soul is responding to Him, and homosexuality is not a spiritual issue, it is a psychological defence strategy.  As soon as you say to yourself “God is upset with me because of what my mind is doing or because of how my body is behaving,” you are embracing a false view of how Divine judgment actually works.  In such moments, I recommend that you review these charts to help you sort out the true source of the conviction you are receiving.

This post was written in response to Everett.