I’ve noticed my fetish is microphilia and pedophilia preferring age 10. I’m not sure how the microphilia came into play. But I’ve had it for years. Why do you think that is and what is my subconscious trying to replay? Because in real life that’s not possible.
First, my sympathies for your situation. That is a very frustrating combination to be stuck with. Let’s start with what we do know. In both of these cases, your subconscious is intentionally overriding and redirecting your natural sex drive. That tells us we have significant psychological distress happening. It also tells us that whatever event (or events) initially caused the distress was interpreted at the time by your subconscious to be linked in some way to sexual interactions. Bear in mind that that association could have been made directly (by experiencing a direct sexual assault) or indirectly (such as experiencing something that felt sexually violating even though that was not the intention). Also realise that how your mind interpreted what happened to you might not match anyone’s actual intentions at the time or the way anyone else would have interpreted the event. In cases of trauma, it is your own mind’s interpretation that counts, not anyone else’s.
Let’s now map out what clues your mind is providing so far. It’s best to keep things general when you start this kind of analysis, then narrow things down as your mind provides you with more information. So far, this is what we can tell just by the existence of these two sexual reactions:
It’s vital to remember that your mind expresses distress in many different ways. One of the very confusing things about pedophilia is that the strong sexual arousal and the pleasurable physical sensations that occur during sexual stimulation and orgasms seem to imply that your mind is happy, when in reality, it is terrified. The sexual arousal that gets triggered by pedophilia is a fear based arousal. What happens in your case, for example, is that your subconscious has already tagged some very upsetting memory file as having to do with 10-year-olds. When you then come too close to 10-year-olds in real life, your mind automatically pulls up that original trauma file, and leaps to the assumption that you are in danger. It’s the same kind of logic that causes a man to panic when someone lights a match in his presence because that tiny little flame causes his mind to pull up the traumatic memory of the man’s clothes catching fire many years before and resulting in him being severely scalded. The trigger is causing your mind to feel that you are in danger because the trigger is strongly linked to some detail of a traumatic memory file.
Now in a previous post (which you should read if you haven’t already), I explain how traumatic memories are formed and I use an example in which you were attacked by a dog as a child and psychologically traumatised by that event. Later on as an adult, when your friend tries to introduce you to her dog, your mind runs the following assessment:
Notice that first step in which your subconscious checks its memory archives for any other “dog” related experiences. Your subconscious is constantly performing these kinds of checks. Reviewing what has happened to you in the past is one of the main ways that your subconscious tries to assess how it can keep you safe in the present and in the future.
Now in your case, your mind’s extreme reaction to 10-year-olds tells us that there is at least one very upsetting trauma file in its archives right now in which it has filed under the broader heading of “10-year-old kids” If that original trauma file did not have any sexual content in it, you would simply experience panic when you are around 10-year-olds. You would react to them like you might react to some scary monster or a ticking bomb. There would not be a sexual response.
The fact that there is a sexualized fear response tells us that the original trauma memory has both sexual content and a focus on children. It is the very strong connection between these two themes that are causing the kind of response you are experiencing.
A similar thing is occurring with the microphilia, only in that case your mind is linking the sexual content with a theme of tiny people.
Pedophilia never surfaces alone. There are always other trauma symptoms accompanying it. This is because in any given moment, your subconscious is diligently monitoring your entire surroundings, and your surroundings are always complex. When a child is sexually assaulted, for example, he (or she) is located in a physical environment that has all kinds of details in it. There are likely many different kinds of colours, shapes, and textures surrounding the child. There will be a variety of sounds and a specific level of lighting. There could be several objects of furniture and items of décor. Your mind will register all of these things, but it will only highlight a few of these details as especially significant. Whatever details it happens to focus on (and there are no right or wrong answers here), will very likely become tangled up with sex for you later on if the original trauma was sexual in nature.
Now pedophilia is generally caused by your mind focusing on your own age at the time that something awful happened to you. But in many cases, the mind will try to protect you by burying those original trauma memories and focusing on an age that is a bit older. Over time many pedophiles experience a shift in their trigger age–usually it slides down to younger and younger ages as their mental stress load increases. What’s happening in these cases is that the mind is shifting its reactions to be closer and closer matches to the original trauma file. Let’s use an example to make this more clear.
Joe was sexually assaulted when he was 6 years old. At that time, Joe’s mind locked onto his own age. This results in a strong link between young children and sexual assault. As an adult, Joe finds himself experiencing pedophilia. At first, he has the strongest response to young teen boys. Over time, he starts feeling aroused by younger and younger boys until he finally reaches boys who appear to be around 6 years old. His arousal/fear response towards these younger boys is even stronger than his response to young teens was.
Not all pedophiles experience this kind of sliding. It depends on how many other traumas happened to them during childhood and what other stresses their minds are dealing with on a daily basis. Many pedophiles fixate on their own age from the beginning, meaning that the age that triggers them is very close to or an exact match to how old they were at the time they were originally traumatised.
Now since the whole age thing is functioning to remind you of a terrible thing that happened to you in the past, the closer the trigger age gets to what your actual age was at the time, the stronger your fear response will become. Since your mind highlighted several different details about your original experience, there are several different kinds of details that can trigger that fearful sexual response in you today. If these details come together at the same time, your response will be even more intense. In your case, for example, ten-year-olds and tiny people are two separate triggers. But should your mind find a way to weave both of those themes into the same sexual fantasy, or if you were to find both of those themes in a porn video, your arousal/fear response would be even stronger. The closer you get to feeling like you are reliving your original trauma, the stronger your fear will be. Since sexual traumas often result in sexualised fear responses, examining the pattern and strength of your own sexual arousal responses can give you very helpful insights into how your mind is viewing your past.
Now since the term microphilia is used so broadly, with some people focusing on real human dwarves and others focusing on tiny plastic toy soldiers, to help you further with this, I would need more details. If you would like to set up an appointment to talk on the phone, I could help you rule a lot of things out very quickly. If you’re interested in that option, send me a request with an email address that I can contact you at.
If talking doesn’t work for you right now but you want to proceed with your own analysis, I’d suggest that you start with the theory that your microphilia is likely being caused by your mind focusing on some figure or image of a small human that was in your environment at the time you were originally traumatised. To narrow down what this original thing was, I suggest you start by identifying which kinds of mini humans give you the strongest arousal response today. The stronger the response, the better the object/image/person matches what you originally saw.
Now if you feel that you have a good recall of what originally happened to you (this will be a very upsetting experience that had sexual themes to it), and if you feel you can review those traumatic memory files without triggering panic, the best place to start would be to ask yourself, “Do I recall seeing any pictures, figures, or toys resembling small humans at the time I was traumatised?” Remember to consider things like clothing or patterns drawn on a bedspread. If you were sexually assaulted by someone, for example, and he or she was wearing a shirt with a drawing of a person on it, that could be enough to cause this issue. Or if you were wearing clothing with small human figures on them (which a lot of child clothing has), that could also be enough.
Focused staring is a common child response to feeling afraid. A boy who looks down out of fear and happens to end up staring at his own pyjamas which are printed with miniature human figures could easily end up forming a strong psychological link between those figures and horrible things happening to his body. Or a girl who looks away from her attacker in a rape situation and ends up visually focusing on her collection of dolls could easily develop a strong link between those human looking dolls and sexual violation, which could end up giving her microphilia. The key thing to understand here is that the details that are causing this could have been very small–the kind of details that would seem trivial to you today, and the kinds of details that you wouldn’t normally notice as an adult. When your mind is on red alert, it becomes hyper-focused and your bodily senses become hyperactive as your mind demands as much data as your body can possibly give it in that moment. When your elements are in this kind of emergency mode, tiny details are often hyper-focused on, and the resulting memory files end up having a strong emphasis on details that your mind would normally brush off as irrelevant, such as the specific pattern on wallpaper or the texture of a rug.
The Soul-Mind Relationship
It is your soul that is confused about the origins of this microphilia. Your mind (specifically your subconscious) knows exactly why it is obsessing over mini humans. The fact that your soul is drawing a blank here indicates your mind is intentionally withholding information and refusing to explain itself to its partner element. Your mind has many reasons for being secretive, all of which have to do with keeping your internal stress load manageable. If you want to help your mind with its trauma stress, it is vital that you approach it in a respectful and compassionate manner.
This is a good time to reflect on the tone your soul has previously been using when it has expressed its frustration over the microphilia issue. Often in these cases, souls tend to attack their partner minds with comments like, “What’s your problem, sicko?! Why are you making up these disgusting fantasies?” Your mind is not going to respond positively to this kind of approach. It’s going to get angry, defensive, and even more secretive. To make progress in any kind of self-help endeavour, it’s important to work on improving the relationship between your soul and your mind. You do this by assuming that your mind’s reactions–however bizarre–are very logical, reasonable responses to whatever is bothering it. You then gently invite your mind to share more about what is bothering it so that you can try to find a way to help it.
Now as critical as compassion is, to come across as authentic, it must be paired with respect for your mind’s boundaries. Your subconscious is not all-powerful. It has limits. It can only deal with so much stress at a time. It understands what its limitations are better than your soul does, so when it is being cagey with the details, your soul needs to respect that your mind might feel that it does not have the resources to dredge up its most upsetting memories right now. When your mind refuses to give your soul access to a specific set of memories, or when it will only let you access a few fragments, the wise response is to back off and stop pressing. Work instead with the information that your mind is willing to share and then wait for it to offer more.
Even minds that are being very secretive are dropping a lot of hints about what’s bothering them. You can usually do a lot with this information if you know where to look for it. Whenever you’re dealing with a sex drive override, the most useful sources of clues are the sexual fantasies that your own mind produces. Such fantasies are produced by your subconscious, and they are filled with symbolic imagery that is directly linked to what originally happened to you. There is a lot you can learn from examining the emotional themes of these fantasies, as well as the way the characters behave.
If you want to take a run at doing an in-depth analysis of these fantasies on your own, I suggest that you start working your way through my series on Decoding Your Porn Addiction. The same principles of analysis are used to decode porn videos and private mental fantasies, but private mental fantasies are the more helpful material by far. If you try to work through that series, simply use your mind’s favourite mental fantasies instead of porn videos. These will be the fantasies it tries to run the most often, and especially the ones that give you the strongest arousal response. In your case, it sounds like your mind is focusing on visuals that are anatomically impossible, and therefore would probably be difficult to film. So I’m assuming you have either not tried or not been successful at finding a satisfying online video with a microphilia theme. But again, your mind’s original material (your self-produced sexual fantasies) are the best material for this kind of analysis.
In any kind of sexual trauma, your mind ends up hyper-focusing on many different details of that experience. Some details are pulled from the main event that happened to you, while others are pulled from seemingly irrelevant aspects of your surroundings. Once your mind has collected its list of “significant details,” it will start forming pairs, typically by matching the main traumatic event (such as you being raped) with an environmental detail (such as a stuffed animal). As your mind scrutinises its pairings, some very bizarre fantasies can result (such as you raping a stuffed animal).
In your case, this pairing mechanic is what’s causing both the microphilia and the pedophilia. For the microphilia, your mind is examining the pairing of sexual distress with tiny humans. For the pedophilia, your mind is scrutinising the relationship between sexual distress and a child of a specific age (who likely represents you). Pretty much all of the strange fetishes people develop are a result of this pairing mechanic.
So what’s the point of your mind pairing things up like this? Trauma is caused by unresolved distress, and by scrutinising its pairs, your subconscious is trying to resolve its distress over what happened to you. While the resulting fetishes can seem quite bizarre, your mind’s method is actually quite reasonable. It’s simply trying to examine the same problem from many different angles, hoping to suddenly have an “aha” moment about how to fix it.
Suppose you noticed that your coffee cup was making a strange squeaking sound every time you picked it up or set it down. What would you do? You’d start scrutinising the cup. You’d pull it close to your face, turn it every way there is, and search for any abnormality on its surface that could be causing the squeaks. You wouldn’t just examine each portion of the cup once; you’d keep going over the same areas again and again until an explanation was finally revealed. This is what your mind is doing when it obsesses over the concepts of age 10 and mini people. It’s trying to understand how those things played a role (if any) in causing the terrible thing that happened to you in the past. It wants to understand as much about the past as it can because it wants to protect you from that same thing happening again in the future. As always, your mind is demonstrating its deep devotion to you by refusing to slack in its duty as your protector. It feels that it must make sense of the past and it must figure out how to defend against that sort of thing in the future.
When your soul fails to recognise your mind’s noble intentions here, and instead tries to bully your mind into stopping its analysis efforts (aka, the disturbing sexual fantasies), your mind is going to be understandably peeved by your soul’s lack of appreciation for how hard your mind is trying to work at solving what feels like is an impossible yet urgent problem. So it’s a mess, but happily one that can be sorted out if you use the right approach. Start by focusing on softening your soul’s approach to your mind. Emphasize compassion and respect instead of criticism and shaming. Then either talk with me or start doing your own analysis using my porn series as a guide.
This post was written in response to Leaf.