Male-to-Male Oral Rape: Understanding Trauma Symptoms

I’m grappling with a handful of sexual fixations and would like your assistance to gain a deeper understanding so I can get unstuck…

The symptoms you describe are very logical reactions to being orally raped by another male. Let’s now go through each symptom so we can appreciate how they logically link back to your original trauma.

Larger Than Life Genitalia

While this can certainly seem like a bizarre and distressing arousal trigger, it actually makes perfect sense, especially due to the fact that your original rapist was male. While female genitals are hidden from view by folds of skin, male genitals are positioned in plain view. This means that as soon as your rapist pulled his pants down, his genitals would instantly be on full display.

It’s important to realise that your subconscious is fully active from the moment you are born, and it doesn’t take long at all for it to identify your own privates as being a highly sensitive and vulnerable part of your physical body. This is why mere infants who can neither walk or talk are capable of becoming psychologically traumatised: while their bodies are still developing, their subconsciouses are fully online and closely monitoring what is happening to them. Fast forward to a young school age and your subconscious is not only hyper vigilant about protecting your own privates, it is also able to recognize the private regions on other people’s bodies. Due to your subconscious having a very strong belief that private areas are meant to be kept guarded and, well, private, your subconscious will instantly recognize your rapist’s behaviour as alarming and inappropriate the moment he pulls his pants down. No one needs to explain to you that the boy should not be revealing his groin area to you because you instinctively understand that his behaviour is wrong.

Now consider what your normal reaction is to seeing something bizarre. Suppose you saw a purple bird sitting in a tree. That is bizarre. Birds are not supposed to be purple. How would you react to this discovery? You would immediately focus on the bird. Your attention would lock onto it simply because its presence is not making logical sense.

When your rapist pulled his pants down, your subconscious would conclude that it was bizarre, inappropriate, and illogical for the boy to suddenly reveal his privates to you. Whenever your subconscious is presented with a strange situation, its natural instinct is to hyperfocus on it and start trying to sort out some logical explanation for what is happening.

Now whenever your mind hyperfocuses on something, it is entirely natural for it to record images of that thing which are not a match to real life. In any kind of invasive trauma situation, for example, it is entirely natural for minds to record exaggerated dimensions of whatever body part or object was inserted into the bodies they are protecting. Medical tools can easily be remembered as much larger and longer than they were in real life. The genitals of rapists are often remembered as much bigger than they were. A key principle to bear in mind here is that your subconscious creates your memory files. We tend to think of our mind like a camera and our memories like the pictures that camera takes. But this is not at all how it works. Your memory files are more like paintings which an artist creates from scratch. Certainly your subconscious takes into consideration the raw sensory data that your body’s senses are sending in, and that includes things like colour, shape and size. But rather than try to create a memory file which exactly matches that incoming data, your subconscious intentionally alters the details so that the memory file it produces is guaranteed to differ to some degree from the sensory data it is supposed to be based on. In other words, none of your memories are perfectly accurate. They are all being affected by your subconscious exercising its “artistic freedom”. This brings us to another very important principle: the more stressed you are, the less accurate your memories will be.

Now wait–if your subconscious’ goal is to protect you, why would it want to record false data? Wouldn’t it make more sense for it to strive to be as accurate as possible when recording what happened to you in its memory database? Well, let’s think about this. For starters, none of us begin to appreciate the sheer volume of information our subconsciouses are bombarded with every day. Even as you read this article, there is a torrent of sensory data flooding into your subconscious which it is having to sort through at the same time that it helps you make sense out of what you’re reading. A word, for example, is really just a series of random marks. The only way you can “read” anything is if your subconscious constantly matches the letter combinations you’re seeing with both sounds and meanings from its memory database. Notice how as you read right now, there is a voice in your head that is pronouncing every word you see. Whose voice is that? That’s your conscious articulating what your subconscious is communicating to it. It is your subconscious that is defining every single word to you right now, and notice how fast it’s doing that. But at the same time that it is reading this article to your conscious for the benefit of your soul (who is listening to what your conscious is saying), your subconscious is also trying to analyse all of the sensory data your body is bombarding it with so that it can detect any threats in your current environment. In other words, it’s reading to you and guarding you at the same time. It’s also analysing a bunch of internal feedback from your body that neither your soul nor your conscious can hear. That feedback helps your subconscious monitor your body’s general condition (such as how hungry, thirsty, and comfortable it is). In addition to all of that, your subconscious is also trying to work on its current list of unresolved problems, which includes working on this whole rape trauma issue.

Imagine a man who is trying to cook a complicated meal, study a complicated foreign language, work out a new budget, and solve ten really complicated calculus problems all at the same time. That’s your subconscious. That’s how it operates 24/7. It’s because it is this busy all the time that it can’t afford to make accuracy a priority in its memory files.

Accurate memory files would simply provide your subconscious with a bunch of random movie clips that have no obvious significance. Your subconscious doesn’t have the time or resources to reanalyse every movie clip over and over again, so instead of storing accurate memories, it stores annotated memories.

Understanding Annotated Memories

Annotated memories are like a page of text that you’ve marked up with your own personal notes:

Notice all of the highlighted phrases in this image. There are several different colours of highlight being used, not just one. Your subconscious uses a similar highlighting system in every memory file it makes.

Notice how in this image most of the text is not highlighted. If these were your own notes and you went to review this text, what would you focus on? Just the highlighted phrases. Instead of reading through all of the text again, line by line, you’d let your eyes jump from highlight to highlight, trusting in your initial assessment of the material and only focusing on what you decided was important when you first read through it. This is how it works when your subconscious reviews its memory files: it trusts its own notes. It focuses primarily on the details that it highlighted when it first created the file, while it treats the rest of the details as less important.

Now in the above image, notice those handwritten notes in the margin. Those notes aren’t part of the original material; they’ve been added in. Your subconscious attaches its own notes to every memory file it creates, and those notes help it quickly remember how it originally interpreted what happened to you.

In all cases of trauma, it is our beliefs that end up causing us all of the stress. Those beliefs are a result of how we originally interpreted what happened to us. Those beliefs are stored as notes that are attached to our traumatic memories, while the memories themselves are full of highlights. In your case, your mind has a collection of memory files that record you being orally raped by another boy. Specific details of those original memory files have been highlighted as extra significant by your subconscious, and it is those highlighted details that are causing a lot of the strange fetishes which you find distressing today. Yet to your mind, those fetishes aren’t “strange” at all.

A fetish is formed when your mind strongly associates something with the general concept of sex. In your case, male genitals have been strongly linked with sex, which is entirely logical because a male used his genitals to sexually interact with you. Why have the genitals been recorded as so large in your memory files? There are two ways the size was likely enhanced. The first is that your mind would have hyperfocused on the boy’s genitals once they were exposed to you because it would have immediately understood that something was wrong about that situation. As I explained earlier, hyperfocusing alone can easily result in exaggerated proportions being recorded. But in your case, it’s quite likely that we have the added issue of the boy shoving his genitals into your face. Things naturally appear larger to you as they move closer to your face, and nothing is more “in your face” than an oral rape situation. By the time we combine the hyperfocus issue with the proximity issue, it is entirely reasonable for your subconscious to become fixated on the concept of alarmingly large genitals. Because this whole experience was so upsetting, we have the added factor of fear, and fear is another very common size enhancer.

Anything that you are very afraid of will often be recorded with exaggerated features: whether it’s a dog jumping on you, a car racing towards you, or a hairy spider appearing on your pillow. Fear is your mind’s emotional response to feeling threatened and your mind will always hyperfocus on any threat to your safety. What happens when you hyperfocus? The memory files become altered. At this point it’s likely that you don’t have any accurate recall of your rapist’s genitals. Often once these things get recorded with exaggerated proportions, the proportions never get corrected. Does it matter if you can’t correct proportions? No, but it can be very helpful to recognize when your memories are likely to have some exaggerated features. For example, a boy who is attacked by a dog might remember that dog as being four times larger than it was. Rather than go through life feeling confused by his inability to track down a species of dog that matches the one he remembers, it can be very helpful for the boy to realise that his memory of the dog is inaccurate and that there really isn’t some freakishly large beast out there that only he has encountered.

The fact that we remember things differently than how they actually were doesn’t mean we’re “crazy”. It’s actually evidence of intelligence, because the inaccuracies are strategic, not random, and they serve a practical purpose of helping our minds do a better job of recognizing when we are in danger.

Expanding Fetishes

So since your rapist was male, why are you now at a point where both male and female super-sized genitals are triggering sexual arousal? Notice your language here:

 Again, women are included, but the focus is primarily on boys. 

The focus is primarily on boys because it was a boy who originally raped you. But over time, all fetishes will broaden and new fetishes will develop if the underlying causes are not being addressed. So over time, we see your mind expanding from feeling agitated not just by male genitals, but female ones as well. What it’s really communicating here is how stressed it feels by the general concept of genitals, because genitals were a primary factor in your original trauma. Again, this is entirely logical.

After being stabbed in an evergreen forest, Jane feels terrified of forests which look similar to the one she was originally attacked in. But as time goes on and her fears are not addressed, she starts feeling stressed by any kind of forest–even white birch forests which look very different than evergreen ones. This what always happens with trauma based fears: they start out very specific, but over time they become broader and broader, and that means those negative emotional responses can get triggered by more and more things. In cases of sexual assault, sexual arousal is a common expression of psychological panic, so as trauma fears expand or generalise, you find yourself becoming sexually aroused by more and more triggers. Because these triggers are based on the details of some terrible thing that happened to you, they often seem disturbing, inappropriate, and bizarre. Kids, super sized genitals, animals, body fluids–we automatically recognize that these are inappropriate and abnormal arousal triggers. Yet when we look closer and listen to what our minds are telling us, we will find that every arousal trigger we have was formed for very logical reasons and is linked to specific experiences we’ve had in the past.

Body Fluids

Let’s now move on to this fluid symptom that is troubling you.

Yet another prominent theme in these scenes is the ingestion of sexual fluids. I feel as though I’m “fluid bonding” with the person–as if I’m somehow taking in their energy or essence…I don’t know. My mind seems to associate ingesting the fluids with the concepts of vulnerability, acceptance, friendship, intimacy, connection, loyalty etc. 

This is another logical link from the oral rape. It strongly suggests your rapist’s penis deposited some kind of fluid in your mouth which you likely swallowed. Given the extremely negative and gagging mechanics involved when a penis is shoved into your mouth, it would be pretty difficult not to swallow any fluids that were discharged. But notice how your mind is specifically focusing on the issue of sexual fluids. Due to the way the boy was interacting with you, he could have peed in your mouth and it would have been interpreted as a sexual fluid. We don’t have to assume sperm here. Your mind obviously finds the whole situation horrendous, as well it should, so it is having a very strong reaction to many aspects of it.

Notice how your mind is linking this (forced) ingestion of fluid with the concept of “bonding”. It is the invasive nature of the trauma that is causing this association with intimacy. Any time sexual organs are involved, a very strong sense of intimacy is immediately created between the attacker and the victim. But let’s be clear: your mind feels repulsed and terrified by this intimacy because it was forced and unwanted. You are incorrect in assuming your mind is linking this “fluid bonding” issue with anything positive, such as friendship. Regardless of how they behave on the surface, minds are never okay with sexual assault. When our minds appear to be linking our original trauma with positive themes like friendship, acceptance, and loyalty, we are not looking close enough at what’s really going on behind the scenes.

When you go through any kind of physically invasive trauma which involved you feeling completely dominated by your attacker, there is immense psychological terror both in the moment and afterwards as your mind reels with shock and confusion over what just happened. The more invasive the experience is (meaning how deeply and/or violently your body felt penetrated), the more intense the resulting terror will be. In your case, an awareness that you swallowed some kind of discharge from your rapist’s penis would have the effect of feeling like he “penetrated” you down to the core of your body. Rape victims typically feel a strong sense of deep core invasion, but in your case we have the added distress of an unwanted physical fluid running all the way through your digestive tract. The symbolism here is extremely negative, because it’s as if your rapist fully conquered all of your physical terrain, both externally and internally. Such an experience will easily leave you feeling completely defenceless, degraded, and without any control over your own body space. How do you even begin to prepare for a repeat of this kind of attack in the future? After being so trampled on the first time, it would feel futile to try to build up any physical defences, so your mind will feel forced to reach for a very different kind of strategy.

Trauma Rehearsal

When your mind feels incapable of physically protecting you from a specific kind of threat and when it also feels convinced that that threat will arise again in the near future, it will often turn to a defence strategy that I call trauma rehearsal. The goal here is to build up psychological defences which can compensate for a lack of physical options. Once minds commit to this kind of strategy, their common instinct is to try to learn to like whatever hideous thing originally happened to. In your case, the goal would be to learn to like being orally raped. But your mind won’t just try to acclimate you to a simple, straightforward form of this. Instead, it will try to prepare you for a complex assault experience which will emphasize specific themes and specific forms of physical interactions.

All minds focus on customised experiences when they practice trauma rehearsal, and the customisations will vary quite a bit from person to person. Ten different oral rape victims who all start using this kind of defence strategy will end up with ten distinctly different oral rape fantasies. In each case, the oral rape experience will play out in ways that mirror specific themes that the mind is most upset by. In your case, we see a strong theme of you feeling degraded, which is extremely common in these cases, however notice the theme of someone stuffing their privates (front or back) into your face:

Either I’m asked to do things or I request to do things like having them sit on my face or softly rub their butt or crotch on my face–their feet too. Other submissive things I like to do include giving foot massages, being petted (usually on the head), and cuddled. I will also nuzzle and tickle their feet, crotch, neck, and butt. They’re free to do the same to me if they want, but only if they do it tenderly like I would do it to them. Otherwise, I’m totally turned off because I hate roughness. And I’m not at all interested in male-on-male penetration–unless it’s oral.
It seems kind of strange to me, but I feel safe when I’m being dominated like this. I’m in a vulnerable position in which they could easily damage me, but they gladly choose to be gentle because they care and don’t want to hurt me.

Notice that your mind casts you primarily in a receiving role. Sure, you could become the one doing the degrading, but your mind isn’t loving that option because it won’t help with its underlying goal, which is to help you become psychologically okay with being degraded.

Now notice how you get turned off if things start getting too rough. This shutdown of your arousal response is actually due to your fear level increasing beyond what is productive for your mind’s goal. Let’s draw it out:

In this graph, the blue bars show your sexual arousal reaction to different kinds of circumstances. This pattern displays the common reaction pattern for victims of sexual assault, especially those who develop pedophilia, various fetishes, and an addiction to being in the “slave” role of a BDSM torture fest (and, yes, BDSM is a form of torture). In these cases, people often find it difficult or impossible to become aroused by normal, healthy sexual interactions in which both partners are treating each other’s minds and bodies with respect. But the closer they get to being in circumstances which feel like a re-enactment of their original assault experience, the stronger their arousal reaction is. In our graph, we see the arousal response suddenly spike when the circumstances (either in real life or in a mental fantasy) start feeling very close to their original trauma. Yet notice how the arousal plummets again when new threats are introduced which not only cause the circumstances to no longer match the original trauma, but also make the person feel like they are in a new kind of serious crisis.

The key thing to understand here is that we’re talking about fear based arousal, not normal arousal. In cases of sexual trauma, the normal arousal response is often being suppressed by the subconscious–sometimes so severely that we see a totally flat response to appropriate sex. For example, a man who was raped as a child marries a woman he loves only to find he is unable to achieve an erection on their wedding night. But when he lets his mind start fantasizing about his wife molesting and degrading him, suddenly his penis gets more alert. If he can get his wife to abuse him in specific ways in real life–perhaps by insulting him or roughly groping him–he becomes even more aroused. What’s happening is that the man’s subconscious is suppressing his natural arousal response and only allowing a fear based arousal to occur. It is doing this because it feels so threatened by sexual interactions of any kind that it feels an intense need to only engage in re-enactments of the man’s original sexual assault. The hope is that by practicing/rehearsing the original trauma over and over, the man will be able to develop a psychological tolerance or indifference to being abused.

Now let’s look at the red bars our graph. These represent the level of fear that your subconscious is feeling in each of the three circumstances:

First, notice that the level of fear is already very high in normal/positive sex situations. Once any kind of sexual assault occurs, intimate physical interactions become reclassified by your mind as dangerous, and this results in you feeling very stressed on a psychological level whenever you’re trying to engage in normal sexual relations. As we’ve already discussed, in a normal sexual interaction (which means penis to vagina, not anal or oral sex), getting aroused is often difficult to impossible due to your mind feeling so threatened by the idea of anyone interacting with the private zones of your body.

As we move into a trauma re-enactment scenario, notice how your psychological fear level jumps up at the same time that your arousal kicks in. It is the spike in arousal that causes people to misinterpret the way their minds feel about what they’re doing. Instead of recognising the arousal for what it is–a sign of increased psychological stress–people think “If I’m getting aroused, I must want and like what’s happening.” They then try to force a positive interpretation onto their circumstances, which is what you’re doing when you tell yourself that these fantasies in which you’re being grossly degraded are really evidence of positive friendship and affection between you and your partner. In real life, anyone who is rubbing their butt on your face does not respect you. Instead, they would likely be using you as a prop to help them re-enact their own trauma history. When two partners have a fear-based need to rehearse their individual traumas, a very intense dependency can develop which the partners often attach inappropriate labels to like “friends” or “lovers”, when in reality, they’re both grossly mistreating each other.

Let’s be clear on this point: encouraging someone to abuse you is as bad as them abusing you. In both cases, you are dragging each other down and encouraging each other to keep wallowing in harmful psychological defence strategies. You cannot resolve trauma by re-enacting it over and over. Instead, such re-enactments will only cause your symptoms and stress to grow worse over time.

Getting back to our graph, let’s look at what happens when new negative elements are introduced to the situation. In your case, a relevant example would be your abuser going from acting “friendly” to inflicting pain on you. In such a case, your mind’s already high fear level spikes yet again, and it shuts down your fear-driven arousal response so it can focus on dealing with the new crisis. The point I want you to learn here is that your mind is getting exhausted by this whole progression. It starts out already stressed by the concept of sex in general, then it becomes more stressed during its re-enactments, and then it shifts into all-out panic when some new threat is introduced.

Symbolic Interactions

And I’m not at all interested in male-on-male penetration–unless it’s oral.

A non-traumatised male is going to feel instinctively repulsed by any male-to-male sexual interactions. The only way male-to-male interactions become appealing is through trauma. Bisexuality and homosexuality are both trauma coping methods in which the mind intentionally overrides the natural sex drive to push the person towards same sex partners. But again, this is not a positive attraction, it is a fear based attraction. As I explain in other posts, bisexuality and homosexuality can be triggered by a wide variety of traumatic experiences; they do not need to be triggered by forms of sexual assault (although they certainly can be).

In your case, we see your mind retaining its natural repulsion to male-to-male sexual interactions, yet notice how it has formed an apparent “attraction” to oral sex with a male. Once again, realise that what appears to be a positive attraction is actually a fear response. Your mind is creating oral rape fantasies for you because it’s trying to re-enact your original trauma. If you’d been anally raped instead, you’d probably find yourself not being interested in any male-to-male sex except for anal forms. The point is that all of these deviations are very purposeful and part of a specific psychological goal. That goal is to somehow find a way to get you to a point where you can be unaffected by sexual assault. Is this a reachable goal? No, it’s utterly impossible, yet your subconscious is so devoted to protecting you that it would rather pursue the impossible than do nothing at all.

Now in real life, a male only shoved his front privates into your face, yet notice how your mind is currently creating fantasies in which you are also having butts rubbed in your face. What’s going on here? This is an excellent example of how traumatised subconsciouses will always broaden their focus as time goes on and their underlying fears remain unresolved. It’s useful for all sexual assault victims to understand that your mind classifies your butt as a private area. So for men, it’s not just your penis and testicles that your mind considers to be your privates–your butt falls into that same category. This means that if you go through a physically invasive experience involving your butt (typically by an object or body part being shoved into it), your mind will classify that experience as a case of sexual assault even if the circumstances were not sexual. Once your mind decides that you have been sexually assaulted, it will react to the event accordingly, and this will often result in your sex drive being modified in disturbing ways.

Understanding how your subconscious originally interpreted your experience is vital to making sense of your trauma symptoms. A very common source of confusion is when people develop sexual assault trauma symptoms in reaction to medical procedures in which sex was not a focus. There are many real life scenarios in which a well-meaning adult will feel it is necessary to stick something up your butt (such as a medicinal suppository) in order to help you recover from some kind of illness. While the intentions are good and the act is not sexual, your mind is still very likely to interpret the invasive experience as a case of sexual assault, especially if you are very young. Once the interpretation is formed, the psychological fallout begins.

Now in your case, we begin with a situation of a male shoving his front privates in your face. This invasive and repulsive act greatly alarms and confuses your subconscious. Your mind then goes to work trying to resolve its confusion by hyperfocusing on the idea of privates interacting with faces. At first, it will mainly focus on front privates, and the sexual fantasies it creates will reflect this. But as time goes on and your mind becomes increasingly frustrated by not being able to make sense of what happened to you, it will expand its analysis to include back privates. Here is where the fantasies will shift to portray you not only being orally raped, but also having someone rub their butt in your face. The reason they’re rubbing their butts in your face, not on your leg or arms, is because your face was the main focus of your original assault.

All of this imagery your mind is creating will have elements from the original trauma, as well as additional elements added in. As time goes on, more and more new elements will be added to the mix as your mind searches for answers. But even as it expands its analysis to include elements that weren’t directly present in your original trauma (such as butts in your face), it will continue to emphasize the elements that were in your original trauma, which is why you see your mind focusing on oral rape, not anal. Right now, your mind is not interested in studying the concepts of anal rape because that feels too different from what originally happened to you. But if your mind’s frustration about this issue increases even more, it will likely revise its fantasies to include new forms of negative sexual interactions.

All trauma fantasies will evolve over time, and they always become darker as stress increases. This is another reason why its so beneficial to address root causes as soon as possible. The sooner you are able to start reducing your mind’s stress levels, the sooner you put the brakes on its experimentation, and that protects all of your elements from a ton of stress.

Nice Rapists

It seems kind of strange to me, but I feel safe when I’m being dominated like this. I’m in a vulnerable position in which they could easily damage me, but they gladly choose to be gentle because they care and don’t want to hurt me.

What’s happening here is your mind is inventing a completely unrealistic scenario which it wants to believe is possible. Remember the underlying issue: your mind is terrified of you being raped again. It also believes hat you are going to be raped again, it’s just a matter of when. (This belief has no basis in fact, but it’s a very common response to trauma.)

It is impossible for you to function without hope. Hope is a core need for all humans and we need psychological hope as well as spiritual hope. Let’s set the spiritual issue aside as we’re focusing on psychological issues here. How can your mind create hope for itself when it believes you’re doomed to be assaulted over and over in the future? One strategy is to invent lies for itself to try to believe in. The first lie is that you can somehow learn to enjoy being abused. The second lie is that you can locate an abuser who will actually respect and care about you while they simultaneously treat you like refuse. Neither of these goals are attainable. It is psychologically impossible for humans to maintain respect for someone they are actively abusing–especially when that person responds the way you do in your fantasies (liking it, asking for it, and not even attempting to resist).

The important thing for you to understand here is how false your fantasies are to real life. In real life, if you were attempt to get someone to play out these fantasies with you, the results would be disastrous. Instead of developing a happy, safe relationship with that person, you would end up developing a warped, abusive dynamic. Over time, both you and your partners would become increasingly harmed (on both a spiritual and psychological level) by the way you were treating each other.

Now we can’t stop our minds from fantasizing about the impossible, but it is important that we recognise when that is what they are doing. By keeping a grip on the difference between fantasy and reality, we stop ourselves from trying to pursue harmful situations in real life which will only set us up for more trauma.

Symbolic Skin Colour

Firstly, ever since I was little, I’ve been very attracted to the idea of interracial friendships–specifically between whites and blacks. Later, when I was around twelve years old or so, it began to become sexual… In my mental fantasies, I want to be deeply bonded to them and the more the skin colors contrast, the better… I was influenced, mostly by my uncle and somewhat by my father, to view whites as being better off than us because we were supposed to be a “cursed people” because we refused to return to God–so says the Bible. They taught me that blacks are basically the Hebrews of the Scriptures… Now I know God isn’t a racialist because I was lead to read your post exposing Paul’s misapplication of Scripture and the idea of Divine election. I also read your post about “The Great Divorce” and thankfully I know God judges us according to His spiritual principles and our attitudes instead of our ethnicity. So my soul knows better, but my mind seems to still be stuck on the ethnicity issue. 

It’s no fun growing up in a racist environment where your primary guardians are pressuring you to accept their negative views of others. Children are not born racist. Their natural instinct is to get along with everyone, so they will initially find it upsetting when a parent starts inventing reasons why they can’t even attempt to make friends with some of their peers. With you, we see that normal resistance occurring when you are very young. You would instinctively disagree with the theory that skin colour should be treated like a big deal. Your male role models were trying to shove a very distressing theory on you–one that makes the world feel more miserable than it is, so it would be in your own best interest to try to collect evidence that they were wrong by seeking out white friends. But as time goes on and the brainwashing continues, you would have found it more costly to resist the pressure of your family members. When your father and uncles started punishing you by withholding their approval and affection until you did what they wanted, you would end up feeling forced to align with them–or at least put on a convincing act of doing so. Racist attitudes are always developed through a system of rewards and punishments. Typically guardians who control critical resources punish their children until those children start imitating their racist attitudes. It’s a very sad situation which only causes misery for everyone involved.

Now this theory that skin colour is even mentioned in the Christian Bible–let alone identified as a reason to like or hate someone–is utterly ludicrous. There is no mystery surrounding the identity of ethnic Jews (aka Hebrews), so it doesn’t work at all to suggest that they were all a bunch of blacks. Being an ethnic Jew has nothing to do with skin colour and everything to do with being able to trace your genealogy back to a certain individual named Jacob who was the great-grandson of Abraham. You can be white, black, brown, or purple–as long as you are a direct descendent of Jacob, you qualify as being an ethnic Jew. If you can’t, you aren’t.

With ethnic Jews mingling with so many different ethnicities in the biblical records, it’s guaranteed that their skin colours would have become more and more varied over time. Typically the father’s bloodlines were considered most important, so all you had to do to prove your Jewish ethnicity was trace dad’s genealogy back to Jacob. If dad was white but he married a black woman, you would be born with darker skin than your father, yet you would still qualify as an ethnic Jew because you would use his genealogy to define your primary ethnicity. The same is true in reverse: if dad was black but married a white woman, you would probably end up looking lighter than your dad yet you’d still be Jewish. In this way, different families could produce children of lighter and darker shades over time, resulting in ethnic Jews with a wide range of skin colours. Given how much intermarrying and ethnic mingling goes on in the biblical records, it’s ridiculous to suggest that all Jews are either light or dark skinned. This theory could have merit if ethnic Jews have always had a repulsion to marrying outside of their immediate group, thus keeping their gene pool limited. But since we know for a fact that they spent many centuries actively seeking out partners from other ethnic groups, your relatives are entirely wrong to claim that all Jews were black.

Now even if you can prove you’re an ethnic Jew, that really doesn’t have bumpkus to do with how God feels about you. As you’ve learned from material on my other site, God loves variety, He enjoys painting us all different colours, and He judges us solely by our soul’s response to Him, not by any of our physical features. Your family members were wrong to suggest that God doesn’t like blacks, but the fact that they believe this so strongly means they were taught that lie in the past, and probably punished into accepting it. It’s a major spiritual burden to try to go through life thinking God has a beef with you when He really doesn’t. Hopefully your family members will get untangled from these harmful beliefs at some point.

Now if your rapist was white, that would certainly be enough to cause a link between white skin and trauma fears. But even if he was black, he was still a powerful figure, and since you’ve been taught to view whites as powerful figures, your mind can easily decide that portraying your rapist as white in its fantasies is more useful than portraying him the colour that he actually was.

Notice how your mind prefers to set up a major difference between skin colours in these fantasies. Like you said, the more contrast, the better. Yet notice how your mind always casts your character as the dark one, never the light one. What it’s doing here is carrying over its association between dominance and skin colour which it picked up from your family members and inserting that into your sexual fantasies. Because skin colour feels like such an important issue to you in general, your mind feels that skin colour is a useful tool for talking about the difference in power it felt between you and your rapist. The skin colour is symbolic here, not accurate. It’s a metaphor for showing how your rapist dominated you during the original trauma, and how he seemed to hold all of the power, while you were left with none.

Power always becomes a critical issue after any kind of physical assault trauma because such traumas cause us to feel like our power to control what happens to our bodies is suddenly taken away from us. To feel calm, all minds must feel that they have a sufficient degree of power and control. They don’t need ultimate power, but they need enough to feel like they are capable of preventing unwanted physical interactions from occurring. When you are raped, your mind is horrified and confused by how suddenly its power was ripped away by your attacker. After the assault, your mind begins scrambling to figure out exactly what occurred and how it can prevent that kind of thing from happening again in the future.

Your subconscious is a very artistic thing and its preferred method of communication is metaphorical imagery. When your mind reviews what happened to you in the past, and when it tries to anticipate what might happen to you in the future, its musings are loaded with a lot of symbolic elements. Those symbols vary widely from person to person. In your case, skin colour is an important symbol for your mind. By painting you and your rapist in different colours, your mind is emphasizing the power difference that it felt between the two of you. It’s also studying that concept specifically as it runs through its fantasies. The more extreme the difference in colours become in a particular fantasy, the more your mind is focusing on the issue of power in that moment.

Assigning symbolic characteristics to its fantasy characters is something every mind does. Another man with your same trauma background yet without a focus on skin colours might imagine his rapist as having huge biceps or being armed with a massive gun. There are many ways to visually represent the concept of power, and different minds will choose different symbols. The key thing for you to understand is that the white skin in your fantasies is a negative symbol. It represents cruel domination; it’s not a statement on how you’d prefer to be with a white lover. Does this mean you are inwardly afraid of all white people? Not necessarily, but since your mind is linking skin colour to your past trauma, it’s very likely that white skinned people feel more threatening to you than they would if your mind wasn’t making this link. Again, all minds do this: they all borrow symbols from other aspects of your life to talk about specific traumas that you’ve been through. But there is usually a negative effect that occurs from them doing this, because it causes you to start associating your trauma fears with whatever symbols your mind is carrying over.

Let’s forget about skin colour for a moment and imagine that your mind used a fruit symbol instead. For whatever reason, your mind associates bananas with power and domination, so when it creates its trauma fantasies, it always portrays your rapist as eating or holding bananas. There were no fruits involved in your original trauma, but once your mind does this carryover thing and inserts bananas into its analysis process, you will likely develop a negative reaction to bananas in your normal routine. They will likely become a trigger of stress for you, and you’ll probably find yourself either wanting to avoid them or going into a defensive act when you are around them. This is what happens when minds carry over symbols like this, and since there is no limit on what kinds of symbols your mind might borrow from other areas of your life, you can end up linking trauma stress to anything.

I want you to be aware of this issue so you can 1) understand why whites are probably stressful figures to you right now, and 2) separate the concept of trauma-related stress from the racial attitudes your relatives were trying to shove on you. Feeling stressed by whites doesn’t mean you’re racist or that you agree with racist attitudes. In your case, your stress over skin colour is going to be primarily fuelled by your personal trauma history, which means it will fade out as you continue to progress in your recovery. Skin colour is only coming into it for you because of the way your relatives helped you form psychological links between skin shade and power, but again, don’t think you’ve been sucked into their same “let’s all hate the whites” mentality just because your mind keeps casting your rapist as white.

To correctly diagnose psychological stress, it’s vital to treat each mind as the unique individual that it is. Skin colour can be linked to absolutely anything, and until you take the time to understand what specific concepts your own mind is associating with certain shades of skin, you can easily form false assumptions about yourself. In today’s world, anyone who feels distressed by people with certain qualities are instantly accused of being “racist” or “phobic”. Such vague, unhelpful labels only discourage us from taking the time to understand the specific reasons why we personally feel so uncomfortable around certain people. There are always logical reasons for why we react the way that we do, and taking the time to listen to our minds is far more helpful than trying to shut them down.

Respecting Boundaries

I’m trying to work through the steps that you explain in your post about correcting traumatic beliefs as well as some steps from your pedophilia book, but I’m meeting significant resistance. In the book, I’m stuck on the exercise where I have to list the worse moments of my life because I feel like I’m still missing some key events, but can’t recall. In the traumatic beliefs post, I’m having a hard time progressing past “Identifying Implications” to “Identifying Positive Beliefs.” I figure this is because I’m still gullible enough to listen to demons at all, but I do want to be more patient in this process and I’m asking God to help me accept and trust in His timing.

When we feel like our minds are withholding information from us, they usually are. This raises the question of how hard we should push our minds to reveal their secrets. The guiding principle here is that respect is always the best choice.

It is your soul that is doing the pushing here, and it is your soul that’s feeling left in the dark on certain issues. Your mind knows exactly what it’s not sharing and it also knows why it’s being so secretive. When your soul is eager to “fix” its stressing partner, it can become impatient and pushy. It is also prone to viewing your mind as foolish and irrational which is extremely insulting. Your mind is certainly not foolish or irrational. It isn’t keeping secrets because it has nothing better to do. It actually requires a lot of resources to keep your soul entirely locked out of accessing certain memory files, and your mind would much prefer to spend those resources on other things. When you understand how taxing it is for your mind to suppress memories like this, and when you understand that your mind is having to juggle countless tasks every moment just to keep you upright and functional, you can start to see why pressing your mind to reveal its secrets is the wrong approach. If your mind is willing to spend precious resources on suppressing certain memory files, it obviously feels that doing so is critical right now.

The primary reason minds suppress memories is to protect you. They usually feel that releasing those memories will cause your overall stress load to spike to unmanageable levels. When your system is overwhelmed with stress, your body and soul look to your mind to save the day. Why would your mind want to create a crisis that it doesn’t have the resources to deal with right now? As long as it feels that releasing these files is going to cause a big mess, it’s going to try to keep them suppressed.

Now one common reason that your mind could be suppressing these memories is that it is afraid your soul will freak out if it is given access to the suppressed memories. This is often the main concern when your mind knows that the locked memories contain evidence of something happening which your soul would find too horrifying to deal with. Common examples would be either you doing something immoral to someone, or someone doing something immoral to you. In this situation, your mind is trying to protect your entire system from stress overload by not allowing your soul to access information that your mind thinks it can’t handle. The correct way to respond to these situations is to stop pressuring your mind to share, and instead continue to work on earning its trust by emphasizing compassion and respect for its boundaries.

A second common reason that minds suppress is that they personally feel too stressed by the content of the locked memories. In this second scenario, your mind isn’t primarily worried about how your soul will react. Instead, it’s a case of “I’m barely making it as it is, and I don’t have the resources to add one more thing to my load.” In these cases, the locked memories are so distressing to the mind that your mind doesn’t even know how to begin dealing with them. So it doesn’t. It moves the upsetting memory files to a special section of its massive memory archives and tries to avoid reviewing them as much as possible. When your soul keeps nagging to know what it is those secret archives, your mind gets angry and defensive. It typically feels your soul has no appreciation for how hard it’s already working to keep your system functional, so it resents your soul trying to make its workload even harder.

Remember that your mind is acutely aware of the vital role it plays in keeping your system functional. When a crisis arises, your mind is the one that will have to bear the brunt of it while your soul and body sit on the side lines doing bumpkus. Your soul usually does worse than bumpkus–it usually sits there shouting out criticisms and making useless suggestions for how your mind might handle the current crisis. By the time you reach a point of wanting to work on trauma, your soul has usually earned a very bad reputation with your mind by constantly haranguing it. Given the bitter history between these two elements, it’s not reasonable to expect your mind to instantly view your soul as its chum. Instead, your soul needs to earn your mind’s trust by demonstrating that it now views your mind as a highly intelligent and capable entity who is playing an invaluable role in keeping your system in operation. How quickly your mind accepts your soul’s major change in attitude depends on how vicious your soul has been towards your mind in the past.

Whenever your mind throws up blocks like you’re experiencing, it’s time for your soul to stop pushing and instead step up its efforts to prove that it is now an ally, not an enemy. Practically speaking, this means giving the self-analysis exercises a break and instead telling your mind that you appreciate how hard its been working all of this time to protect and help you. In addition to expressing appreciation, start adding a session of psychological recharge to your daily routine. These sessions should last for 2 hours, and should involve you doing any kind of activity that your mind finds destressing. To destress, your mind needs to focus on an activity that is intellectually stimulating while also feeling rewarding. To better understand the importance of recharging activities. and for an example of a daily schedule you could use, see this post.

This post was written in response to \OnVista/.